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Introduction to the Book Church Coup

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , , on April 29, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Over the course of many months, I’ve posted a few excerpts on the blog from my new book Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict.

Since the book has now been published, I thought I’d post a few more excerpts.  The following is from the book’s introduction (with the formatting altered).

____________________

Did you know that hundreds of pastors are forced to leave their churches every month?

Christians rightly lament the persecution of believers worldwide, but they are being terrorized by secular authorities or religious extremists.  But in far too many cases, pastors and their families are being mistreated in local assemblies by their spiritual brothers and sisters – and the toll keeps escalating.

If a group in a church attacks their pastor and he is forced to resign, the consequences are tragic for everyone involved. The pastor may leave church ministry for good. That church’s reputation will be sullied.  Some believers will flee their church.  Friendships will end.  Outreach will stop cold.  And the evil one will dance.  I’ve seen it all my life.

When I was a boy, my father felt pressured to resign as pastor from a church he founded, even though he was innocent of any major offense.  He died twenty months later at age thirty-eight, leaving behind a homemaker wife who didn’t drive, two sons (ages thirteen and ten), and a five-year-old daughter who has only vague recollections of the father she lost.

During the ensuing years, the pastors of the churches I attended were subjected to similar pressures.  In my early teens, one pastor abruptly resigned in the middle of a church meeting.  My next pastor was forced to resign after five years of ministry.  In my second staff position, the pastor was voted out of office in another contentious public meeting.  And in my next staff position, the pastor was verbally threatened until he lost the will to serve.

When I became a rookie pastor, I learned that my predecessor had been forced from office after just one year of ministry.  When our church merged with a sister church two years later, the other church’s pastor was forced to leave.  Five years after the merger, a disgruntled churchgoer formed an alliance with a faction inside that church and pressured me to resign – but the board stood by me and that group left to form their own church nearby.

The next decade went so well that I hoped that I’d finally outlasted any ecclesiastical opponents. And after becoming the pastor of an impactful church entering the millennium, I entered the Doctor of Ministry program at Fuller Seminary and wrote my dissertation on dealing with church antagonists using a biblical model informed by family systems theory. After studying how powerbrokers operate in a church, I thought I had finally come to a place where peace and understanding reigned.  But sadly, I was mistaken.

In the autumn of 2009, after my wife and I returned from a mission trip to Eastern Europe, our church’s governing leaders stunned us by making drastic decisions.  Seven weeks later, I resigned as pastor because too many people believed a litany of false allegations.  We were not guilty of heresies, immoralities, illegalities, or any major offenses.  While we both had made minor mistakes in our ministries, we were treated like we had committed ecclesiastical felonies.

As I have related our story to family, friends, and colleagues, I have learned how frequently this kind of situation is replicated in local churches.  While there are unique features to our story, the template for forcing pastors from their positions has remained the same for decades, if not centuries.  Forced exits have become so common in American churches that Rediger writes:

“Abuse of pastors by congregations and the breakdown of pastors due to inadequate support are now tragic realities. This worst-case scenario for the church, one that is increasing in epidemic proportions, is not a misinterpretation by a few discontented clergy.  Rather, it is a phenomenon that is verified by both research and experience.”[i]

Guy Greenfield, who was forced out of his position as pastor in his early sixties, comments:

“This problem is a growing phenomenon. Numerous publications of observations and research indicate that it is in fact a major problem approaching crisis proportions.  Talk to any group of ministers, and you will hear stories of tragedy and heartache. In recent years I have interviewed a considerable number of former ministers, now in secular work, and nearly everyone I talked with told me a similar story that resulted in forced termination. Many of them are now cynical, bitter, angry, and discouraged. Most tell me they will never return to a full-time paid church position.  Their wounds continue to be painful.”[ii]

While pastors have always faced the possibility of forced termination, the problem has been growing steadily worse, which is why wounded pastors are flocking to specialized ministries that offer professional assessments, intensive counseling, and peaceful retreats.

For the past three years, my wife and I have been living hundreds of miles from the church we once joyfully served.  We’ve asked ourselves, “How did we get here?  Why did we lose so many friends so quickly?  What did we do to contribute to our exile?”  What’s ironic is that I possess a good-sized library on managing and resolving church conflict, and I think I understand the field fairly well.  Yet part of me continues to engage in self-reproach because I didn’t see the conflict coming – and neither did our church family.  The whole experience still seems surreal.

___________________

I’ll share the other half of the introduction next time.  If you’d like to purchase the book, you can obtain a signed copy from my website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org or you can spend a little less and secure the paperback or e-book at Amazon’s website at http://www.amazon.com/Church-Coup-Jim-Meyer/dp/1624199321/ref=dp_wl_cart1?ie=UTF8&colid=EWNKS64TGXCT&coliid=IN8XJYN9467QW

Thank you!

[i] G. Lloyd Rediger, Clergy Killers: Guidance for Pastors and Congregations under Attack (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 1997), 1.

[ii] Guy Greenfield, The Wounded Minister: Healing from and Preventing Personal Attacks (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2001), 15.

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Why I Wrote a Book

Posted in About Restoring Kingdom Builders, Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , , , on April 25, 2013| 5 Comments »

Over the past 3 years, I’ve been writing a book on a devastating 50-day conflict that my wife and I experienced in our last church ministry.

The book has now been published by Xulon Press and is titled Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict.

The book is 291 pages long, contains 14 chapters, and has more than 150 endnotes.

Why did it take 3 years?

*Because I wrote 450 pages and had to pare it down.  (You can’t share everything that happened or the book would become unreadable.)

*Because I chose to edit the book myself … and that took twice as long as writing it.

*Because this may be my only shot at writing a book … and I wanted to get it right.

*Because I hoped that the longer I waited, the less painful the recounting of the story would be for everyone involved.

While the first nine chapters are a narrative describing the conflict, the last five chapters analyze what happened and place it in its larger context in the Christian community.

There are models for books like this, such as The Wounded Minister by Guy Greenfield, Too Great a Temptation by Joel Gregory, Why I Stayed by Gayle Haggard, Crying on Sunday by Elaine Onley, as well as the classic Clergy Killers by the late G. Lloyd Rediger.

When I wrote my doctoral dissertation on church antagonism informed by family systems theory, my professional editor could not believe that these kinds of conflicts happen in churches.  Pastors know they occur, as do denominational executives and parachurch leaders, but the average Christian remains unaware of how conflicts begin and are perpetuated.

While pastors and governing boards will profit from the book, I wrote it primarily for lay people, which is why I chose to tell a story.  In fact, I believe that lay people hold the key to preventing and resolving these kinds of conflicts, even when they occur behind closed doors.

Let me make four observations about the book:

It’s personal.  The book is my attempt to share what a pastor goes through when a small minority targets him for removal.  I’m in a unique position to do this because I’ve seen pastors treated this way all my life, starting with my father, who died less than two years after he was forced to resign due to a major conflict in a church he planted.

It’s not possible to lead a large volunteer organization without making occasional missteps, which is why I wrote a chapter called, “Mistakes I Made.”  But I contend that any errors I made were minor and resolvable.  I was not guilty of any major offense and should have been protected against the accusations made against me.

However, some people collected several minor offenses, embellished them, exaggerated their importance, and then accused me of all kinds of wrongdoing.  They chose to elevate their personal agenda over the desires of 95% of the congregation . . . the epitome of selfishness.

While I answer some charges in the book, most could easily have been cleared up if people had simply spoken with me in person.

It’s emotional.  From the beginning, I intended to write a raw book, but after letting some professionals review it, I made modifications.

Because the book rehearses how the conflict affected my wife and me emotionally, there’s a lot of pain involved, which several endorsers noted.  Maybe someday the pain will subside, but from what I understand, it probably never will . . . and not just for us.

That’s why I’ve subtitled the book A Cautionary Tale.  There are lessons we can learn from pain that can’t be learned any other way.

At the eleventh hour, I felt like scrubbing the whole project, but my family cheered me forward.  Why put all that effort into a book and then discard it?  Because I truly don’t wish to hurt anyone or reopen any old wounds.

But if you write about the crucifixion, you have to talk about Pilate, and Caiaphas, and the Sanhedrin, and Peter’s denials, and Judas’ betrayal.  There’s no way around it.

So I tried to put as much distance between me and those who attacked me as possible.  I don’t name the church or its community, and I give aliases to those who were integrally involved in the conflict.  Whenever I could advance the narrative without mentioning people by name, I did, and as often as possible, I attribute actions and decisions to groups rather than individuals.

In addition, I purposely tried not to attack anyone either personally or professionally.  While I vehemently disagreed with many decisions that were made, I try to express myself with grace.

A major conflict surfaces a range of feelings that you can’t conceal.  Before and during Jesus’ crucifixion, He experienced sorrow, depression, agony, abandonment, betrayal, and shock.

In the same way – but to a far lesser degree – there is no way to tell this story without relating strong emotions, especially outrage.  Since I’m a thinker more than a feeler, my account is usually restrained – but not always.

It’s prescriptive.  At the end of each of the first 11 chapters, I offer suggestions as to how to prevent these kinds of conflicts from happening in churches.  I offer counsel to pastors, governing leaders, and lay people alike.  The book is not so much a “look how much I suffered” lament as it is an attempt to point out mistakes that were made to help Christian leaders and churches handle these situations better in the future.

Paul wrote letters to 7 churches and 2 ministry leaders in the New Testament.  His letters to Timothy and Titus were for their eyes only.  But books like Romans and 1 and 2 Corinthians and Ephesians and Colossians were written to congregations and intended to be read aloud to affect the behavior of entire assemblies . . . and Paul often instructs them concerning how to handle the conflicts in their midst.

There’s so little in print on dealing with these challenges.  So the book’s last chapter deals with the problem of pastoral termination.  I offer prescriptions for eradicating this plague that causes at least 1,500 pastors per month to leave church ministry . . . often for good.

It’s redemptive.  While God did not cause this conflict, He did permit it.  After Joseph encountered his brothers in Egypt, he told them, “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.”

Much of my ministry in the days to come will be focused on helping congregations prevent these kinds of conflicts.  They are inherently destructive to churches, pastors, boards, and churchgoers alike.  (In fact, there isn’t one instance in the New Testament where churchgoers try to destroy one of their leaders.)

In my introduction, I quote Rick Warren – who is going through his own period of suffering right now – from his bestseller The Purpose Driven Life:

“God intentionally allows you to go through painful experiences to equip you for ministry to others . . . . The very experiences that you have resented or regretted most in life – the ones you’ve wanted to hide and forget – are the experiences God wants to use to help others. They are your ministry! For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them. You have to stop covering them up, and you must honestly admit your faults, failures, and fears. Doing this will probably be your most effective ministry.”

This book is my attempt to carry out Rick’s words.  In fact, I felt that God was compelling me to write it.

If you’d like to buy Church Coup, you can order it at our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org

And if you find the book helpful, I’d appreciate it if you would tell others about it.

May God richly bless you, and remember the wisdom of Romans 12:18:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

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Viewing Your Family … and Church … as a System

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , , on April 10, 2013| 5 Comments »

When I was ten years old, my friend Steve invited me to spend a Friday night at his house.  It was an experience I’ve never forgotten.

We flipped baseball cards … slept in the living room in separate sleeping bags … and ate toast with an egg in the middle for breakfast.

I had never flipped cards before … slept somewhere in total darkness … or had anything other than pancakes for breakfast on a Saturday.

For the first time I could recall, I realized that the way someone’s family did things was vastly different than mine.

Families not only have systems … families are systems … and family systems theory teaches that every group or organization operates like a family.

Let me make several observations about family systems:

First, the way our family of origin operated seems normal to us.

I grew up without color TV.  To me, watching a black-and-white television was normal.

But when I watched television at someone else’s house, they invariably did have a color set.

In fact, it’s only when we visit the homes of friends that we discover that everyone is not like us … but it’s not easy to shake family culture.

Remember the old TV show The Munsters?  Whenever Marilyn Munster brought home a guy to meet her family, he’d scream and run away.

The Munsters assumed that they were normal and that Marilyn’s boyfriend was the weird one.

And yet to those outside the family … including TV viewers … Marilyn was the only normal member of the family.  It was the rest of the Munsters who were weird.

This same dynamic happens in our churches as well.

After a while, we become so accustomed to the way things are done that we just accept things rather than try and change things.

My wife and I recently visited a church where the music was really bad.  It was obvious to us … but not to church leaders.

They accepted it because it had gone on for so long that it became normal … and yet the music was killing their attendance.

What they needed was for someone from the outside to help them see the problem … if they had the courage to solicit help.  However:

Second, families search for scapegoats when things go wrong.

My wife and I once lived in a place that shared a wall with a family.  We got along fine with them, but on occasion, we could hear blood-curdling screams coming through the wall.

The screams came from a female teenager who had seemed to have some serious life issues that disrupted her family’s tranquility.

Several times, this girl’s parents sent her away for various forms of rehabilitation.  Each time, she thrived in her new surroundings, and was deemed well enough to return home.

But each time she came back, she slipped into her former behavior.

The simplest way to deal with this situation was for the other family members to blame the girl entirely for the way she was disrupting their family.  After all, the screaming stopped when she wasn’t around.

In fact, this is the way that many families handle matters when one family member’s behavior seems intractable: the others blame every family issue on the one who’s acting out.

In our quick-fix culture, organizations … which all operate like families … have a tendency to blame problems on just one person.

*If a sports team isn’t winning, the general manager fires the coach … but some teams fire coach after coach and never improve.

*If a company’s profits are down, the board cans the CEO … but sometimes the entire organization is 20 years behind the curve.

*If donations are down, some churches remove the pastor … only to find giving continuing to slide under the next pastor.

Sometimes in our anxiety, even Christians forget that Jesus was crucified, not because He had done anything wrong … but because the system of His day demanded a scapegoat.  And yet:

Finally, it’s far more productive to treat the whole family system when things get unhealthy.

When the girl in the above story was away from her family, she did well … but when she was with her family, she regressed.

Most likely, the problems in that family weren’t due entirely to her … they were due to her family system.

So instead of sending just her to counseling, the entire family needed to go … but first, they needed to become convinced that they were part of the problem … and pride makes that a tough sell.

In the language of family systems theory, this girl had become the identified patient, or the family scapegoat.

By blaming her for the family’s problems, the others didn’t have to think about making changes in the family system … or in their own lives.

Many churches do the same thing.  They hire a pastor … and then fire him.  They hire another … and soon afterward let him go … time after time.

Most pastors can readily tell that a church suffers from a serious pathology.  But every time he attempts to point out problems and resolve issues, he becomes a threat to the current system … so he has to go.

The church at Corinth was like that … as was the church in Galatia.

So when Paul wrote his letters to those churches, he didn’t address the pastor or lay leaders … he intended that his epistles be read to the entire congregation.

Let me be blunt: there are many churches in this world where the problem isn’t the pastor … it’s several individuals or a group that doesn’t want the church to change.

Because as long as the church maintains the status quo, they maintain their level of power.

But if the church did change, these powerbrokers would be forced to reflect on their own lives, confess their sins, and get right with God … and quit blaming all their church’s problems on their pastor.

When Israel continually rebelled against Moses in the wilderness, the people demanded new leadership on multiple occasions.

But God didn’t immediately fire Moses and replace him with Joshua.

No, God stuck with Moses.  In fact, it wasn’t Moses whose heart needed to change … it was the heart of the people.  God had to kill off an entire generation before he could let Israel into the Promised Land.

Let me summarize this post by posing three sets of questions:

*How healthy is your family of origin?  Your church?

*How often do people at home or at church blame others for problems rather than look at themselves?

*What might be the best way to help your family or your congregation become healthier?

 

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Profile of a Clergy Killer, Finale

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , on February 4, 2013| Leave a Comment »

When pastors get together, what do they talk about?

Their walk with God?

Their family?

Church progress?

Yes, but in my experience, when pastors congregate, they talk about their ecclesiastical adversaries more than any other topic.

Why is this?

Maybe it’s because pastors can’t discuss this issue with anyone in their own congregations … or because their wives don’t want to hear about it anymore … or because they know that other pastors are the only ones who really understand how they feel.

Pastors must endure chronic complainers … and occasional critics … and these individuals can be found in every church, regardless of size.

Most pastors don’t lose too much sleep over these people.

But ministers do lose sleep over a special brand of critic: the Clergy Killer.

I wrote about CKs in my last article, highlighting three traits they all have in common:

*A CK is someone who strongly disagrees with the direction the pastor is taking the church.

*A CK is someone who collects the complaints of others.

*A CK is someone who seeks additional power in the church.

As I mentioned last time, I can only identify 15 CKs that I’ve known over 36 years of church ministry … and 5 of them were people who attacked my pastor when I was a staff member.

That means as a solo or senior pastor, I’ve only been attacked by 10 CKs … but one is far too many.

Let me share two additional traits of a CK:

Fourth, a CK is someone who makes a conscious decision to lead a charge against a pastor.

A CK isn’t just a critic or a complainer.  Those people can stay in a church for years and never become a CK.

A CK wants to destroy his or her pastor.

When is an attack by a CK most likely to occur?

According to research, between years four and five of a pastor’s tenure.

Why then?

Because by then, a pastor has clearly laid out the direction he wants his church to go.

The pastor’s agenda usually prompts two strong responses from parishioners: agreement or resistance.

Those who resist the pastor’s leadership at this point can go in one of two directions: either they choose to leave the church or they choose to stay and push out their pastor instead.

In my second pastorate, I had this happen to me right on schedule … between years four and five.

When CKs make the choice to force out their pastor, they will use any means at their disposal to get rid of him: threats … rumors … exaggeration … and clear cut lies.

In most cases … and this is going to be a strong statement … CKs believe that it’s permissible to commit evil actions as long as they eventually get rid of their minister.

This is why CKs must be identified and stopped … but only by using the twin weapons of truth and love.

As a wise man once said: beware lest in fighting a dragon, you become a dragon.

Finally, a CK is someone who will never admit that what they’re doing is wrong.

CKs are rightists … people who seek to control everyone around them … insisting that people – including their pastor – do church the way they want church done.

I know of a church that seems to be going down the tubes.  They have been looking for a new pastor for more than a year.  One of their conditions for any candidate is that the person agrees not to use contemporary music during worship.

How much do you want to bet that a CK is chairman of the search team?

The CKs I have known exhibit personality traits that tend toward narcissism, sociopathy, and paranoia.

Their narcissism tells them that they are superior to the pastor.  They don’t believe the pastor knows the right direction for the church … they do.

Their sociopathy tells them that they need to defeat the pastor to feel good about themselves.  The pastor can’t be reclaimed or restored … he must be obliterated.

Their paranoia tells them that they better “get” the pastor before the pastor “gets” them.  So the CK overreacts to every possible slight or offense, interpreting things the pastor says or does in the worst possible light.

What happens to a CK after their attack on the pastor?

Some stay in their church … but rarely repent.

Some leave their church … but only if the pastor can amass a supportive coalition that will confront the CK head-on.

Some are disciplined by the Lord … either through tragedy or death.

I take no pleasure in writing about CKs, but there is a place in Christ’s church for prophetic warnings, and I want to sound the alarm.

For you see, when I was a boy, several CKs banded together and pushed out my pastor.

Less than two years later, my pastor died.

That pastor was my father.

And not long afterwards, that church went out of existence.

What most Christians fail to understand is this:

An attack on your pastor is ultimately an attack on your church.

Never, ever join forces with a CK.

Instead, if you suspect someone is demonstrating the traits of a CK, confront them.  Expose them.  And defeat them.

This is the way of apostles like Paul and John and Peter and Jude.

And it needs to become our way in the 21st century as well.

_________________________________________

This is the 250th article that I’ve posted since December 2010.  I used to think it was a good day if I had 25 views in a day.  Now I regularly receive 3 times that number, for which I praise God.

I’m not writing about issues for the general Christian public … I’ll let others address those things.

Instead, I want to write about topics that Christians think about but can’t find much guidance on.  I want to expose the dark side of the church to the light.

I literally have scores of topics I can write about … all I have to do is peruse the terms people type into their search engines to find my blog.

My Top 10 all-time most viewed articles are:

1. If You Must Terminate a Pastor (3 1/2 times more views than the second most-read article)

2. Pastors Who Overfunction

3. Secular Songs You Can Sing in Church, Finale

4. When to Correct a Pastor

5. Secular Songs You Can Sing in Church, Part 1

6. When You’re Upset with Your Pastor

7. Pastors Who Cause Trouble

8. Conflict Lessons from War Horse

9. Facing Your Accusers

10. Why I Love London

Like most writers, sometimes I write for myself, and other times, I write to shed light on a problem area.

I can never predict how many times a particular article will be read … but I’m grateful every time someone reads even one.

And that includes you, my friend.

Thanks for reading!

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Conflict on the Road … and in the Church

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, tagged , on October 15, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Where in life do you experience the most conflict?

On the job with passive-aggressive subordinates or insensitive supervisors?

In the neighborhood with barking dogs and mischievous students?

At your church with loud worship bands and unfriendly ushers?

In your home with lazy kids and an uncooperative spouse?

How about on the road?

My wife and I just returned today from a little trip to the Revolutionary War sites of Concord and Lexington, both in Massachusetts.  We drove about 60 miles each way.  (I’m serving a church in New England for a few months.)

In the short distance we traveled, we met some drivers who caused some conflict.  Let me draw some parallels between these drivers and certain churchgoers.

First, some drivers … like some churchgoers … are always driving in the slow lane.

Six days a week, I drive 21 miles up and down Interstate 93 here in New Hampshire.  The 93 features two wide lanes and excellent road surfaces.

Some drivers stay in the slow lane … not because they’re going the speed limit, but because they’ve chosen a speed that’s comfortable for them.

I hate driving behind those people.

Some churchgoers are like this, too.  They want life at church to go slowly.  They especially resist change.

They prefer to find their place on the road, put their life on cruise control, and force everyone else to pass them.

I don’t blame church attendees for feeling this way.  If they wish to camp in the slow lane, that’s allowed.

However, some slow laners swerve into the fast lane on occasion … not for passing … but to obstruct faster drivers.

I’ve seen staff members try this trick … along with board members … musicians … youth leaders … and seniors.

They want to keep the church from changing too quickly, so they do their best to slow everything down.

Rule-of-thumb: if you want to travel at a leisurely pace, stay in the slow lane … and let others pass you by.

Second, some drivers … like some churchgoers … are always pushing you from behind.

This afternoon, as I drove from New Hampshire into Massachusetts, a woman came racing up behind me in the fast lane and placed her car nearly up against mine.

Such driving is characteristic of people with road rage.

I was already going plenty fast … and we were at a place on the highway where there are several miles of turns without straightaways … and I couldn’t get into the slow lane.

My wife was so bugged at the woman … who was smoking … that my wife turned around and stared at her to get her to back off.

But she didn’t back off.

After I got over, the woman passed me going at least 90 miles an hour.

Some church leaders … especially pastors … have a habit of pushing people from behind as well.

Instead of leading the sheep, they drive the sheep.

“Read your Bible!  Join a group!  Deposit your tithe!  Use your gifts!  Come every Sunday!  Share your faith!  Pray without ceasing!”

All good counsel for believers.  It’s the way the pastor does it that counts.

If he’s doing it for his own purposes, that’s manipulation.

If he’s doing it to help others grow spiritually, that’s motivation.

The driver who kept pushing me didn’t know me and certainly didn’t love me … especially when my car bore a California license plate.

And when a pastor drives his people, one suspects he doesn’t know or love them very well, either.

Rule-of-thumb: follow leaders who know and love you … and get as far away as possible from the others.

Finally, some drivers … like churchgoers … want to occupy the same space at the same time as you do.

We were preparing to merge tonight from Interstate 95 going east onto Interstate 93 going north … and there was a lot of traffic around us.

As I tried to merge into the slow lane about 1/2 mile away, I couldn’t do it because a driver was going very slow.

So I sped up … and just as I planned to get over … an unbroken line of cars merged into our lane from Interstate 93 going north.

It didn’t look like I could get over in time … but I did … barely … after loudly lamenting the fact that some engineer made a mistake by putting a freeway on-ramp about 1/8 mile from a freeway off-ramp.

Conflict occurs in churches when two parties want the same space at the same time.

The children’s director asks for and receives permission three months ahead of time to hold a special event in the youth room on November 20.

The youth director never notices … assuming he’ll always have use of the room.

On the morning of November 20, he walks into the youth room only to find the children’s director decorating the room for her event.

The youth director goes nuts.  That’s his room!

Conflict.

Or here’s another scenario.

The young moms group meets every other Thursday at the church from 10-11:30 am … but this month, they decide to have a potluck lunch after their meeting … without telling anybody.

All the moms bring their favorite dish and place it in the refrigerator before the meeting.

While they’re meeting, the leader of the seniors’ group walks into the kitchen to take out the food for the seniors’ luncheon … and finds piles of unauthorized food blocking her authorized food instead.

Conflict.

Sometimes conflict at church just happens.  It’s nobody’s fault.

But sometimes, it’s the result of poor planning … or faulty communication … or a way too aggressive attitude.

Rule-of-thumb: plan your moves early, signal your intentions clearly, and move into daylight boldly.

Last month, my wife and I drove 3,200 miles across America.

We encountered some terrible roads (especially in Oklahoma), some awful weather (especially in Missouri), some horrendous drivers (especially in Massachusetts), and some costly toll roads (especially in New York.)

But even though I experienced conflicts on the road, I quickly forgot about each one.

Why?

Because driving has been second nature to me for more than four decades.

When we learn to practice what the Bible says about resolving conflicts, they will become second nature for us as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Staying Out of Triangles

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , on September 26, 2012| 2 Comments »

You’re not getting along with a co-worker.

Or a family member.

Or a classmate at school.

Or a neighbor with a barking dog.

At first, you try to smile and be nice and find a pathway to commonality, but your efforts fail … and your problems with the co-worker … family member … classmate … or neighbor just get worse.

What do people do when they try to get along with someone but can’t pull it off?

Too often … they triangle another person into their dispute.

They take their anxiety and look for a third party … and then dump their issues onto that person … hoping the third party will resolve matters for them.

Examples:

*A wife is not getting along with her husband, so she seeks out a third party … her mother, a friend, her pastor, a counselor … whom she hopes will solve the conflict for her.

*A mother is tearing her hair out over the behavior of her teenage daughter … so mom waits her until her husband comes home from work and then hands the problem over to him.

*An employee is going berserk trying to work with his immediate supervisor who is constantly bullying him … so he goes to human resources to learn about his options.

*A small faction in a church is upset with their pastor … so they telephone the district minister to complain about him.

It feels natural to “triangle” a party you’re not getting along with … if you’re three years old and your older brother Johnny is trying to glue your Luke Skywalker action figure to your best outfit.  (“Mom!  Help me!  Johnny’s doing it again!”)

But as you mature, you’re supposed to be able to handle most conflicts with others yourself.

If you consult with someone on how to handle a conflict, that isn’t necessarily triangling … as long as you’re just seeking advice on how to handle a relational problem person.

But it is triangling when you want the other person to take the problem away from you and solve it.

In Luke 12:13, a man came up to Jesus and said, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.”

This man and his brother were not in agreement about their inheritance, so this man asked Jesus to solve the problem for him.

He didn’t ask Jesus for advice or for options … he asked Jesus to tell his brother to split the family money with him.

Jesus refused to take the bait, replying, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?”  While everyone knew that Jesus was a wise man, He did not have jurisdiction in the field of family finance, so he declined the man’s demand.

In other words, Jesus chose not to form a triangle against the second brother by siding with the first.

Churches are breeding grounds for triangles, and the person who gets “triangled” the most is the pastor.

Example:

A woman in the church is upset with her pastor for not asking her to be a deaconess.  She doesn’t want to talk to her pastor directly, so she complains to her friends about him … adding a lot of colorful details about other times that he’s angered her.

There are two basic ways her friends can reply.

First, her friends can tell her, “We’ll pray for you, but we cannot do anything about your problem with the pastor.  You need to set up an appointment and go talk to him yourself.  We’re staying out of it.”

In other words, this woman’s friends refuse to solve the problem for her by forming a triangle against the pastor.  They put the responsibility for reconciliation back onto her shoulders.

Second, her friends can tell her, “You know, we’re upset with the pastor, too.  In fact, do you know what he said to me a few weeks ago?”  And then everyone can pool their gripes against the pastor.

Suddenly, the gripe poolers have formed an alliance … with the pastor as their enemy.

This is how church division starts.  People carry the offenses of others as if those offenses are their own.

It often starts with one person who is upset with the pastor about a personal offense who never tells the pastor how they feel.  Then they attempt to gain allies so that others carry their offenses for them.

Today’s lesson on church conflict is simple: STAY OUT OF TRIANGLES!

If somebody tries to consult with you about a problem they’re having with someone at church, it’s okay to share advice with them but don’t even hint to solve the problem for them.

The monkey needs to stay on their back because it’s their problem.

Don’t say, “I’ll try talking to him for you.”

Don’t say, “I’ll go to the board and get their advice.”

Don’t say, “Tell me more!”

However you say it … whatever you say … communicate loud and clear:

“THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM, AND YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT … NOT ME.”

I’ll write more about triangles next time.

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Is There Only One Way to Do Church?

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, tagged , , on August 13, 2012| 2 Comments »

When do you open your Christmas presents … on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?

I once asked a congregation this question.  The overwhelming response was that people opened their presents on Christmas morning.

My wife and kids opened our presents on Christmas Eve.

I don’t know why we did it that way.  Maybe it was our reward for attending two services on Christmas Eve … or our kids clamored for opening “just one more present” and we parents gave in … or we just felt like breaking tradition.

Most likely, the truth is that my wife likes to stay up late and sleep in the following morning … and how many kids are able to wait until past noon on Christmas to open their gifts?

You may think my family is weird, or unconventional, or even a wee bit impatient … but is it wrong for a family to open its gifts on Christmas Eve?

It’s not wrong … it’s just our preference.

The reason I bring this up is because way too many Christians still believe there is only one way to do church, and if church isn’t done their way, they complain and protest and scream … and eventually launch major conflict.

For them, everything is either black or white … or right or wrong.

Let me share an example.

When I was a kid, most worship services on Sundays started at 11 am … and many people expected that the pastor would quit preaching by noon.  If the pastor was still preaching at 12:01, some people became angry … and if he went until 12:10, they hit the roof.

We only become angry when we feel we’ve been violated.  In other words, every person who became angry when the pastor preached past noon believed he was wrong for doing so.

But where did that idea come from?  The Bible is silent on the beginning and ending times for worship.  (In fact, you can’t find even one instance in the New Testament of a Sunday morning worship service.)  Unless a church’s governing documents specify that services will dismiss by noon … and I’ve never heard of such a thing … it’s not wrong for a pastor to preach past noon.

It may go against local culture, or that gnawing feeling in one’s belly, but it’s not wrong.

(Some pastors solved this problem by moving their service time to 10:30 or 10:45 so they always got out by noon.)

Here’s another example:

Many of us grew up in churches that used only two instruments: a piano and an organ.

From infancy through my late twenties, every church I attended had those two instruments.

Modern rock instruments like guitars, bass, and drums were not permitted … only a piano and an organ.

The worship wars that were fought in churches in the seventies and eighties revolved around not only music style (hymns vs. praise music), but also musical instruments (piano/organ vs. guitars/drums).

Is it wrong for a church to have a piano and organ?  Of course not.

Is it wrong for a church to have guitars and drums?  Of course not.  (Did you know that the very first and very last musical instruments mentioned in the Bible – in Genesis 4 and Revelation 15 – can both be translated “guitar?”)

Then why did so many people act like the presence of those instruments in church was wrong?

It simply wasn’t their preference.

Here’s my point: many … if not most … church conflicts are really about preferences rather than absolutes.

The conflicts are about “what I like and don’t like” rather than “what God commands or doesn’t command.”

Here are some more examples:

*Should a church list its order of service in the bulletin/program or not?

*How many praise and worship songs should a church do in a service?  2?  4?  7?

*How long should a pastor preach?  20 minutes?  30?  45?

*How loud should the drums be?

*Should the worship center temperature be on the cold side or the warm side?

*How involved should women be in a worship service?

*How should a pastor dress when he preaches?  In a suit and tie?  In a coat without a tie?  In dress pants or jeans?

*How many times should a public prayer be offered in a Sunday service?  2 times?  3?  5?  10?

*During communion, must the congregation be silent?  Can music play in the background?  Can people sing?

*Should a pastor greet people at the door after a service, or stay up front to pray with people?

*Should a church use name tags … and if so, should everyone be asked to wear one?

*Should the pastor project Scripture references onto a screen or expect that people will bring their Bibles?

*Should adults have Sunday School as opposed to small groups?

*Should adults have Sunday School in addition to small groups?

*When the youth go to camp, should they go on a bus or in cars?

*Should church leaders promote and attend every meeting/event in their district and denomination?

Believe it or not, I have experienced minor or major conflict concerning every issue I’ve listed above.

I have been criticized, condemned, and vilified because my preference in one of these areas clashed with the preference of someone else.

People became angry with me … and complained to their friends … and wrote me critical notes … and threatened to leave the church … not because I had violated Scripture, but because they didn’t like what I was doing.

I visited a church a while back where a musician on stage wore a nose ring and was covered with tattoos.

It was hard for me to look at him.  I can take an earring … and long hair … and even bare feet … but a nose ring makes me feel ill.  I can’t help it … I have a visceral reaction to it.

Was it wrong for the pastor to allow that musician on the stage?

Not at all.  And if I chose to attend that church, I would never tell the pastor, “Get rid of the guy with the nose ring or I’ll leave.”  For all I know, it’s a new convert … or the pastor’s son … or the boyfriend of the pastor’s daughter!

There is only one way to God, and that’s through Jesus Christ … but there are many ways to bring people to Jesus.

So the next time you’re upset about something at your church, ask yourself:

Is this a violation of Scripture?  (In which case it’s an absolute.)

Or … is this just something I don’t like?  (In which case it’s a preference.)

I’ll write more on this topic next time.

Your thoughts?

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Book Excerpt: What Happens to Clergy Killers? Part 1

Posted in Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , on July 30, 2012| 9 Comments »

It’s been a while since I’ve presented an excerpt to my upcoming book, which should be published in September or October.  The book is a real-life story about a group of people who joined forces to force a pastor to resign … using any and all means at their disposal.

The last chapter of the book presents FAQs on this kind of conflict.  In most churches, there are churchgoers who know which perpetrators have launched an attack on their pastor … but to keep their friendship, they usually remain silent.

I’ll divide this question into two parts.  Here’s the first part:

What usually happens to the perpetrators?

Realistically?  Nothing.  Biblically, however, perpetrators must be corrected before they strike again. This can be done by staff members, the governing board, or deputized members.  However, if a transitional/interim pastor is hired after the pastor’s departure, he may have to oversee this thankless task.  (Some transitional pastors are trained to deal with powerbrokers and request absolute authority before being hired.)  Unrepentant individuals who target their pastor sense they are immune from correction and feel free to use the same template with the next pastor.  However, in such situations:

Peace mongering is common. With tranquility and stability reigning as premium values, congregational leaders adapt to their most recalcitrant and immature people, allowing them to use threats and tantrums as levers of influence. Malcontents’ complaints never seem to cease. Unwilling to confront the constant critic, leaders set the table for the unhappy souls to have a movable feast of anxiety.  By appeasing rather than opposing, leaders give control to reactive forces.  Feed them once and leaders can be sure they will be back for more.[i]

As far as I know, no one took action against any non-board perpetrators in our situation.  My counsel to any successor is, “Watch your back.  They know the template.”  Trull and Carter note:

Generally speaking, an incoming minister does not need to fear those who speak well of the predecessor. Those who loved, appreciated, respected, and supported the former minister will likely do the same with the new minister.  The church member of whom the minister should be wary is the one who speaks ill of the previous minister. Those who criticize, find fault with, and express disappointment in the former minister will probably react to the new minister in the same way over time.[ii]

I have to confess, this really bothers me.  For decades, pastors have been told that whenever there’s a major conflict in a church they’re leading, they need to resign to keep the church intact. But why should the pastor leave while those who initiated the conflict are permitted to stay?  I suppose it’s easier to remove one person than many.  And spiritually-speaking, the shepherd lays down his life for the sheep, just as Jesus did (John 10:14-15).  But why don’t God’s people band together and ask the perpetrators to leave as well?  If the pastor can find another church, they can find another church – and it’s much easier for them than for him. I saw the highlights of a basketball game in which both players involved in a fight were instantly removed from the game.  Why doesn’t this happen in churches?  Aren’t we rewarding people for their divisiveness without expecting them to change?

If I was a layman and my pastor was pushed out by non-board antagonists, I’d approach a board member and say, “If you confront those who perpetrated this conflict, I will stay in this church.  But if you don’t deal with them, I will leave and find a church where they take Scripture seriously. And if anybody asks why I left, I will feel obligated to tell them.” While this may sound harsh, how can church leaders take no action against those who have driven out their minister?  Steinke writes:

In congregations, boundary violators too often are given a long rope because others refuse to confront the trespassers. When boundaries are inappropriately crossed and people are harmed, no one wants to name the violation.  It’s as if the disturbance of the group’s serenity is a greater offense than the viral-like behavior.  Boundary violators go unattended and suffer no consequences . . . . The lack of attention only enables the repetition of the invasive behavior.[iii]

Your thoughts?

        [i] Steinke, Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, 102.

        [ii] Trull and Carter, Ministerial Ethics, 129.

        [iii] Steinke, Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, 85.

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