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Having Problems With Your Pastor?

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , on July 1, 2013| 4 Comments »

Many Christians are having problems with their pastor.

In fact, here are three common phrases people use to find this blog … along with my thoughts on each phrase:

First: “control freak pastors”

For my money, a control freak is someone who tells others what to do and how to do it.

A control freak pastor tells the janitor, “Here’s how to sweep the stairs.”  He tells the women in the kitchen, “Here’s how to organize the refrigerator.”  He tells the music director, “Here’s how I want the band to look on stage.”

Since the CFP (control freak pastor) doesn’t trust those around him to do ministry well, he’s constantly telling people, “No, don’t do it that way … do it this (my) way instead.”

While a pastor should set high standards for ministry – after all, we represent God Himself – he needs to recruit gifted leaders, train them, turn them loose, and then take his hands off their ministries.

When people are looking for help with a CFP, I suspect they’re upset because they believe their pastor is interfering with their ministry.

My guess is that a high percentage of pastors are CFPs.  Here are two ways to deal with them:

First, ask your pastor, “What does success look like in my ministry?”  Ask him to use a single phrase: “There’s no visible dirt on the stairs … you can see and access everything in the refrigerator … band members fill the entire stage.”

Second, ask him, “If I meet your standard of success, will you let me do it my way?”

If the pastor agrees, he only appears to be a CFP.  If he doesn’t agree … or agrees and reneges … he may be a CFP … and only you can decide how much you can endure.

Of course, if you’re a control freak … that could very well be the issue!

Second: “manipulative pastors”

What’s the difference between manipulation and motivation?

When a pastor is using manipulation, he wants you to do something because it benefits him.  When he’s using motivation, it benefits you.

Here’s the difference:

The manipulative pastor says, “I want every family in this church to give $1000 toward retiring our mortgage so I can sleep better at night.”

The motivational pastor says, “I want every family to give as God leads you so we can retire the mortgage and free up funds for ministry to your family and unchurched friends.”

The manipulative pastor will violate you to get what he wants … and you can sense that intuitively.

The motivational pastor will never make you do something you’re uncomfortable doing.

Manipulative pastors are me-centered; motivational pastors are others-centered.

Here’s a simple question to determine whether a pastor is being manipulative or motivational:

“Do you want me to do this for your benefit or for mine?”

A better question might be, “Do you want me to do this for your glory or for God’s?”

My wife and I once attended a church service where a guest speaker was manipulating people to come to the front.  I took her by the hand and said, “We’re out of here.”  We left and never looked back.

If your pastor must use manipulation to get people to attend, give, or serve, call him on it … and if he doesn’t change, leave and never look back.

Third: “pastor severance package”

When a church’s governing leaders are thinking about removing their pastor from office, they usually want to know whether they need to give him a severance package … and if so, how much they should give him.

If the pastor is married and/or has kids, the answer is “Absolutely.”  Since pastors don’t pay into unemployment, they’re not eligible for it … and most pastors live paycheck to paycheck.

It all depends upon the church’s finances and the pastor’s tenure.

Some church boards choose to give their pastor as little severance as possible … maybe a month or two … especially if the church doesn’t have much money in reserve.

But a good rule-of-thumb is that a pastor be given one month’s severance for every year he served in a church.

In our day, nearly half the pastors who are forcibly terminated never return to pastoral ministry.  They need healing … retraining … and assistance … especially if their wives don’t have a full-time career.

Dismiss a pastor without a severance package, and you may destroy his family … and the faith of his wife and kids … or force him to start a church nearby … in which case your church may become his mission field.  Pay him well, and he can afford to move away.

Dismiss a pastor with a token severance package … far less than your church can afford … and you may hurt his family and your own church as well.

Do you want God’s blessing on your church?  Then treat the departing pastor with generosity and dignity.  A friend who served a church as an interim pastor actually went to the church board and got the previous pastor more severance money than he was originally promised.

And if I was a pastoral candidate following a termination, I would want to know what kind of severance the outgoing pastor received because that would speak volumes about how I’d be treated in a similar situation.

I’ll write more about these phrases another time.

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Discerning Your Church’s Spiritual Health

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged , , on June 17, 2013| 1 Comment »

Sometimes when I’m reading, I run across a comment that makes me stop and think long and hard.

That’s how I felt when I ran across this statement from Neil Anderson and Charles Mylander in their book Extreme Church Makeover:

“If I had to determine the spiritual health of a church on only one issue, I would find out if the governing board of the church consisted of people coming together to persuade each other of their own independent will or spiritually mature children of God coming together to collectively discern the will of God.”

In a nutshell, the authors are asking:

Are the members of the governing board first asking God about church direction, or are they first asking each other?

I’ve worked with boards that run the gamut on this question.  Here’s what I’ve noticed:

First, a spiritually mature board takes time to listen to God’s Word.

The church I pastored in the 90s did this at every meeting.  The chairman would choose a passage … some of them a bit on the long side … and he’d read it to us.  We’d discuss it afterward.

This simple act was a way of saying: “This board … and this church … are under the authority of the Word of God.  Before we do anything else … and before we talk among ourselves … we want to hear what God is saying to us.”

But I’ve also sat on boards where the Bible wasn’t read, or if it was, it was done hurriedly.  It’s like saying, “Let’s give God a nod but get right to the good stuff … our ideas.”

It seems to me that if a board is serious about Scripture, it will gravitate in the direction of fulfilling Christ’s Great Commission.

And its members will listen to what the Spirit is saying to their church.

Second, a spiritually mature board takes time to pray unhurriedly.

This may seem like a given, but I’ve sat in board meetings where we barely prayed at all.  I distinctly remember one meeting where neither the chairman nor anybody else prayed to open the meeting.

That meeting didn’t go well … and no wonder.  We didn’t invite God’s presence or direction into our time.

But I’ve been in many meetings where all the board members prayed before starting the meeting … everybody prayed at the conclusion of the meeting … and we’d stop and pray anytime we got stuck on an issue.

I’ve heard excuses for not doing this like “we can pray as individuals at home” or “we have such a packed agenda that we need to start immediately.”

But if the board is truly composed of a church’s most spiritual people, wouldn’t they want to ask God for His intervention in church life?

Didn’t Jesus tell His disciples, “Apart from me, you can do nothing?”

And that’s what happens when a board doesn’t take time to pray: nothing.

Third, a spiritually mature board values transparency concerning each person’s spiritual progress.

This can be done in conjunction with Scripture reading and prayer, but it’s essential … because only a board that’s growing spiritually can lead a church that’s growing spiritually and numerically.

As the Book of Malachi clearly specifies, as the leaders go, so go God’s people.

It seems to me there are three levels of sharing that go on between spiritual leaders:

Level One: how I’m doing at work

Level Two: how I’m doing with my family

Level Three: how I’m doing emotionally, morally, and spiritually

Most boards feel free to discuss Level One, especially if board members attend their meeting right after work.

Some board members will discuss certain family issues … especially the need for healing if a family member is physically ill.

But few if any board members will discuss their spiritual, moral, or emotional lives with each other … and yet Level Three represents the greatest opportunity for spiritual growth.

I once worked with a board where we had monthly meetings to discuss church issues … and weekly meetings to discuss our own spiritual growth.  The longer we met together, the more transparent we became with each other … and the more bonded we ended up becoming.

So when we came to do “board business,” decisions came quickly because we knew each other so well.

Finally, a spiritually mature board sets aside personal agendas and seeks God’s agenda for their church.

I once worked with a board member who had a dream: he wanted to see a worship center on the front lawn of our church’s property.

Our church at the time didn’t have a proper worship center, having met in a fellowship hall and a small gymnasium in the past.

This man was so influential that several of the buildings were named after members of his family!

But as God got ahold of his heart, he gave up his dream and chose to follow the Lord’s dream for that church instead.

And to do that, he pledged to follow the leadership of his pastor.

A prominent pastor once told me that several members of his governing board would meet in a restaurant before the official board meeting … and that was the real meeting.

Then they came to the official meeting and imposed their wills on everybody else.

That’s the exact opposite of what Anderson and Mylander are saying.

They believe that if board members say, “Our will be done,” that church is headed for disaster.

But if board members say, “Your will be done, Lord,” that church has a far greater chance to succeed.

In your church, do you think your board members are saying:

“Our will be done?”

or

“Lord, your will be done?”

Why don’t you take the time to find out?

Because the answer to those questions may well determine your church’s future … as well as your own spiritual growth.

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Blocking the Great Commission

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on June 14, 2013| 3 Comments »

“We’re on a mission from God.”

Those immortal words from the film The Blues Brothers – a movie I’ve only seen in edited form on TV – perfectly describe in succinct form what the church of Jesus Christ is all about.

God has given His people an assignment: to “make disciples of all nations.”

The assignment is not to hold worship services … or to preach sermons … or to construct buildings … or to fashion a church budget … or to create a shelter from the world for our kids … or to have a small group ministry.

Those are all means to one end: to fulfill Christ’s Great Commission.

Jesus’ final words to His disciples are found in various forms in Matthew 28:18-20; Mark 16:15; Luke 24:45-49; John 20:21-23; and Acts 1:8.

We worship God … listen to sermons … construct buildings … have youth groups and small groups and men’s groups and women’s groups … so we can make disciples of all nations.

And we do that by going … baptizing … and teaching (Matthew 28:19-20).

Most pastors know that carrying out the Great Commission is their divine assignment.

But from what I see and hear, most churches have flunked their assignment.  They aren’t making disciples … they aren’t baptizing new converts … and if they are teaching them Jesus’ words, their efforts have little to do with Christ’s divine mission.

In some cases, the pastor is the problem.  During my first few years as a pastor, I focused on helping believers grow spiritually – expecting they would share their faith with their network and eventually bring them to church.

But it never happened.

One year, I baptized one convert.

I asked myself, “What’s wrong with us?”  But in reality, I needed to ask “What’s wrong with me?”

Because in many ways, I was the problem.  I didn’t preach or prioritize the Great Commission at all … and our church was slowly dying.

Like many pastors, I was blocking the Great Commission in our church.

But once I realized my omission on the Commission, I changed my ways.  We built our church around Christ’s assignment and things changed dramatically.

But in talking to many pastors over the years, I realize that most know their God-given assignment, and want their church to go in that direction.

But when they try, they meet resistance.  In fact, this is the point at which many pastors are terminated.

Why?  Because the governing leaders and key opinion makers have another agenda for their church … and it’s not the Great Commission.

They want more and deeper Bible study.

They want to be doctrinally pure.

They want all of their family members … as well as their friends … to be happy.

They want to meet the budget.

They want to have a clean building.

While these are all worthwhile goals, they are not the Commission … they are possible means to the Commission.

But for some reason, most churches are willing to stop far short of actually winning people to Christ.

In fact, far too many of them are willing to make sure that the Commission is never fully implemented in their assembly.

Like one woman told a pastor friend: “I’d rather go to hell than to follow your leadership.”

Let me just say it: there are people in our churches who put their own personal agenda … and often the agenda of their friends … ahead of Christ’s agenda for their church.

When I attended the Catalyst seminar for Christian leaders several years ago, either Andy Stanley or Craig Groschel – I don’t remember which – told pastors:

“You cannot let anybody block the Great Commission in your church.”

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

In fact, they suggested that pastors remove anybody who is blocking the Great Commission in their church.

Recently I spent some time with a group of pastors who shared the same story over and over.  They said:

“We wanted to reach our community for Christ, but one longtime member … one bully … one board member … one faction … stood in our way.  As long as they were successful, the church didn’t go anywhere.

But when we wouldn’t meet their demands … when we confronted their misbehavior … when we removed them from office … when they left the church … that’s when the church took off.”

As I read Paul’s letters, I get the impression there were many professing believers who were blocking the Great Commission in their churches … like Hymenaeus and Alexander (1 Tim. 1:19-2) … and Philetus (2 Tim. 2:17-18) … and Alexander the metalworker (2 Tim. 4:14) … and the feuding women Euodia and Syntyche (Phil. 4:2-3).

When Paul wrote about these Commission blockers, he expressed a sense of urgency, as if he were saying, “Resolve these issues as soon as possible so you can resume your evangelistic efforts.”

I recently met with a longtime pastor friend for a meal.  As we discussed these kinds of people, he said, “Jim, I just don’t put up with it anymore.”

As the late Howard Hendricks used to say, may his tribe increase.

23 years ago, I came to a board meeting at the church I was pastoring with a radical proposal:

I suggested that we sell our church property and start over again in a different location.

As I described what we could become and the people we could reach, the two oldest board members caught the vision … for which I will always be grateful.

They said to me:

“Jim, we failed to reach our generation for Christ … but we want to do everything we can to help you reach your generation for Christ.”

And they did … sacrificing time and energy and money for the Great Commission.

Rather than block my proposal, they embraced it and led interference for me every step of the way.

And I will never, ever forget them for it.

We eventually did sell our property and start a new church, and in five years, we baptized 100 people … a far cry from one per year!

I don’t like saying it this way, but I’m going to say it anyway:

The pastor is the professional.  He’s been called by God … trained and certified and examined in countless ways … and he’s specially gifted to lead a church.

The governing board members are at best amateurs who lack God’s call … who lack special training …who haven’t been certified … and lack their pastor’s giftedness.

The factions inside the church may be vocal … and they may be loud … and they may claim, “The pastor hurt my feelings” … but they have no idea how to lead a church.

So I’m going to follow my pastor’s leadership … not that of the board or any faction – even if they are my friends.

This is the choice we all have.  In football parlance:

Am I going to block the plays my pastor calls, or am I going to block for the plays my pastor calls?

And if I can’t block for him, I’ll find another team where I can block for that pastor.

But one thing’s for sure: I never want to block the Great Commission from happening in my church.

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Tolerating Church Sins

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Fighting Evil, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged , , on June 12, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Several weeks ago, I was invited to attend an all-day Doctor of Ministry class at my seminary.

The first half of the class dealt with turning around a church, while the second half focused on conflict resolution.

As I came to understand, turnarounds often require conflict resolution.

Our instructor – a veteran pastor and conflict resolution practitioner – told us that in one church, 14 leaders were involved in sexual immorality.

You read that right: 14.

If there is a God … and if He is holy as Scripture indicates … and if He longs to bless His people … then how could He bless that church?

He couldn’t … and only a process involving individual and corporate repentance and reconciliation could help that group turn things around.

All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), including pastors, governing leaders, staff members, and average churchgoers.

When we confess our sins to God as individuals, He forgives us every time (1 John 1:9).

But sometimes churches tolerate the sins in their midst, and in those cases, God cannot and will not bless that church until they deal with those sins.

Having been in church ministry for nearly four decades, I’ve seen some sins that churches rarely deal with.  Let me list a few of the ones I’ve witnessed:

First, many churches do not protect their pastor from attacks.

While serving in my third staff position, my pastor was mercilessly assaulted verbally.  The attacks were undeserved, cruel, and personal.

My pastor called to tell me that he was so upset by these attacks that he couldn’t study for his Sunday message.  It was open season on him.

So I asked the deacon chairman if I could attend their next meeting.  I said, “Your pastor is under attack.  If you have a problem with something he’s doing or saying, then tell him yourself.  But if not, you need to protect him from these attacks.”

The deacons voted 5-2 to do something to protect their pastor … and then did nothing.

But the deacons weren’t the only ones responsible.  The malcontents became bold with their complaints and spread them throughout the church.

If just a few of the people who heard the complaints had challenged them … or reported them to the pastor or various board members … or to several of the opinion makers in the church … this whole sorry episode could have been avoided.

My pastor was never the same after he endured the attacks … and the after effects stayed with the church for years.

Just as Israel in the wilderness sinned by complaining against Moses and Aaron, so too thousands of congregations cannot move forward until they admit:

“Lord, forgive us for sinning against our pastor by not protecting him from slander and character assassination.”

Second, many churches tolerate … and even revel … in malicious gossip.

My first pastorate was in a small church in Silicon Valley.  It didn’t take long for me to size up what happened if certain women didn’t like what their pastor did or said.

There were four middle-aged women who had plenty of time on their hands.  The locations of their houses roughly formed an invisible square.

They talked on the phone a lot … and seemed to delight in running down people at every possible opportunity.

For most of my ministry life, I have tried to apply the truths of Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 to gossips:

“Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you – for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.”

In other words, since I’ve said unkind things about others, I need to be gracious when others are unkind toward me.

But one woman in particular could be nasty.  She didn’t just talk about other people – she tried to destroy them with her tongue.

All I had to do was listen to the way she talked about others to know how she talked about me.

Since these women were more than twice my age, my wife and I tried to love on them as much as possible.

But church leaders … most of them males … knew how destructive these women were, yet would not speak to them about this issue.

It’s not necessarily a sin to talk about others … but it is a sin to talk about them maliciously.

For that reason, many churches need to admit:

“Lord, forgive us for tolerating malicious gossip in our midst.”

Third, some churches tolerate sexual immorality.

I was once a staff member in a church where sexual immorality was rampant.

Let’s just say that some of the activities at church parties weren’t condoned by Scripture.

When this behavior finally leaked out, I couldn’t believe it … because many of the participants were leaders and teachers … and even people who had led and taught me.

This misbehavior had to be known by many people … but people maintained silence for a long time.

When somebody finally spoke up and told the pastor, he took immediate action … and the perpetrators all left the church.

But how can God bless a church where key leaders are fooling around with impunity?

Some churches need to confess:

“Lord, forgive us for tolerating sexual immorality in our midst.”

Fourth, most churches don’t take Christ’s Great Commission seriously.

If it’s true that only 15% of all churches are growing – and that 85% of churches are stagnating or declining – it’s easy to see why:

Most churches exist only for themselves.

I recently held some conversations with a church in another state.  They claimed they wanted to reach out to unbelievers in their community but refused to make any changes in their worship service.

But if and when guests do visit, they can immediately sense that the service is designed for those who are already there … and that they are excluded by default.

And if they feel that way, they won’t be back.

I honestly believe that most Christians either think there isn’t a hell or that the unbelievers they know aren’t going there.

And since nobody is spiritually lost, let’s just make church for us!

And that’s how most churches act.  They’re stuck in survival mode because they don’t take Matthew 28:18-20 seriously.

But most churches need to admit:

“Lord, forgive us for being apathetic toward lost people … and empower all of us to bring people to Christ.”

Finally, some churches need to deal with painful memories.

I’m currently reading a book by Neil Anderson and Charles Mylander called Extreme Church Makeover.

The subtitle tells it all: “A biblical plan to help your church achieve unity and freedom in Christ.”

The authors state that most churches try to ignore their past, but “if leaders sweep repeated offenses under the rug, they will soon trip over them.”

They observe: “If the leaders bury the painful past and refuse to discuss it, they cut themselves off from God’s blessings for today and tomorrow.”

They go on: “Some of Satan’s favorite deceptions are that darkness is safer than light, that hidden things are better not discussed, and that pain has no permanent resolution.  Misguided leaders see painful church memories as something embarrassing that should be ignored, thus allowing the sores to fester instead of heal.”

Many families have experienced a traumatic event in their past.  They refuse to discuss it because they don’t want to relive the pain.  But those painful memories linger in the minds of sensitive family members.  The family remains quietly or openly fractured until they finally face their past and seek healing … which usually requires some degree of confession and forgiveness.

Church families often behave the same way.

Anderson and Mylander ask:

“Is it really possible that Satan can take advantage of a church corporately because of painful memories?”

They go on: “We believe he can.  It is not the memory itself that gives the enemy an advantage over us, but rather the lack of forgiveness. . . . because refusing corporate forgiveness allows Satan to have access to the church.”

I have only scratched the surface of sins that churches in our day tolerate.  (Read Jesus’ words to the churches in Revelation 2-3 for some eye-opening divine evaluations.)

What are some church sins that you’ve noticed?

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Why I Don’t Always Sing in Church

Posted in Christian Music, Current Church Issues, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on June 10, 2013| 19 Comments »

I love music.

My mom tells me that when I was two years old, I would sing at the top of my lungs while she pushed me around Safeway in a grocery cart.

I had a little phonograph, and I would listen to my records over and over … like “Romper Room Do Bee” or “Punchy the Clown” or “How Much is That Doggy in the Window?”

Even now … while I’m writing this article … Bach is playing gently in the background.

But when I attend worship services at my church, I don’t always sing … and from looking around, I can tell that many people feel just like me.

Why do so many Christians NOT sing in church?

Should we automatically conclude that they aren’t spiritual?

Let me speak for myself:

First, I don’t always feel like singing.  I’ve always been someone who believes that you don’t wait for positive feelings and then do something … you do the right thing and then positive feelings will follow.

When I was a pastor, I didn’t always feel like singing during worship … but I did.

But now that I’m not a pastor, people aren’t taking their cues from me … and I find that both refreshing and liberating.

After experiencing traumatic events at the hands of professing Christians several years ago, it was a struggle for me just to attend a worship service for months.

When I finally found a seat, I didn’t want to stand up … or clap my hands … or sing loudly.

My heart had been broken.  When I tried to sing, all I could do was utter soft, muffled sounds.

My guess is that scores of people want to sing during worship time, but their hearts have been broken, too … and they just don’t feel like it.

Can we cut them some slack?

I think of the final words to the song “The Sound of Music: “My heart will be blessed with the sound of music, and I’ll sing once more.”

Those whose hearts are broken may very well sing again if we just let God heal their hearts first.

Second, I can’t sing certain phrases or songs.  Some worship songs are written as love songs to the Lord, and I’m uncomfortable with them.

For example, I cringe every time we used to sing “Draw Me Close to You.”  As a guy, I don’t like singing about “the warmth of your embrace” to Jesus … and I am not alone.

I was recently in a service where we were asked to sing a song that, in my view, was poorly written and not conducive to worship.  I would have felt silly singing that song … so I didn’t sing it at all.

Remember the old hymn “And Can It Be That I Should Gain?”  It’s a classic … but the phrase “emptied himself of all but love” (referring to Jesus’ incarnation) is theologically unsound … so I always hummed over those words rather than sing them.

I’m not trying to be critical, but to sing with integrity, and that means there are some phrases … and songs … that I just can’t sing.

Third, singing wears me out.  While I sang in Boy’s Glee Club for a few years in Jr. High, I am not a trained singer.  Even though I’ll listen to hours of music during the week, I rarely sing along … and if I do, it’ll be just a few bars.

For 167 hours every week, I don’t sing … and then I come to church, where the congregation is asked to sing 4 or 5 or 6 songs.

The people on the stage love to sing … that’s why they’re up there.  I admire their ability and enthusiasm.

But I don’t want to sing 6 songs during worship.  3 is optimal … and 4 is stretching it.

So after 3 or 4 songs, I’m done.  My throat is starting to hurt … I don’t feel like clapping anymore … and I’d like to sit down.

I love the Lord, and I love to worship Him, so I don’t think I’m being unspiritual.

But I’m human, and I have limits … and so do others.

So if you see me sitting down or not singing, it’s not a protest … I’m conserving my energy so I can listen to the sermon.

Finally, I’d rather listen to others play and sing than to sing myself.  That’s what happened at our church yesterday.  I chose to be silent and focus on the words rather than sing them myself.

The best church services I’ve ever attended were at Bay Horizons Church in Silicon Valley during the 1990s.  We’d sing two worship songs at the beginning of the service and then have two performance songs later on … usually ending with one more worship song at the end of the service.

For me, that was the optimal use of music during worship.  Because we started with just two worship songs, I could sing with my entire being, knowing that was all that would be asked of me.

And then I could sit back and listen to gifted musicians back a gifted vocalist with a song that would almost always touch my heart.

This approach is certainly biblical.  The Psalms were the hymnbook of ancient Israel, and many of them were written in the first person, while others were meant to be sung by a congregation.

I know the trend today is for the congregation to sing and for gifted vocalists to sing only on the worship team.

But as I’ve written before, I’d remember those performance songs months or years later … and I would always look forward to them.

In their book Setting Your Church Free, Neil Anderson and Charles Mylander write:

“Why do some people never sing in church – not even a joyful noise?  Some, of course, have perfectly normal reasons.  They may not know the words or the tune, or some may be tone deaf or feel socially inhibited.  But others are being spiritually inhibited from singing hymns and choruses of praise to God. . . . The evil one does not like praise music.  David played the harp and the evil spirit departed from Saul.”

I love my Savior Jesus and Christian music, but I don’t always want to sing.  Does that make me less spiritual?

How many times are we told that Jesus sang?  Just once … after the Last Supper (Matthew 26:30).

As a man, a veteran believer, and a former pastor, I don’t pretend to speak for everybody else in the church.

But I’ve tried to lay out four reasons why I don’t always sing in church, and my guess is that many others would resonate with what I’ve written.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Stump the Pastor

Posted in Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on November 15, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I had a totally unique experience yesterday.

About 25 college students – who were taking a world religions class – visited the church I’ve been serving as an interim pastor.

The students drove themselves from the school to the church.  I shook hands with each one and introduced myself to them.

They all came upstairs and entered the worship center and sat down.

Their professor stood up and briefly oriented the class to the worship center, noting that the church:

*didn’t have stained-glass windows.

*didn’t have pews.

*had a pulpit in the middle of the stage.

*had a baptistry.  (Some students quickly walked up to it and looked inside … nothing.)

The professor then turned the class over to me, and for the next hour, I answered as many questions as I could.

What do secular college students want to know about an evangelical Protestant church?

They wanted to know:

*why there are so many different Protestant denominations.

*who is baptized and how a baptism is performed.

*whether Protestant ministers are allowed to marry.

*the role of women in a Protestant church.

*how many sacraments Protestants have.

*what the definition of “Protestant” is.

*what kind of music Protestants have in their services.

*what kind of sermons a pastor gives.

*whether or not we pressed our kids to attend church.

*whether pastors are paid or not.

*who owns the property and how it’s paid for.

*how pastors are hired.  (Are they sent by a denomination or selected by a local church?)

There were no questions about:

*how a person gets saved.

*social issues like abortion or gay marriage.

*theological issues like the deity of Christ or His resurrection or the afterlife.

*the Bible itself.

*the role of Baptists during the Crusades.

The group was well-behaved, attentive, and inquisitive.

Nobody seemed hostile.

One kid on the front row had a Catholic background, and he asked me questions rapid-fire.  I couldn’t tell if he sincerely wanted to hear my answers or if he wanted me to know how much he knew about Catholics.

This was a great experience for me.  It enabled me to hear how college students view Protestant churches.

And it also showed me how little the students really know about what goes on inside the four walls of a Protestant church.

One young woman in the front row referenced a Christian rock group and helped some of the students understand what happens during a typical worship service.  She became a valued ally 2/3 of the way through our time together.

It’s good for a pastor or an evangelist to visit a college class.  It’s far better for the class to visit local houses of worship.  (If a picture is worth a thousand words, just one visit to a house of worship must be the equivalent of reading 100 pages about that same religious group in a book.)

Maybe a local church could identify colleges within driving distance of their campus and invite professors (especially those who teach world religions) to visit the church campus with their students and ask questions of the pastor and staff.

What do you think?

 

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Excuse Me for Getting Angry

Posted in Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , on November 2, 2012| 5 Comments »

Grrrrr.

I am sick of this election season, sick of the political process, and most of all, sick of politicians.

All of them … even the ones I might vote for.

The political season is way too long.  (How about if it starts in June before the November election?)

There’s too much dirty money involved.

And the electoral college is, in my judgment, a joke.  (Reason: the presidential candidates only visit certain select states, never setting foot in North Dakota or Utah or Alaska … while visiting California and Illinois and New York to hold fundraisers so they can spend more cash in a small percentage of battleground states.  Living in California, my vote never counts anymore … but with a national, winner-take-all race, every vote would count … and national candidates would be forced to visit more of this great land than they do now.)

Let me briefly tell you why I’m angrier than ever about politics in 2012:

First, candidates use moral terms like “right” and “wrong” and “good” and “bad” in their speaking and ads.

Of course, they are right and good … and their opponents are wrong and bad.

Give me a break.

If a politician has an economic plan, for example, how do we know it’s right or good?

And how do we know his opponent’s plan is wrong or bad?

Maybe the opposite is actually true.

Can we declare a moratorium on using words describing moral judgments for subjective processes?

It’s like saying, “If the coach goes for a field goal in this situation, it’s wrong.”

No, it’s not … but to state that there is only one position when there are other options is itself wrong.

Second, candidates misrepresent their opponent’s positions.

My wife and I watched all three presidential debates … although the third one was largely preempted in our household by a baseball game.

Every minute or two, I spoke to the TV and said, like a broken record:

“That’s not true … that’s not true … that’s not true.”

It’s one thing to go out on the stump and lie about your opponent’s position … but to do it on national television right in front of him?

What kind of sick, twisted people do we have running for office?

Maybe we should give politicians personality tests and throw out everybody who has narcissistic, anti-social (sociopathy), and paranoid personality disorders.

Of course, that might narrow the field down to … zero.

I agree with the pundit who said that every time a candidate lies, a bell should go off in the background.

Or maybe at the end of a debate, fact checkers could say, “The incumbent misstated facts 37 times, while the challenger misstated facts 24 times … and we’re posting our results on such-and-such a website.”

We have to do something to stop this blatant misrepresentation of another person’s positions.

Third, they claim to speak for us … and for me.

The phrase I detest most starts with a politician claiming to speak for “the American people.”

“The American people don’t want to go down that road.”

But maybe I do.

“The American people know my opponent’s plan won’t work.”

But maybe it’s better than your plan.

Whenever a politician says, “The American people …” the next thing he says will be a lie.

Why?  Because the phrase implies that everybody agrees with the politician … but not all of us do.

It would be more accurate to say, “The majority of the American people want this” … but accuracy and political-speak are oxymorons … with the emphasis on morons.

Please, stop telling me that I am supposed to believe what you want me to believe.  When you do that, you’re manipulating, not motivating.

And I refuse to be manipulated.

Fourth, most politicians treat Americans like children rather than adults.

If a political candidate shot his opponent on national television, the shooter’s spinmeisters would quickly appear to say:

“The gun wasn’t loaded.”

“The bullets from that kind of gun won’t kill a person.”

“He’s just faking … he’s not really dead.”

“71% of the American people agreed with what just happened.”

“This won’t hurt our guy in the polls.”

This is why I like Frank Luntz’ focus groups so much.  Rather than hearing what a politician’s supporters think after a debate, I’d rather they hear what we think instead.

And the commercials … with the spooky voice-overs … the distorted photos of one’s opponent … the implication that the opponent is 100% evil … the leaps in logic … and testimonials from people you don’t know or care to know … insult our intelligence.

How stupid do they think we are?

Finally, crowds applaud nearly everything their candidate says.

If I can, I’d like to attend two political rallies that will take place near my apartment in the next few days before the election.

President Obama will be speaking in Concord, New Hampshire on Sunday … just a 15-minute drive from our place.

Mitt Romney will be holding a rally in downtown Manchester on Monday night … less than 10 minutes from our place.

If I attended one or both rallies, I might hear something like this:

“My plan will produce 234 million new jobs over the next 800 years!”

And people would mindlessly cheer.

“My opponent’s plan will send our country into a massive depression that will result in a hostile takeover of our country by an alliance of Greenland and Iceland.”

And people would still cheer.

Can’t people think?  Do they just feel?

It’s like those teenage girls who hear a song and instantly start dancing to it … even though the lyrics promote all manner of evil.

If only all Americans started listening to the lyrics of their politician’s speeches instead of the tunes …

This is just a sampling of the anger I’ve been feeling since for many months.

Feel free to join in … without naming names.

What has made you angry this political season?

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Book Excerpt: Provocative Quotations About Church Conflict

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged , , on October 29, 2012| Leave a Comment »

With Hurricane Sandy beating upon the Eastern seaboard … and headed north toward my position in New England … let me share with you a few provocative quotations from my soon-to-be-published book on church conflict (called Church Coup) before the power goes out.

While these quotations have been wrested from their context, they are designed to make all of us think.

Here’s the first one from Lloyd Rediger on page 53 of his book Clergy Killers:

“Because the church as a whole has succumbed to the business model of operation . . . the pastor has become an employee, and parishioners the stockholders/customers.  The pastor is hired to manage the small business we used to call a congregation. This means his primary task is to keep the stockholders happy; the secondary task is to produce and market an attractive product. When this mindset infects the church, the church is no longer a mission but has become a business . . . the introduction of a business mindset is producing dissonance in the church continually.  For though businesses advocate mission and discipline, the budget is necessarily the bottom line.  This is the reverse of how a healthy congregation functions.”

Here’s a second quotation from Guy Greenfield on page 56 of his book The Wounded Minister:

“Administration is a necessary part of directing a church’s life, but administration must always be a means and never an end. When deacons and other lay leaders see themselves primarily as administrators, then control is likely to be more important than ministry. When deacons emphasize that they are a ‘board’ (not a biblical concept), or when elders call themselves ‘ruling elders,’ watch out.  Control will become the primary issue.”

Here’s a third quotation from page 53 of Peter Steinke’s book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times:

“When we are flooded with anxiety, we can neither hear what is said without distortion nor respond with clarity. Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist, comments that stress limits our repertoire of responses. Fixated on what is endangering us, we forfeit our imaginative capacities. We act with a small and sometimes unproductive repertoire of behaviors.  With fewer alternatives, we act foolishly . . . . Our mind is set in imaginative gridlock, we obsess about the threat, and our chances of changing our thinking are almost nonexistent.”

Finally, here’s a quote from page 116 of Speed Leas’ book Leadership and Conflict:

“Confidentiality just increases the amount of fear in the system.  If we believe that we cannot share what is going on in a meeting or in a conflict, the secretive aura enhances rather than diminishes assessments of just how dangerous this situation is.  The more that is shared, the more that is talked about, the less threatening the experience . . . . I can’t say enough about the problems of confidentiality in organizational settings. In my experience the norms of confidentiality are serious barriers to managing conflict.  Secrets inhibit rather than open up communication, secrets raise fear, secrets keep out people who might be able to help, secrets presume that truth will enslave rather than set one free, secrets are often lies that keep the accused from confronting them because he or she supposedly doesn’t know the ‘charges.’”

If you’d like to interact with one of the quotations above, feel free to leave a comment.  As for me, I’ve got to batten down the hatches.  Sandy’s coming, and she’s pretty upset.

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Pastors and Their Predecessors

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on October 17, 2012| 4 Comments »

I’ve been reading an 8-year-old book on pastoral transitions called The Elephant in the Boardroom: Speaking the Unspoken About Pastoral Transitions by Carolyn Weese and J. Russell Crabtree.

The book’s first chapter lays out the principles Jesus used in ministry transition.

John the Baptist was Jesus’ predecessor, the apostles His successors.

One passage in this chapter really stood out for me:

“Jesus was not afraid to talk about His predecessor in public.  Yet many church members experience an eerie silence on the part of their new pastor regarding the work of his or her predecessor.  It would be refreshing and liberating for many members to hear their pastor speak, in positive terms, the name of the pastor who went before and was referred to as an instrument in God’s plan for building that church.”

This problem is so pervasive that some pastors won’t even allow churchgoers to talk about a previous pastor in their presence:

“Members need leaders to listen to them talk about their affection for their predecessor.  This enables them to integrate their past and present experiences rather than compartmentalize them.  If the leader is unwilling to do this, it places an emotional burden on the members.  In one church, members made an agreement with one another not to speak the name of a former pastor except in private for nearly twenty years after the pastor left the community and moved to another state!”

However, Jesus spoke about John the Baptizer – who was also His cousin – on many occasions in public (Matt. 11:11; 21:32; Mark 11:30; Luke 7:33).  Jesus provides a healthy example for pastors in that regard.  But not all pastors do this:

“In reality, the opposite is often the case.  A pastor is sometimes so threatened by the esteem paid to a predecessor that he or she gives the signal to members that they are not to speak about the predecessor in the pastor’s presence.”

We might expect this kind of behavior from an ex-wife, or an ego-driven politician, but a pastor?  Out of all professions, wouldn’t you think that a pastor could handle talk about his predecessor with grace and class?

Many years ago, I became a staff member in a church where the previous staffer was practically worshiped.

Not only did I know this man, but he recommended that I succeed him.

He was a dedicated man … a thoughtful man … a gifted man … but he’d be the first one to tell you he wasn’t a god.

But after he left, he assumed godlike status.  (Years later, we both had a good laugh over this.)

For my first six months in that church, I couldn’t do anything right.  I was criticized by some of the students and especially the adult leaders, who missed their friend terribly.

My sin?  I wasn’t him.

I didn’t understand the attachment they had to him, so I didn’t know how to handle matters.

They were grieving the loss of someone who meant a great deal to them.  If I had been more mature, I could have dealt with the issue openly … and mentioned his name out loud.

The problem wasn’t between the two of us … it was between his followers and me.

One day, while reading John 3, I came upon the passage where John the Baptist’s ministry was receding into the shadows while Jesus stepped into the limelight.

John’s disciples were pretty upset about this transition.  But John settled them down, climaxing in his famous statement in John 3:30:

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”

John was secure in his role.  He knew he wasn’t the Messiah … he was the forerunner to the Messiah.

The problem wasn’t between John and Jesus … it was between John’s followers and Jesus … as well as His newly-called disciples.

John defused things nicely and let Jesus take over … and Jesus returned the favor by openly mentioning and complimenting John on many occasions.

Isn’t this a great model for pastors today?

Every pastor will leave a church someday … even a beloved church.

A pastor might die in the pulpit … or suffer disability and quit … or be involuntarily terminated … or take a position in another church … or retire gracefully.

But every pastor will eventually leave a church.

If the next pastor won’t mention the name of his predecessor in public, and retains jealous feelings about his success, and tries to dismantle ministries the previous pastor constructed, then the new pastor’s ego is much too large … and God will have to work on shrinking it … just like He did with me in the story above.

(Just for kicks, mention the names of one or two of your church’s previous pastors to your current pastor, and see how he responds.)

While attending a class in my doctoral program, I jogged one day over to a megachurch in the area.

As I entered the lobby, I noticed a painting of the church’s present pastor, along with his two predecessors.

Predecessor Number One was a great preacher and an author who had written some books I had once read.

Predecessor Number Two was a friend of my father-in-law and an author as well.

The present pastor had taught a class that I took in college and had once led a retreat for 50 kids in my youth group.

The painting seemed to say, “We are all friends and colleagues.  No one of us is better than the other.  You cannot drive a wedge between us, so don’t even try.”

Maybe a church could invite all of its living pastors together sometime … for a church reunion, or a social event, or the installation of a new pastor.

The pastors could catch up … and swap stories with each other … and take a tour of the facility together … and begin to bond as leaders … and friends.

Someone might even commission a photograph or a painting that could be hung in a promiment place in the church as if to say:

“These are the pastors who have made us who we are today.”

Maybe they could even be asked to stand in front of the congregation and say nice things about each other.

What do you think about this issue?  I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Conflict Questions That Interest You

Posted in Current Church Issues, Please Comment! on August 31, 2012| Leave a Comment »

My daughter Sarah recently made a suggestion to me about this blog, so I thought I’d ask you what you think.

She said that I should ask my readers if they would like to submit questions that I can answer in this space.

The questions can be about:

*church conflict

*pastor-church conflict

*conflict at work or in the home

*questions about churches/pastors in general

*questions about Scripture

Just a few weeks ago, a pastoral colleague asked me for some guidelines on selecting church leaders, and I ended up writing three articles on that one topic.

If I receive just one or two questions, I’ll answer with a lengthier response.  If I receive many questions, my responses will be briefer.

If you’d like to submit questions, and you don’t mind if people know who you are, you can submit your questions via the comments section on this blog.

If you’d rather not have people know your identity, then write me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org and I won’t reveal your name.

For personal reasons, I won’t be writing much for the next few days, but I will return very soon!

As always, thanks so much for reading.  Enjoy a fun-filled and memorable Labor Day weekend!

 

 

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