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Five Tough Questions About Pastoral Termination

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged forced resignation of pastors, legal remedies for pastoral termination, pastoral termination, severance package for pastors, slander in the church on May 21, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Several weeks ago, I wrote an article called “Ten Suggestions For Pastors Under Attack.” You can read that article here: https://blog.restoringkingdombuilders.org/2015/05/12/ten-suggestions-for-pastors-under-attack-part-1/

I received an extended comment from a former pastor afterwards. (I’ll call him Rich.) Rich went through a terrible forced termination at a rural church less than two years ago. He was there only three years, yet the church tripled in attendance with many people coming to faith in Christ. By anyone’s measure, his ministry was a huge success.

But some church leaders chose to force Rich to resign. With Rich’s permission, let me reprint his comment … and then I will endeavor to answer his five questions at the end.

_______________

Hello Jim, I enjoyed your article, and have a few comments on the subject matter at hand. You have known me over the course of the last year and a half, and have been a tremendous help to me in recovering from my ministry loss. What is amazing, and quite eye opening to me is that there are people who sit in the pews, make claims about Christianity, and possess little semblance to Christ other than their empty, and shallow professions. Their sole investment is towards themselves, and how they think church should be done; and they will stifle or eliminate anyone who gets in their way. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN THE BODY??! I apologize for the capital letters but I use them to express my emotion and frustration.

You had mentioned that there was a faction that threatened to leave the church if the pastor didn’t leave…my suggestion would be…THEN LEAVE!! The church will continue, and most likely in a much more healthy condition than if they stayed. These people are a cancer, eating away at the foundation of unity of the church body. They are an anchor weighing down the church, as they hold onto graven images that they deem valuable.

You had also mentioned that there was a group of people that brought up a bunch of your “faults” including those of your children. As a minister who has been pushed out of his vocation and is now working in a secular job, I have never heard of anyone in the corporate world making charges or accusations against someone’s children. Quite honestly (and I know this sounds bad for a minister to say) if anyone in the corporate world said anything negative about my children I would punch them in the mouth with no regret.

What is amazing to me is that we allow this subversive behavior to be exorcised within the church body! If anyone went through what I went through with my malicious antagonists there would be lawsuits in the corporate world. The way they tried to fire me after I gave my notice, the way they slandered my name, the way they cut my pay, and took away my medical benefits even knowing that my daughter was suffering from neurological issues and we had a MRI pre-scheduled…it was horrendous!

What I have realized that for many…church is something that many people do to feel good about themselves. They have made a religion of attendance, and are so consumed with being in the “church” they have forgotten or discarded Jesus. The only relevance in the lives of these people is that they are in the building, and having been in the building, therefore they must be sanctimonious. I am very weary of these polyester wearing, artificially flavored, self-centered, pre-packed, power hungry, low self-esteemed, and self serving leaches that suck the life out of the church. They have made a covenant with themselves, and their commitment is only to themselves. I realize that this post is filled with emotion but having been forced from my position because of some power brokers., I am still trying to get back to my calling, and get my life back. There has been a deep injustice, and things for me and my family have been difficult to say the least.

My questions to you are:

Can legal action be taken against such atrocious actions?
Should these people be held liable for their actions?
What can the church body do to prevent these people from their power?
How can the pastor who has been forced out find help getting back on his feet financially, and help into a ministry position?
What steps can the family take who has been affected by the trauma? (My wife is having a hard time considering being back into a ministry position…she does not want to allow herself to be vulnerable again).

_______________

Before answering Rich’s questions, I think his sense of outrage is healthy. His feelings might make some people feel uncomfortable, but sometimes Christians need to express themselves in strong terms before the wider body of Christ is willing to consider making significant changes in local church ministry.

Let me try and answer Rich’s questions:

First, can legal action be taken against such atrocious actions?

In most cases, probably not. A labor attorney told me that if a judge saw a church personnel issue on his docket, he would refuse to hear the case based on “the separation of church and state.” This constitutional provision prevents churches from being taxed but also prevents churches from being accountable to anyone outside of their congregation for internal decisions.

It seems to me that pastors have the following options if they believe they’ve been wronged by a church:

*Tell their supporters inside the church how they’ve been treated and let the supporters handle matters.

*Tell the local denominational leadership what’s happened and ask if they will intervene.

*Tell a church conflict interventionist … a church consultant … or a church mediator if they can step in and help … but this must be done before the pastor resigns … and the church board/faction must agree to it.

*Forgive everyone who wronged you quickly and move on … but it’s nearly impossible to do.

Pastors tell me all the time that they were slandered right out of their church. It’s true that if you’re employed in a company, you’re much better protected from slander than if you’re a local church pastor.

For this reason, I believe that when pastors negotiate the terms of their call, they need to insist that a clause be written into their contract that after they leave the church … regardless of why they leave … the official leaders must insure they will not be openly slandered. This implies that if the pastor discovers he is being slandered … and especially if it negatively impacts his ability to make a living … then he’d be justified in taking some kind of action against the church.

Of course, if the pastor slandered the church, don’t you think that he would be threatened with a lawsuit?

Second, should these people be held liable for their actions?

The term “liable” sounds like a legal term and implies that destructive churchgoers can be controlled by secular law. A better term might be “held accountable” … and the answer is “Yes,” they should be held accountable for their actions.

But this hardly ever happens in churches … and for the life of me, I don’t know why.

The New Testament is very clear that churchgoers guilty of heresy, division, slander, and rebellion must be confronted and asked to repent of their sin. Paul’s instructions in passages like Romans 16:17 and Titus 3:10-11 are clear that believers must be disciplined for corporate sin.

But when a group forces out their pastor … and that group happens to be the church board … who is going to hold them accountable? They hold the reins of power … and they know it.

In their minds, they won … the pastor lost … and to the winners go the spoils.

If a faction pushes out the pastor against the will of the church board, then the board can and should take action against the members of the faction … not as retribution, but to cleanse the congregation from sin. But this is done all too rarely, usually because some people on the board are friends with the rebels.

It’s ironic that some board members have no problem confronting their pastor about an issue but can’t bring themselves to confront their friends about anything.

In the end, God’s people have to believe that God will right all wrongs … either in this life, or in the next life. As Hebrews 10:30-31 says:

“For we know him who said, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ and again, ‘The Lord will judge his people. It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.'”

Third, what can the church body do to prevent these people from their power?

If “these people” refers to the official church board, there are several things the members of a congregation can do to limit the power of those who abuse their pastor.

*Churchgoers need to hear both sides of the story as to why the pastor resigned and left. If they only hear one side … the board’s side … they can’t make any kind of objective judgment. For that reason, if I was attending a church where the pastor suddenly resigned, I would not believe the first thing I heard. (But sadly, brain-dead Christians often do.) Instead, I would sit down with a board member and hear his side, and then I’d contact the pastor and hear his side.

If one party wants to talk, and the other doesn’t, that makes it difficult. If neither party will talk (possibly due to a “gag order” in the pastor’s severance agreement), then finding out what happened is going to be hard … so I’d widen the circle of my knowledge.

The truth will eventually come out … it always does … but by then, most people won’t care anymore.

*Churchgoers who feel that the pastor was mistreated can insist that members of the church board tell them the process that the board used to deal with the pastor. In fact, I’d ask for a copy of the process in writing. And if I didn’t get it, I’d assume that the board either didn’t use any process, or that they used the law of the jungle.

Then I’d take that written process to the pastor and ask if the board followed the steps they’ve outlined.

*Churchgoers can attempt to remove board members through a process outlined in the church’s governing documents. If only the board stood against the pastor, and everyone else in the church supported the pastor, this might be a real option.

I was once in a homeowner’s association where the five-member board voted to make every homeowner re-shingle their houses at a cost of up to $70,000 per home. The homeowners rebelled and voted the board out of office … and discovered in the process that three of the five board members had homes with more than $100,000 in damages … and that they wanted everybody else to subsidize those improvements.

Throwing out that board was the right thing to do. I suppose in some instances, some church boards need to be removed as well. It just needs to be done very, very carefully.

*Churchgoers can hear both sides, protest the way the church board handled matters, and then leave the church for good. This is the way most churchgoers register their disapproval when a pastor has been forced to resign.

Fourth, how can the pastor who has been forced out find help getting back on his feet financially, and help into a ministry position?

If a church board forces out their pastor and does not give him a generous severance package … especially if the pastor has a family … to me, that’s a serious offense against God … and should be viewed as a form of retribution against the pastor.

A church board member wrote me recently and said that their new pastor … who had been at the church for less than a year … was not working out. The board gave him a six-month severance package even though it nearly emptied out the church’s savings.

But that’s the right thing to do, especially since most pastors are only qualified for one thing: being a pastor … and because it takes at least a year for a pastor to find a new position.

If a board doesn’t want to give the pastor a generous severance package, then they need to bring in someone from the outside who will help them negotiate their differences with the pastor.

If the pastor resigns abruptly because he’s being pressured to resign, the board should still offer him something to help him and his family.

But the best thing for the pastor to do is to trade a resignation letter for a severance agreement … and if the board won’t give him a severance, then the pastor should continue as pastor … which may lead to the resignation of the entire board.

If the pastor doesn’t receive any kind of severance agreement, then he has several options for money:

*Find an entry-level secular job … and quick.

*Try and live off the income of the pastor’s wife … if she has any.

*Take early withdrawals from the pastor’s retirement account … provided he has an account.

*Move in with family … if they’re willing … even if they live cross-country.

*Solicit gifts from friends and family on a temporary basis.

But here’s the problem: if the pastor has been forced to resign … and believes it was done unfairly … then he will carry that hurt and pain with him to the next job.

It takes a long time for a pastor to heal emotionally after going through a forced termination.

As far as how to find a new ministry … check out this article:

Seven Ideas for Pastors Seeking a Ministry

Finally, what steps can the family take who has been affected by the trauma?

This is such a great question that I’m going to write a separate blog article on this within a few weeks.

I’ll just make one comment: everybody in the family needs someone from outside the family who will listen to their thoughts and feelings without judging them.

It’s all right for family members to discuss the situation with each other … but a family can implode if they’re only talking with each other.

I realize this article is quite long, but I felt it was important for you to read the words of a pastor who has gone through a forced termination … and still struggles with its aftermath many months later.

May God help His people to act with kindness, grace, and truth whenever there’s an impasse between a pastor and a group in their church.

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Ten Suggestions for Pastors Under Attack, Part 2

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged attacking a pastor, challenging a pastor's leadership, church antagonism, pastor-church conflict, pastoral termination on May 18, 2015| Leave a Comment »

What does it mean when a pastor is “under attack?”

It means that people from inside your church are openly challenging your right to lead the congregation anymore.

These people (often including official leaders) believe that your ministry is finished, not because God says you’re through, or because the official leaders say you’re through, but because these self-appointed vigilantes say you’re through.

Their goal? To destroy your reputation … remove you from your position as pastor … and, in some cases, end your career in ministry altogether.

How should a pastor respond when under attack?

Last time, I offered the following five suggestions:

First, trust your pastoral instincts.

Second, locate several comforting passages of Scripture and read them daily.

Third, confide in believers from outside the church.

Fourth, identify and meet with your supporters from inside your church … cautiously.

Fifth, gauge the opposition against you: both who and how many.

Let me add five more suggestions:

Sixth, try and determine the charges against you, but realize they’re probably irrelevant.

Why do I say this?

Because once there is a movement inside the church to force you out, the charges really don’t matter to your accusers.

Those who insist that you leave aren’t interested in a biblical process, or your own repentance and redemption, or the health of your congregation, or your church’s testimony in the community.

Once they have launched an attack, they are only interested in one thing: your departure.

I wish I didn’t have to say this, but I need to: you can’t reason with your attackers. And if you try and set up a meeting with several of them, it will not go well. It’s a waste of time.

Once they’ve decided that you need to go, they will stop at nothing until you clean out your office and turn in your keys.

Based on my experience:

*There won’t be any single impeachable accusation against you. If you were guilty of heresy, sexual immorality, or criminal behavior, your opponents would have presented their evidence to the church board and let them dismiss you.

*There will be a laundry list of charges against you. If your opponents had just one or two charges, you might be able to answer them favorably, so to make sure that doesn’t happen, they’ll hit you with multiple charges.

*There will be charges you know nothing about. You offended a board member’s wife two years ago … you failed to greet someone in the church lobby one Sunday … you speak too much about cultural issues … and so on. In most cases, you will hear about these “charges” for the first time … but nobody has ever had the courage to share any concerns with you until your opponents decided to pool their complaints together.

*There will be new charges created until you resign. If you answer one charge, another one will be created. The charges aren’t grounded in reality, but in the hardness of some people’s hearts.

*There will be different charges from different people. One person doesn’t like the way you dress … another doesn’t like the seminary you graduated from … another doesn’t like your lack of denominational involvement. There won’t be a consensus on why you need to leave, but only that you need to leave.

Seventh, try and discern if your church has already created a process for terminating a pastor through its governing documents or board policies.

When your church began, it probably adopted a constitution and set of bylaws. These are your governing documents.

They were created when people were thinking clearly … and biblically. Those documents are intended to govern your church … especially when people overreact and become irrational.

So locate the latest version of your governing documents. Look carefully at what they say about removing a pastor from office.

And realize that your opponents may not know what the documents say about a pastor’s removal … or care.

If you plan to stay and fight, then point out how your detractors are ignoring the governing documents, and insist they comply with them. They’ll probably pull back, regroup, and reload, but it will buy you some time.

If you plan to leave, then keep those violations to yourself … and only bring them up in any negotiations for a severance package.

Eighth, do everything in your power to avoid a public congregational meeting.

Sadly, I’ve been through two of these meetings in my 36-year ministry career.

The first meeting was called to vote out our church’s pastor … and that’s exactly what the congregation did.

The second meeting ended up focusing on me and is described in my book Church Coup in a chapter entitled, “Hell Invades the Church.” While no formal vote was taken at that meeting (there were actually two meetings on the same day), I knew I had to leave when those meetings ended.

Most church governing documents require that any upcoming meeting of the congregation be announced ahead of time … let’s say seven days in advance.

And the governing documents may require that the purpose of any special meeting be shared with the congregation as well.

But once your adversaries discover why you’ve called the meeting, they will accelerate their campaign to force your resignation.

They will contact people who have left the church, hoping that a few of them will feed them some dirt … and they will be invited to the meeting … even if they can’t vote.

Your detractors will be highly motivated to fill the auditorium with their friends … to announce the charges against you … and to trash your reputation in front of the congregation.

I heard about a pastor who was accused … along with his wife … of smoking pot. When the pastor tried to defend himself in a public meeting, he was shouted down … and left the meeting in shock.

The only way I would engage in a public meeting is if:

*I knew I could control the microphone.

*I knew I could control the process … and that might be difficult if a moderator or board chairman runs the meeting.

*I knew ahead of time that I would be given the opportunity to present my case to the congregation.

*I knew ahead of time that any vote on my position would not be held on the same day as the meeting.

*I knew that most of the congregation was behind me … and would be willing to stand up to my opponents.

Other than meetings of the official church board, more damage occurs in public congregational meetings than anywhere else in a church’s life.

Do your best not to call one. They can harm people for years.

I know … firsthand.

Ninth, realize that Satan is behind all the chaos … and that his ultimate aim is to destroy your church.

You are NOT the enemy’s target. It may feel like you are, but you aren’t.

The proof? Whenever you leave the church, the enemy will most likely leave you alone. He doesn’t hate you as a person … at least no more than he hates the average Christian.

No, he hates you as a pastor. If he can drive out the shepherd, he can scatter the sheep … and assume control of the entire pasture.

You are simply the means to an end. The devil knows that the quickest way to take out a church is to take out its pastor.

To do that, he will use two primary tactics: deception and destruction … or deception leading to destruction.

In other words, Satan will lie about you … throw all kinds of false accusations at you … in order to smear you and force you to leave your position.

And tragically, all too many churchgoers will believe the first negative thing they hear about you without ever checking with you to see if it’s true.

When they’re attacked, many pastors go into hiding and curl into the fetal position. They blame themselves for the entire mess, castigating themselves for (a) not being perfect, (b) not knowing the attacks were coming, (c) choosing disloyal church leaders, or (d) not creating a forum in which to answer the charges against them.

But this all plays into Satan’s hands.

If your detractors were truly spiritual, Bible-believing Christians, they would never hold secret meetings, pool their grievances against you, attack you anonymously, and demand your resignation.

Where in the New Testament do we find believers acting that way?

We don’t.

If your opponents really loved God, and truly followed Scripture, they would never act in an unbiblical, political fashion against you. They would use a biblical/constitutional process instead.

But when they use the law of the jungle, that’s the tipoff that they’ve surrendered their hearts to Satan.

Finally, God will use this experience to give you a better life … and ministry.

If you remain as pastor of your congregation, make sure that your church’s leaders use a biblical process to confront the troublemakers.

*If they repent, forgive them and let them stay … but do not let them be leaders for at least two years … and monitor their speech and behavior.

*If they refuse to repent, then ask them to leave your church. You cannot let them stay and resurface with new complaints down the road.

However, if you are forced to resign from your position as pastor, realize that God in His sovereignty may very well be protecting you from future harm.

The spiritual temperature of your congregation can be difficult to measure. Sometimes the pastor thinks a church is healthier than it really is … and only a crisis reveals the truth.

In my case, I thought my congregation was more mature than it ended up demonstrating. On a 1 to 10 scale … with 10 being the most spiritual … I thought my church was at a 7 … when it was probably around a 3.

Some individuals were at a 10 level spiritually … while others hovered around a 1 or a 2 … and unfortunately, those at the lower levels were the ones who prevailed … which says something about the church’s overall maturity.

I was worn out when I left, and had I stayed, I might have become a basket case. God knew that.

Referring to Lot leaving Sodom and Gomorrah, 2 Peter 2:9 says that “the Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials …” Another version says that “God knows how to deliver the righteous …”

For months after I resigned, I told myself, “I’ve been forced to leave a congregation. How humiliating!”

But somewhere along the line, I started telling myself, “I’ve been delivered from an intolerable situation. How liberating!”

I’m sure Jonah didn’t like being swallowed by a large fish, but that’s the means God used to get him to Nineveh.

And I’m sure that most pastors don’t like being swallowed by a few detractors, but sometimes that’s the method God uses to propel a pastor toward more effective ministry.

No, God isn’t directing your detractors to lie about you, and He will hold them accountable … but He is above and behind all that is happening to you.

Remember the story of Joseph in Genesis?

Or the story of Jesus in the Gospels?

God used the evil motives of conspirators to save others in both those cases … and He will do the same for you.

If you’re under attack, and you’d like someone to listen to you … pray with you … and help you think things through, please write me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org.

There is no cost to you … I just want to help as I’ve been helped.

What are your thoughts about what I’ve written?

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Ten Suggestions for Pastors Under Attack, Part 1

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged attacking pastors, pastoral termination, pastors under attack, responding to pastoral attacks on May 12, 2015| 1 Comment »

It’s mid-afternoon on a Tuesday.

As pastor of Grace Church, you’ve just about recovered your energy from last Sunday’s service … and you’re looking ahead to the following Sunday’s worship time.

Suddenly, the phone rings. It’s John, one of your board members. He sounds anxious.

“Pastor, I’ve just heard and confirmed that a petition is being circulated to call for a vote to remove you as pastor. I don’t have all the details, but I thought you ought to know.”

With that one phone call, your world will never be the same.

Because I’ve written a book on the topic of forced termination called Church Coup … because I write a blog on pastor-church conflict … and because I know firsthand what it’s like to be attacked from within your church … I regularly hear the stories of pastors who have already gone through this horrendous experience.

But what about the pastor who has just received word that a group of people from inside the church want him to leave? What, if anything, should he do?

Let me present ten suggestions for pastors who have just confirmed they’re under attack (five this time, five next time):

First, trust your pastoral instincts.

If you think you’re under attack, you probably are.

If you think someone hates you, they probably do.

If you think a group wants you to resign, you’re most likely correct.

Could you just be paranoid? Yes. Could you be overreacting? Of course.

But the most likely scenario is that you know in your heart of hearts exactly what is going on.

When I was under attack more than five years ago, some people from the church came around me and tried to encourage me. They would say things like, “I can’t believe So-and-So is against you” or “I’m sure you’re reading this wrong” or “Maybe this will all blow over in a few weeks.”

While I appreciated their attempts to make me feel better, I knew deep inside what the endgame was: to force me to quit.

And in almost every circumstance, my instincts were right.

The more years you’ve been in church ministry, the more finely-tuned your instincts are. While they’re not infallible, they’re incredibly accurate. Unless you have clear-cut evidence that they’re wrong, trust them.

Second, locate several comforting passages of Scripture and read them daily.

When you’re under attack, you usually can’t concentrate for very long.

If you can maintain a quiet time schedule … including reading through books of the Bible … then go ahead and do it … but realize that you may end up reading the words but not deriving much from their meaning.

Two books of the Bible deal specifically with attacks upon God’s servants: the Psalms and 2 Corinthians.

Time after time throughout the Psalms, David laments that his enemies are trying to harm him … even kill him. The way David felt several thousand years ago mirrors the way many pastors feel today when they’re under attack.

In my situation, I perused the Psalms until I found Psalm 35, and for several weeks, my wife and I read that psalm every evening before we went to bed. If you can identify one or more psalms that work for you, maybe you can park there for a while, and let God’s Word fill your mind and soul.

Paul wrote 2 Corinthians because some people in Corinth were questioning his qualifications to be an apostle. Paul opens up his heart and expresses his feelings in a way he doesn’t do in places like Romans or Ephesians. It’s great therapy.

If you find difficulty praying, it’s okay to shoot “arrow prayers” up to God during the day like “God help me” or “God save me” or “God give me wisdom.” Jesus was in so much pain on the cross that He only uttered a few words at a time, and our Father understands if you can’t pray as long or as deep as you’re accustomed to doing.

Third, confide in believers from outside the church.

When you suspect you’re under attack, proactively contact two types of friends who are not in your church:

*Contact personal friends who are believers. These are people who call you by your first name. They don’t know you as “Pastor.”

Share with them what you’re going through. Ask them to pray for you … and with you right then. Ask them to check in on you over the next few weeks.

When I was under attack, I regularly called several friends, including one who is a pastor, and two who were former board chairmen. While they were honest with me, they also let me know that our friendship superseded whatever my opponents were saying … and they usually saw matters more clearly than I did.

*Contact professional friends who can provide perspective. This includes seminary professors … Christian counselors … church conflict interventionists … and fellow pastors.

Five days after our conflict surfaced, I spent 14 hours on the phone one day with Christian leaders. They were generous with their time … provided much-needed insights … and let me know that I wasn’t alone.

If you can, take notes during these conversations. You’ll be able to relay their thoughts much better to your wife and family, and the notes may be useful down the road if matters go south.

Fourth, identify and meet with your supporters from inside your church … cautiously.

I spoke recently with a woman who was trying to bring a charter school to her community. She told me that a school leader held some face-to-face conversations with two school board members and came away convinced that both members would vote in favor of the project.

Both ended up voting no … along with the rest of the board.

The lesson? During times of crisis, don’t assume that people who have supported you in the past will continue to support you in the future.

And don’t assume that people who say they support you will continue to do so … because some will flip on you.

In fact, some may become double agents … acting like they’re your supporter but passing on whatever you say to your detractors … and you may not find out who these people are until it’s too late.

How can you tell who your supporters are?

They’ll use “we” language (“Pastor, what are we doing to do?”) … threaten to leave the church if you leave … encourage you not to resign prematurely … defend you to the hilt when people criticize you … and share any conversations they have with your opponents with you.

Assume that unless you’ve done something impeachable … like commit adultery, steal church funds, or commit a criminal act … most people will continue to support you, at least initially. After all, the great majority of people who attend your church are there because of you … and not because of your detractors.

Fifth, gauge the opposition against you: both who and how many.

This is a difficult step to take, but it’s necessary. Consulting with your supporters, you want to find out:

*Who is against you? Don’t be surprised if your opposition includes a staff member or a few board members. Some church leaders sense that if they can overthrow you in a coup, they will gain more power in the church by default.

When I discovered that some top church leaders were standing against me, I was devastated. Nobody had ever sat down with me and said, “Hey, Jim, I’m concerned about your behavior or about this aspect of the ministry.”

Looking back, those who ended up opposing me went silent whenever they didn’t like something I had said or done. That’s why I didn’t know they were against me.

You have to shake off the shock of discovering that an associate or close friend has turned against you. It says far more about them than it does about you. They lack the courage to confront you to your face and are only willing to go public when they’ve pooled their grievances with others.

*How many are against you? I haven’t read this anywhere, but here’s what I think:

If the entire church board is against you, you cannot survive as pastor. No matter how bad you feel, or what people are saying about you, do not resign without a severance agreement. Trade your resignation for a severance agreement … but don’t resign until you have one in place and it’s been reviewed by an attorney. If you resign without a severance agreement, you will put a tremendous strain on your family financially, and you will kick yourself for a long time.

Here is a blog article I wrote for board members on severance agreements. Feel free to send them the link:

Why Give a Terminated Pastor a Severance Package?

If a vocal faction is against you, try and find out how many people are in the faction, as well as their names. Know your opposition. If they are making demands and threats, they’re probably at the point where they’re telling people, “Either the pastor leaves or we leave.” If the faction doesn’t include any board members, staff members, or spiritual leaders, you may be able to survive provided that your board and/or your staff stands behind you.

During my second pastorate, a vocal faction … mostly composed of seniors … held a secret meeting … created a list of my faults (and included my wife and two kids) … approached the church board with their list … and demanded that I be fired. Because their list consisted of petty items, the board stood with me and the entire faction left the church en masse.

If several members of the church staff are against you, and their complaints are petty, call a public meeting and expose their opposition. Some will probably resign immediately because they don’t want to go on record against you. I know a pastor who did this many years ago and now leads one of America’s greatest churches.

Just because some prominent people are against you doesn’t mean that you should resign. And just because ten or fifteen percent of your congregation is against you doesn’t mean you should quit, either.

It all depends upon the strength of your support from the church board and staff. If they stand with you, you can survive any uprising. But if several of them wilt on you … especially because they’re friends with your opponents … that’s a different story.

I’ll share five more suggestions next time.

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Five Things I Miss – and Don’t Miss – About Pastoring

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged what pastors don't like about ministry, what pastors love about ministry on May 8, 2015| 4 Comments »

It’s been five-and-a-half years since I retired … or was retired … as a pastor.

There are aspects of being a pastor that I miss … and aspects that I don’t miss at all.

For example:

First, I miss studying for sermons.

I loved choosing a text or a topic, and then scouring my library until I had a stack of 25-30 books that dealt with that passage or issue.

And I loved finding an operational outline for my message.

And I loved writing the message, searching for the optimal words … creative illustrations … and practical applications.

When I was in the “study zone,” nothing else seemed to matter … and I often didn’t want the time to end.

I miss that.

Second, I miss teaching a class.

While preaching almost always consists of delivering a monologue, teaching a class can be much more of a dialogue with the students.

I loved preparing handouts … fielding questions … occasional debates … staying after class to interact … and going home feeling, “Wow, we all learned something important tonight.”

Since the senior pastor tends to be the only teacher in most evangelical churches these days … I trend I will never understand … I may never have the opportunity to teach an ongoing class for Christians in my lifetime.

I miss that.

Third, I miss counseling.

If someone came up to me after a worship service, and asked, “Pastor, do you have a few minutes?”, I thoroughly enjoyed listening to that person, encouraging their heart, and interceding for them in prayer.

If someone came to see me in my office for counseling, I considered it a great privilege, and did all I could to help the counselee feel heard and understood.

Most of us who are called to pastoral ministry just want to help people. I do that now whenever someone emails me for counsel (usually involving pastor-church conflicts) or calls me on the phone, but it’s not the same as when people came to see me as their pastor.

I miss that.

Fourth, I miss planning for worship services.

For years, I attended a meeting – usually on a Monday evening – with people who helped me plan upcoming services.

It was fun to choose the right songs … to ask someone to share a testimony … or to select a crazy video we might show before or after the message.

And it was exciting to put together the service so it would flow well and lead people toward the preaching of God’s Word.

I don’t know how many churches have a team that plans worship anymore … much of this seems delegated to the paid worship director/pastor now … but I enjoyed the camaraderie and strategy involved in such meetings.

I miss that.

Finally, I miss taking risks to reach people for Christ.

Last week, I presented a workshop at a Christian leadership convention on “Instituting Change in Your Church.”

During my 36-year pastoral tenure, I’ve been involved in a church merger … a church rebirth … serving as an associate pastor and succeeding a senior pastor … and overseeing all aspects of the construction of a worship center, among others.

Thankfully, with each mega change, I learned a little bit more about how to cast a vision … communicate it effectively … and bring people along to do something great for Jesus.

I miss that.

But there are things about church ministry that I will never miss … and some of them may surprise you.

First, I don’t miss weddings.

I once met a pastor who conducted 130 weddings a year on average.

That would drive me to the funny farm.

Weddings were difficult for me because I often didn’t know the couple I was marrying … so I didn’t know if they were telling me the truth about themselves during premarital counseling.

I married one couple on a Northern California beach … at least a quarter mile from the parking lot. He dressed up like Sir Lancelot, and she appeared as Maid Marian. The wedding guests – all 15 of them – sat on driftwood, and I think a horse was involved somewhere along the line. I had to wait an hour after the pronouncement for my honorarium, and even then, it was like pulling teeth.

God help me.

The last wedding I conducted was at a resort on another Northern California beach. The resort was 130 miles from my home, and my wife and I were gone 32 hours … mostly killing time until the ceremony. The DJ was paid … the caterer was paid … the resort was paid … the wedding hostess was paid … and the pastor was stiffed.

I don’t miss that at all.

Second, I don’t miss board meetings.

For most of my ministry, I liked board meetings. Various members didn’t always agree about everything, but we were usually able to talk matters out, come to consensus agreements … and leave as friends.

But toward the end of my ministry, I sensed that I was becoming irrelevant at those meetings. The board had an agenda … which they did not explicitly share with me as their pastor … and the meetings became full of tension.

Then the board started making decisions outside of meetings … announcing them inside the meetings … and ignoring whatever concerns or objections I had.

My mentor says that he used to tell his staff when he was a pastor, “Our entire ministry could fall apart overnight.”

I think more ministries are destroyed inside board meetings than anywhere else.

I do not miss them at all.

Third, I don’t miss correcting staff members.

When a pastor hires a staff member, he often does a sales job … telling the potential staffer how great the church is and how much he/she is needed.

But when a staff member messes up … and they all do … many of them are not very receptive to correction.

I never yelled at anybody. I never swore at anybody. I treated staff members the way I would want to be treated … and often much better than the way I was treated when I was a staff member.

But in case after case, staff members turned against me after I corrected them.

What’s the alternative? Lettings things slide?

Failing to address certain issues could have led to loss of credibility … damaged relationships … lawsuits … and even fatal accidents.

And if I as staff supervisor didn’t address those issues, I could ultimately be held responsible for staff failures.

I worked as a staff member for five pastors, and the first one corrected me more than the other four combined … and I ended up marrying his daughter!

But I don’t think I was ever as overly sensitive toward him as many staff members were toward me.

I don’t miss it at all.

Fourth, I don’t miss backstabbers.

When someone criticizes your ministry directly … using a response card, phone call, email, or a scheduled appointment … their observations might sting, but you can usually handle it, especially if you can engage them in a dialogue.

But churches … maybe more than most venues … have people who smile to your face … and stab you in the back.

I’m thinking of one woman in particular. One day at church, she walked up and kissed me on the cheek … told my wife that she was lucky to be married to me … and then did her best to destroy me behind the scenes.

They give you the impression that they care about you … that you mean a lot to them … and then they turn around and denigrate you when you’re out of earshot.

Yes, I will let God take care of them.

But I don’t miss them at all.

Finally, I don’t miss being a spiritual target.

And believe me, Satan is in the business of targeting pastors.

In many ways, a local church pastor is the key person in advancing Christ’s kingdom.

He functions as a prophet … bringing God’s message to His people … and as a priest … representing the people before God.

Denominational leaders … parachurch presidents … seminary professors … special speakers … all must go through the pastor to communicate with a congregation.

The enemy knows that if he can take out a pastor, the ripple effect will soon become a torrent.

So the devil attacks a pastor in a variety of ways, using weapons like discouragement … betrayal … depression … temptation … and burnout.

Now that I’m not a pastor, my emotions are more stable, my friendships more solid, and my health more favorable.

I no longer sense I’m a spiritual target.

And I don’t miss it at all.

I do miss the romance of Sunday mornings … especially those last few moments before preaching … when you have no idea how God is going to use you.

But I enjoy having nights and weekends free … leaving early on a Saturday to visit my grandsons … and hardly ever hearing the phone ring at night.

I’m glad I was a pastor for many years … and I’m glad I’m doing a different ministry now.

Paul’s words in Galatians 6:9 have gotten me through many a discouraging time:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Do I hear an “Amen?”

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Five Essential Books on Pastor-Church Conflict

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged books for pastors on church conflict, books on church conflict, Dennis Maynard, Kenneth Haugk, Kent Crockett, Peter Steinke, Speed Leas on May 6, 2015| 5 Comments »

There are times in our lives when a situation arises and we have no idea what to do.

We’re confused … upset … off balance … and despairing.

Believe it or not, there are times when pastors … no matter how well-trained or experienced they are … don’t know what to do, either.

In my own 36-year ministry, I needed more help when conflict surfaced than at any other time.

A conflict could occur through a phone call late on a Saturday night … at a staff meeting during the week … through an anonymous letter … on the church patio after a Sunday service … or from an unexpected visitor to my church study.

Much of the time, I was pretty sure how to handle matters.

But there were times when I didn’t know what to do or say … and I didn’t always handle matters calmly or wisely.

A pastor’s responses to conflict primarily come from his temperament … his experience … and his training … especially his training.

And since seminaries fail to prepare pastors for managing conflict in any meaningful way, pastors must rely upon mentors … and books.

For example, if someone criticizes the pastor severely in a letter, and the pastor doesn’t know how to reply, he might grab a book on conflict from his study bookshelf and formulate a reasonable response.

But if the pastor is sitting in a board meeting, and he’s unexpectedly criticized, he can’t excuse himself, run to his library, select a book, and read about what he should do or say.

In fact, the pastor should be so familiar with this scenario that he instinctively knows how to respond … and that can only occur if he’s already read and assimilated lessons from the best Christian authors on conflict.

Let me share with you the names of five crucial books on pastor-church conflict … and in no particular order:

1. Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times: Being Calm and Courageous No Matter What by Peter L. Steinke.

I first discovered Steinke’s writings when I was doing background reading for my doctoral project on antagonism in the local church using family systems theory.

Steinke’s book makes great reading for any Christian … lay people, board/staff members, or pastors … because he’s grounded in both Scripture and reality.

There are ideas in this book that I’ve never read anywhere else. For example, Steinke doesn’t believe, as many pastors are taught, that unity should come before truth, but that truth should come before unity. That single idea is worth the price of the book alone for me.

Later on, he tells the story of a pastor accused of child abuse, and champions an approach that calls for a fair and just process to play out before exonerating or condemning that pastor. (The charges were dropped before the pastor ever stood before a judge.)

Steinke’s postscript, called “People of the Charm,” is about narcissism in the local church, and is so good that I practically underlined the entire 11 pages!

Last summer, I had the privilege of attending Steinke’s annual training on conflict management called BridgeBuilder, and I can still see him speaking with perverse delight about various conflict interventions he’s engaged in over the years (more than 200 as of last August). He is a rare gift to the body of Christ.

This book is available on Amazon in both paperback and e-book editions. If you don’t have it, grab it … and devour it.

2. Moving Your Church Through Conflict by Speed Leas.

Speed Leas used to write for Leadership Journal, which still publishes articles and books for pastors. And out of all the authors who wrote on conflict, I felt that Leas was the most practical and insightful.

Eighteen years ago, when I was at a career crossroads, I was reading an article by Leas in Leadership, and I noticed that he lived about an hour away from me … up in the mountains.

So I contacted him and asked if we could get together. He kindly invited me to lunch and we spoke for several hours.

During our time together, he showed me a closet where he kept copies of many of his writings. I bought everything he had, and I absolutely loved his manual Moving Your Church Though Conflict. It’s a masterpiece.

In fact, I so valued his manual that I made several copies of it and put it in different places so I’d always have one in case I misplaced or lost the original.

In his manual, Leas presents his Five Levels of Conflict, for which he is justly famous.

Most churches can handle conflicts at levels one and two. With level three, positions begin to harden and groups begin to form.

In level four, people begin to say … usually to the pastor … “Either you go or we go.”

In level five, an individual or a group in the church engages in destructive behavior, attempting to destroy the position, reputation, or career of someone else … usually the pastor.

Leas says that when a conflict reaches levels four or five, the leaders must call in an outside party like a mediator, an interventionist, or a conflict manager or the conflict will spin out of control.

Thankfully, when I experienced a horrendous conflict five-and-a-half years ago, I remembered some of Leas’ words at critical junctures, and tried to behave as he instructed.

I bought an e-book copy of Leas’ manual several years ago on Amazon, but noticed that it’s temporarily out-of-print. Scour the internet and see if you can find one … it’s worth its weight in gold.

3. When Sheep Attack by Dennis R. Maynard.

I used to see this book on Amazon but figured it was lightweight because of its cover, featuring a cartoon of two giant sheep ready to pounce on a fearful minister.

But I’m glad I finally relented and bought the book, because even though it’s relatively brief, it’s full of wisdom and truth.

Maynard states emphatically that there are dysfunctional personalities in our churches … that these people want to hurt clergy … that their methodologies follow a pattern … that their impact is devastating … and that they can be thwarted if the people in a congregation work together.

Based on surveys he took with twenty-five pastors, Maynard states that these pastors were bullied and forced out of their congregations even though their churches were growing and making an impact for Christ.

As one pastor told him, “I still don’t know what I did wrong. Everything was going so well. Then a group of no more than a dozen people brought it all to an end. I just don’t get it … I feel like I was punished for doing a good job…. Please, somebody tell me what I did wrong.”

While the stories in this book are priceless, I also noticed that I marked up nearly every page.

4. Pastor Abusers: When Sheep Attack Their Shepherd by Kent Crockett.

Of all the books I’m recommending, this is the one I wish I had written myself. In fact, I think so highly of this book that I wrote a review of it on Amazon and gave it five stars, as did almost everyone who has reviewed it.

Having been through forced termination himself, Crockett’s chapter titles include:

“The Secret Church Scandal”

“Satan’s Strategy to Expel the Pastor”

“Do Demons Attend Church?”

“Showdown with the Abusers”

“Life After Leaving: What Do I Do Now?” (This is the best chapter on finding a new ministry/job for pastors that I’ve seen in print.)

Kent is a great writer … he’s written many books, and has an insightful blog … and I’m proud to call him my friend. In fact, the first time we spoke on the phone, he exclaimed, “Churches are sick!”

You gotta love a guy like that!

In fact, if you look at my book Church Coup on Amazon, there’s a place on my page where it says that my book and his book are frequently bought together … and I’m honored to be mentioned in the same breath as Kent.

5. Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and Deal with Destructive Conflict by Kenneth C. Haugk.

I’ve used this book so much that the binding has loosened and many of the pages have fallen out.

Haugk is the founder of Stephen Ministries. For years, he’s conducted workshops in churches dealing with antagonism in churches.

The chapters are brief but full of insights. For example, Haugk says that if a pastor is in his church office, and an antagonist comes by and demands to speak with pastor immediately, the pastor should calmly tell the antagonist that he can’t speak with him now and that he needs to set up an appointment.

This might seem like a small matter, but when I tried this suggestion one time, a man who was gunning for me was so offended that he left the church … thank God … and never returned.

A unique feature of this book is that Haugk collects all the relevant New Testament texts on antagonism in churches and briefly explains each one.

For around $50, pastors and church leaders can purchase five incredible books on pastor-church conflict, and by reading them carefully … marking them up appropriately … and incorporating their insights into everyday church life … a pastor can be well-armed to defuse, manage, and resolve the conflicts that inevitably arise in a local church.

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Why Pastors Handle Conflict Poorly

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged Church Coup by Jim Meyer, how pastors manage conflict, pastoral termination; on April 27, 2015| Leave a Comment »

The latest statistics I’ve seen state that 28% of all pastors have experienced a forced termination at least once and that 1500 to 1900 pastors resign from church ministry every month … the majority of them being forced out.

When pastors are under attack inside their own church, they become shocked and disoriented. They often go into hiding … wish they could run away … and sink into depression.

When politicians are under fire, they put out statements … hold press conferences … respond to their critics … and fight back.

But pastors? More often than not, they tend to wilt, and when their critics sense that the pastor is on the ropes, they continue punching until the pastor is lying on the canvas … out cold … and out of ministry.

Why do most pastors handle conflict so poorly?

First, seminaries aren’t training pastors to expect church conflict.

In my book Church Coup, I recounted a story that happened to me nearly twenty years ago.

One Sunday evening, I spent five hours in the home of a well-known Christian leader who also taught at my seminary … although he wasn’t there when I was a student.

I asked this professor why pastors aren’t taught “street smarts” in seminary. He said that the accreditation committee insisted that core classes be academic in nature (like Hebrew/Greek, hermeneutics, apologetics) and that practical issues like church conflict could only be covered with electives.

I did take a class in church conflict management in seminary … it met very inconveniently in the middle of the afternoon … and there were only eight of us in the class. As a church staff member, I had just gone through a situation where my senior pastor had been voted out of office and I wanted to learn all I could about how to handle such situations better.

Since my Doctor of Ministry program was focused on church conflict, I also took a class in managing conflict from Dr. David Augsburger – one of the foremost authorities on personal/church conflict in the world – and wrote my final project (dissertation) on dealing with church antagonism using both the New Testament and family systems theory.

But even though I’ve had more formal training than many pastors in conflict management, that doesn’t mean that I’ve always handled the conflicts in my ministry expertly.

I believe that pastors need to supplement any seminary training they’ve received in conflict management by reading insightful books and by attending any conflict training they can find.

Because if and when churchgoers attack, you need to respond instinctively and decisively or you’re toast.

Second, church antagonists don’t fight by the rules.

Whenever there is a conflict in a church – especially one focused on the pastor – there are three primary sources for guidelines:

*There is the Bible … especially the commands, practices, and principles of the New Testament Christians.

*There is the church’s governing documents … the constitution and bylaws … which are often a summary of what the Bible teaches on a particular topic. (For example, many bylaws use Scripture to summarize how to handle church discipline.)

*There is the law … especially what your state has to say about termination practices and ruining someone’s reputation and livelihood.

Pastors are well-versed in Scripture, and they assume that if they’ve done something to offend or anger another believer, that person will approach the pastor with a desire to make things right as the New Testament prescribes.

But no matter how many times pastors preach on Matthew 18:15-20, most people who are angry with the pastor don’t go and seek him out … often choosing to complain to their friends instead.

And when someone is so upset with the pastor that they want him to leave, they will circumvent Scripture altogether … avoid their church’s governing documents … and bypass the law as well.

Instead, they will attack the pastor using the law of the jungle. They react emotionally … exaggerate his faults … deny him due process … and judge and sentence him without ever letting him respond to his accusers or their accusations.

We might say that while the pastor knows to handle conflict spiritually, his opponents choose to attack him politically.

There are ways to handle those who use the law of the jungle … and I love sharing them with pastors who are under fire … but when pastors discover that they’re being bludgeoned by lawless believers, they become disheartened and nearly quit from despair.

They ask themselves, “How can professing Christians act like this when they’re so clearly disobeying God?”

But the pastor needs to understand that his adversaries … often as few as 7 to 10 people … aren’t focused on keeping any rules, biblical or not … they’re focused on “mobbing” him until he quits under pressure.

Third, most pastors are sensitive individuals.

My friend Charles Chandler, the president of the Ministering to Ministers Foundation, says that 77% of all pastors are feelers, not thinkers, on the Myers-Briggs Temperamental Analysis test.

That’s what makes them good pastors.

They empathize with their people’s hurts and struggles. They feel joy when a couple gets married … sorrow when a church attendee suddenly dies … and exhilaration when a new believer is baptized.

Many men … and leaders … in our country are insensitive toward the hurting, but a good pastor feels what his people feel. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 11:29, “Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?”

So when someone attacks a pastor, his first instinct isn’t to defend himself, or to fight back.

Instead, his first instinct is to feel numb … and shocked … and betrayed … and wounded.

I believe that a pastor’s antagonists have studied his personality and can predict how he will respond to their criticism. They sense that his sensitivity plays into their hands and that he will choose to resign rather than fight them in any manner.

To fight back, the pastor needs to feel some outrage … to realize that an attack on his position is really an attack on the church as a whole.

But being sensitive … and acting nice … isn’t going to help him keep his position.

Finally, most pastors are blindsided by their attackers.

The late Ross Campbell was a Christian psychiatrist and a great man of God. He wrote the Christian classic How to Really Love Your Child (his book changed my wife’s parenting) along with many other books on child raising.

He also had a heart for hurting pastors, especially those who experienced forced termination, and regularly attended the Wellness Retreats sponsored by the Ministering to Ministers Foundation as a consultant.

Here’s a picture of my wife Kim with Ross:

Ross shared with us the template for forcing out a pastor one evening, and since he had counseled hundreds of pastors and their wives, I wrote down everything he said.

Ross said that most pastors are asked to resign right after they return from having time away. With the pastor away, the church board feels they can plot without the pastor becoming suspicious, and when he returns from his trip, he’s in a vulnerable state and not yet operating at an optimal level.

I hear this all the time from pastors: “It all happened so fast. I didn’t see it coming. I had no time to prepare … and I thought things were going so well.”

And that’s the whole point: when you return from a trip, you’re trapped in an emotional no-man’s land, and you’re in no mood to handle matters confidently.

When I was going through my conflict in the fall of 2009, I received a phone call from a megachurch pastor who knew all about what was happening to me. He told me that one particular individual had been speaking negatively about me for years and that the whole plot had been in the works for some time.

This pastor encouraged me to fight back. He told me that five ex-pastors attended his church and were miserable because they couldn’t find a new ministry.

In the end, I chose to resign, but if conditions had been different, I might have fought back.

But not long after our conversation, that megachurch pastor was abruptly forced to resign himself. As soon as he left, his biography had vanished from the church website.

If you’re a pastor and you’re reading this, I encourage you to do some reading in the area of church conflict with a special emphasis on forced termination.

In fact, I’ll recommend some books on conflict management in my next article.

Doing such reading might sound negative, but believe me, it may just save your job … and your career.

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Why Do Some Churchgoers Hate Their Pastor?

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged church antagonists, hating a pastor, pastoral termination, why people hate their pastor on April 24, 2015| Leave a Comment »

That doesn’t sound right, does it … why do some churchgoers hate their pastor?

Aren’t God’s people supposed to love their pastor instead?

Well, yes, most Christians do love their pastor, which is why they attend the church they do.

But the truth is that some Christians grow to despise their pastor over time … and when they act on their hatred, they have the capacity to destroy themselves … their pastor … and their congregation.

How do I know this?

I haven’t interviewed an extensive number of church attendees about pastor-hatred, and I haven’t seen any studies along this line.

After all, which Christians would honestly confess to a survey taker that they hate their pastor?

But I have spoken with numerous pastors about this problem … and have encountered individuals who hated me during my 36 years in church ministry.

And when one reflects upon how some parishioners act toward their pastor, hatred is the only possible explanation … and this is a primary factor in the large number of forced terminations in the wider Christian community.

So why do some believers hate their minister?

First, the pastor represents God to them.

The pastor is a man of God … who speaks from the Word of God … with the power of the Spirit of God … inside the church of God.

You would think that everyone would appreciate and welcome this phenomena, but that’s not true.

I once preached through the Gospel of Mark, and came to chapter 6, where King Herod beheaded John the Baptist.

That Sunday, an antagonist who had left the church a year before returned and sat twenty feet away from me with his arms crossed.

After the service, he complained to the board chairman that I had aimed the message directly at him. The board chairman said, “Look at the bulletin. Jim was in Mark 5 last week, and he’s in Mark 6 this week.”

But the antagonist was convinced that I was preaching at him, and his animosity toward me grew even greater.

It was only a matter of time before he led a rebellion against me.

When people aren’t leading a righteous life, the simple preaching of God’s Word may cause them to repent and change … or rebel even more.

And in such cases, that rebellion isn’t against the pastor, but the God the pastor represents.

But God is unapproachable, hidden away in heaven, and the pastor is right there in the flesh, available and visible … and in some strange way, taking him down is a way of taking God down.

Second, the pastor reminds them of an authority figure.

Maybe the pastor looks a little like their dad … or he has a similar sense of humor to an abusive boss … or his voice and mannerisms make them recall a former professor.

When you’re a pastor, you can’t possibly know who feels this way about you … nor should you know. You need to be yourself when you preach, not somebody else.

I would think that someone who feels this way would want to leave the church, but much of the time, they’ll stay and stew if the rest of their family likes the pastor.

When I was growing up, pastors were definitely authority figures. In our day, many pastors want to be liked so much that they bend over backwards to come off as friends, not leaders.

But when a pastor has a strong personality and makes bold statements, you’ll usually find some rebellion … and even some hatred.

Third, the pastor consistently tells them how to live.

Who has this role in our culture?

I can only think of two individuals … parents and pastors.

School teachers instruct their students in academic subjects. Employers insist that workers do their jobs. Uncle Sam wants to make sure that citizens comply with the law.

But which authority figures in our society have the role of “all-around life coach?”

Once a person leaves home, there’s only one possibility … a pastor.

When a pastor is doing his job, he’s preaching on what God’s Word says about marriage … raising kids … obeying the government … being faithful in the marketplace … observing ethical guidelines … and relating wisely to God.

You can welcome the pastor’s role … as most people do … or you can resent his role … as some do.

I think of the comment made about Jesus on the day of His crucifixion, when the crowd said, “We will not have this man to rule over us!”

Translation: we’re not going to follow His teaching. It’s too challenging and convicting … and worst of all, we’ll have to change the way we live … and we’re not about to do that!

And when a pastor talks about surrendering your life to the Lordship of Christ, that’s precisely what some people refuse to do … and some might even be church leaders!

What did they do with Jesus? They got rid of Him … and twenty centuries later, things haven’t changed all that much.

Fourth, the pastor hurt them in some fashion.

Maybe it was something he said from the pulpit … or something he said in passing on the patio … or something he said in a counseling session … or even something he said in a board meeting.

Whatever the pastor said, he probably doesn’t know about it … and won’t be given the opportunity to clarify his remarks or make things right.

Some people who become hurt by others ruminate on their wound. They rehearse it over and over … work themselves into a tizzy … and tell everyone how badly they were treated.

Some stop going to church altogether. Some leave that particular church. Some only attend periodically.

But some are determined that they are going to stay … and their pastor has got to go.

Before I left my last ministry, I was told that someone absolutely hated me. I never found out what I did or said to make them hate me … and if I guessed, I’d probably be wrong … but I’m confident that hatred spread to others.

Hatred always does.

In fact, a primary reason why some people hate their pastor is that one or two of their friends hate him … and to stay friends, they need to comply with that hatred rather than challenge it.

Finally, the pastor possesses inferior knowledge … skills … and leadership ability.

Some churchgoers believe that if they could trade places with their pastor, their church would become much more efficient and successful.

These people imagine themselves preaching better than their pastor … leading better than him … and managing the church plant and finances in a manner superior to him.

Some of these individuals were called to the ministry years before, but resisted that call … and now they feel guilty.

So when they notice something around the church that isn’t going well, they imagine what would happen if they were in charge … and they tightly embrace that thought.

And in some cases, it’s true … they probably could surpass the pastor’s talent level in some key areas.

But God didn’t call them to lead or pastor their congregation. God called their current pastor … and if they don’t like it, they should leave, not him … because chances are good that most people love their pastor.

I don’t revel in discussing issues like these, but somebody has to do it, because there’s far more hatred directed at pastors in our day than we realize.

Pastors can sometimes feel that hatred … especially while preaching … but other times, it’s cleverly disguised.

My hope is to start people thinking … conversing … and interacting with one another … so we can devise biblical, honest, and loving ways to deal with these issues in the church of Jesus Christ.

I’m sure I didn’t exhaust the reasons why some people hate their pastor.

What reasons can you think of?

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A Pastor’s Five Friends During a Crisis

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged pastors and betrayal, pastors and friendship, pastors in crisis on April 22, 2015| 2 Comments »

Many years ago, I read a quote from a pastor describing church ministry that went something like this: “You are either entering a crisis, in the midst of a crisis, or coming out of a crisis.”

Like most pastors, I survived many crises during my 36 years in church ministry, including rebellious staff … plunging donations … crooked contractors … draining antagonists … worship wars … false accusations … and many others.

Before I resigned from my last ministry more than five years ago, I began observing how my friends … at least, people I considered to be friends … responded toward their departing pastor.

I’m unsure if my experience is typical, but I offer this up especially for my pastor friends who have gone through a crisis that still affects them … especially a forced termination.

I believe that pastors have five kinds of friends when they go through a crisis:

First, a pastor has professional friends.

This list includes pastoral colleagues and denominational leaders.

At least in my case, most of my pastor friends simply weren’t there for me.

If you’re a pastor and you’ve gone through a forced termination, you’ll discover that many – if not most – of your pastor friends will distance themselves from you. They won’t contact you … listen to you … encourage you … or pray with you.

And in most cases, when you leave your church, your relationships with those pastors will end forever.

Is it because they’re busy? Lack the time to find out what happened? Don’t want to interfere with a pastor/church conflict?

I don’t really know. But I’ve come to learn that those friendships usually vanish.

As far as district personnel … those relationships usually end as well. Most district ministers relate to the pastors in their jurisdiction as professionals, so when a pastor leaves, he’s quickly forgotten … and the district minister tries to forge a relationship with that church’s new pastor.

To his credit, my district minister – even though he had only been on the job one month – met with me … heard me out … encouraged me … and called me the month after I left … which is more than most district ministers ever do when a pastor has been forced to leave.

Second, a pastor has church friends who betray him.

This includes:

*those who believe the first accusations they hear about the pastor

*those who quickly forge ties with the pastor’s detractors

*those who cut off all contact with the pastor

*those who initially support the pastor when he’s around but turn against him after he leaves town

If someone never liked their pastor … or criticized him incessantly … that person cannot by definition become guilty of betrayal.

Betrayal is reserved for those who were friends with the pastor but turned against him when it became expedient or popular.

In my case, I was surprised by some of the people who turned against me. I had spent hours with certain individuals … in counseling, in ministry, outside of church … and thought our friendship could withstand almost anything.

So I was initially shocked that some deserted me so quickly … but I’m not alone.

Jesus’ disciples all ran for their lives after His arrest, didn’t they?

And Paul wrote to Timothy, “At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them” (2 Timothy 4:16).

As I wrote in my book Church Coup, many pastors view people in their congregations as friends, but those same people really don’t view the pastor as their friend … only as their current minister.

When I had strong proof that someone had betrayed me, I unfriended them on Facebook. I wasn’t going to give them a portal into my life or feelings. In one case, a woman whom I had unfriended made three requests to be friends again on Facebook, but I ignored her … especially when I discovered that she had severely criticized my wife in a public meeting after we left.

When you’re pastoring a church, you have to be “friends” with everybody. When you’re no longer pastoring that church, you can choose those you want as friends.

It’s an empowering choice.

But sometimes a friend still believes in you, but the friendship dies anyway.

There was a man in my last church that I considered a good friend. We did some things outside church together, and he was fiercely loyal when the bullets started flying over my head.

A couple of years after I left, I returned to the community where our former church was located, and I invited him out for a meal. He did most of the talking, and never asked me one thing about how I was doing.

As painful as it was to accept, I knew that relationship was history.

Third, a pastor has friends who remain supportive but with whom he loses contact.

When some pastors experience a forced termination, they encourage their loyal followers to leave the church, and if they sense enough of them are willing to go, they consider using those people as a core group to start a new church … but I believe that’s unethical.

In my case, I encouraged everyone to stay at the church … both publicly and privately.

But while many initially stayed, more and more left over time.

Sometimes they called or wrote and told me why they left. Sometimes I heard from someone else that they had left.

Some of those friends went to another church or stopped going to church at altogether … casualties of the conflict.

Some moved away from the community but chose to stay in touch via Facebook or email … at least for a while.

There is a natural attrition to all of our relationships, most of which are geographically based.

When we’re living in the same community with someone, and we see them all the time, it feels like that friendship will never end.

But when one of those friends moves away, the relationship changes, and in many cases, withers away.

But I am grateful to every single person who remained supportive, even if we’ve lost touch over time. And if we make contact again, I hope we can pick up where we left off.

Fourth, a pastor has church friends who stay in contact with him.

On my final Sunday morning more than five years ago, I stood in the pulpit and preached one last time.

If I had surveyed the congregation and guessed which individuals would still be my friends five years later, I would have guessed wrong.

Some that I thought would be friends forever surrendered our friendship for good … but thankfully, others I didn’t anticipate stepped up to take their place.

In fact, I have developed many new friends through this experience, none of whom care about my history … and many of those friends are pastors who have undergone their own crises.

I have also discovered that on the whole, women are much more loyal as friends than men. They are better listeners, more understanding, more empathetic, more responsive than men, and more spiritually oriented.

It was exclusively men who initially turned on me … even if their wives were supportive of their actions. Maybe this shouldn’t surprise us since women were much more loyal to Jesus after His death than His own handpicked disciples.

Here’s a basic rule of thumb: I can still be good friends with those who attend my former church, but in most cases, I can be better friends with those who no longer attend the church.

Those who still attend the church naturally feel loyal to their current pastor and leadership team. But that means that neither of us will ever feel entirely comfortable discussing what is happening at the church currently … and that may color how we view incidents from the past.

It’s easier for me to be authentic with those who no longer attend the church because we’re freer to be transparent.

Finally, a pastor has personal friends who will always be there for him.

When a pastor comes to a church … especially if he plans to stay for many years … he gradually comes to view his church family as his real family. I suppose this kind of thinking is necessary for a successful ministry because the pastor’s whole life revolves around that congregation.

But the flip side is that the pastor often ends up neglecting his family members and old friends who live elsewhere because he is so immersed in congregational life.

In my case, all of my old friends remained my friends. And when I moved back home to Southern California, many wanted to get together again, even though we hadn’t seen each other in decades.

These friends didn’t care about a conflict in a church hundreds of miles away. They just wanted to renew our friendship and laugh about old times.

And I can’t say enough for my family members … on both my wife’s side and my side. Over the past five years, I have gotten to know them much better, and have developed an abiding love and respect for them that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

For those of you who have stuck by me these past few years, I now know who my real friends are.

And I thank God for your listening ears (and I haven’t always been easy to hear) … your encouragement … and your prayers.

You have not only demonstrated real friendship, but authentic faith as well.

You mean more to me than you’ll ever know … and I hope I can be half the friend to you that you’ve been to me.

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The Church Meeting That Never Happens

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged attacking a pastor, challenging a pastor's leadership, church antagonism, church board and pastoral termination, church bullies, church members who complain, church members who threaten to leave, pastoral termination on April 15, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Good afternoon, church family. I’ve called this meeting today to share with you some additional perspective about the resignation of our now-former senior pastor, George Anderson.

Pastor George served our church effectively for nine years. Under his leadership, our attendance doubled, we’ve made inroads into our community, and many lives have been changed. For much of this time, I’ve served on the church board alongside him, and now serve as chairman.

As you may know, Pastor George had big dreams for our congregation’s future, and he was eager to share those dreams both in public and in private.

But over the past several years, two groups opposed to his plans emerged inside our church. One group was dead set against Pastor George’s desire to build a new worship center. The other group felt that it was time for Pastor George to leave.

When I first heard about these groups and their dissatisfaction with the pastor, I involved other elders and met with leaders from both groups separately, listening to them, answering their questions, and letting them know that I cared for them.

I told them our policy here at Grace Church: if you have a problem with the pastor personally, then you need to sit down and discuss it with him directly. But if you have a problem with our future plans or church policies, then you need to sit down and discuss your concerns with any of the elders. If we believe your concerns have merit, we’ll take them to the next elder meeting, discuss them, and get back to you with our decision.

This is exactly what we did on several occasions with members from both groups. They seemed satisfied for a few weeks, but then they’d start complaining all over again.

Then somewhere along the line, the two groups merged into one.

In the meantime, various members of this new group began bypassing the board and complaining directly to the pastor. But they didn’t just express their concerns: they began verbally abusing him, threatening his position and career, and promising to leave the church en masse if he did not agree to their demands.

At this point, I stepped in, trying to mediate the situation between Pastor George and this new group. But The Group wouldn’t budge an inch. They all threatened to leave the church if Pastor George did not resign.

Looking back, I made two mistakes at this juncture:

First, I should have recommended bringing in a conflict mediator or a conflict consultant to try and resolve matters between the pastor and The Group. Whenever a group in the church says, “Either he leaves or we leave,” the conflict cannot be resolved from inside the church. I didn’t know this at the time. Now I do.

Second, I should have stood more solidly behind the pastor. There are several individuals in The Group with whom I have been friends for years, and I couldn’t bear for them to leave the church. But The Group interpreted my wavering as a lack of support for the pastor and turned up the heat for him to resign. They began spreading rumors about him and his wife that simply weren’t true, and unfortunately, some people began to believe them.

When some people began attacking Pastor George and his family, he came to me with tears in his eyes and said, “This has got to stop. We can’t take this anymore. I am willing to offer my resignation in exchange for a severance package that will allow me to support my family until I can discern God’s next assignment for me.”

So the elders reluctantly accepted Pastor George’s resignation and unanimously decided to give him a fair and generous severance package so he and his family can heal in the days ahead.

But not only must Pastor George and his family heal: the people of Grace Church need to heal as well.

I have learned that in almost every situation where a senior pastor is forced to resign, the elders/church board do their best to act like nothing happened. They sweep sinful behavior under the rug, pretend to start over, and privately blame the departing pastor for everything negative that happened.

But that is not going to happen here at Grace.

Let me briefly share four steps that the elders are going to take to bring healing to our church:

First, the elders are going to identify and confront the members of The Group with their abuse toward Pastor George.

We made it very clear to members of The Group how to handle their disagreements with Pastor George, and they handled matters with power, not with love, which is not the way the New Testament specifies. Therefore, the elders will be meeting with every person in The Group.

We will ask each person to repent of their sin toward Pastor George, the elders, and this church family.

If they refuse, we will ask them to leave the church.

If they agree, we will ask for them to contact Pastor George and apologize. We will also let them attend the next meeting of the elders to apologize to us as well.

If they wish to stay in the church, they cannot hold a position of leadership for at least two years, and we will carefully monitor their conduct. We don’t want a repeat performance with a new pastor.

If you have been part of The Group, and you’d like to confess your part in our pastor’s departure, the elders will be available here at the front after today’s meeting.

Second, the elders will not tolerate any attempts to destroy Pastor George’s reputation or career.

The elders felt that Pastor George was a man called by God when we invited him to be our pastor, and we still feel that way today. As a human being, he made some mistakes at times during his tenure here, but he was never guilty of any major offense against Scripture.

When many pastors are forced to resign, some people inside that church later scapegoat the pastor for anything and everything that went wrong during his tenure. But this is playing into the devil’s hands, and we will not allow this to occur.

We believe that once he heals, Pastor George has a bright future in ministry, and the elders will do all in their power to make sure that Pastor George is spoken of in the highest terms here at Grace.

Third, the elders are aware that some people are going to leave the church over this situation.

If you came to this church because of Pastor George’s ministry … and most of you did … I ask that you stay and help make Grace a great church.

If you find that you miss Pastor George a great deal, will you come and speak with me or one of the elders? If after a few months, you wish to leave the church, just let us know that’s why you’re leaving.

If you want to leave the church because of the way the elders are handling things today, then be my guest.

I didn’t know this until the last several weeks, but whenever a pastor is forced out, many people leave the church.

When the elders keep quiet about why the pastor left, the healthy people leave.

When the elders are open about why the pastor left, the troublemakers leave.

Guess which group we want to stay?

Finally, the elders welcome your questions, comments, and concerns.

In many churches, when the pastor resigns under pressure, the elders put a gag order on the staff and congregation, telling them they are not to discuss matters at all.

But that’s how dysfunctional families operate, and we want to operate in a different manner: we want to tell the truth in love.

There are some matters that we will not discuss openly, not so much for legal reasons, but because we prefer to handle matters behind the scenes. If the elders sense that we need to go public with an issue, we may do that through the church website, the newsletter, through small group meetings, or through another public congregational meeting.

Our methodology is to tell you as much as we can rather than tell you as little as we can.

If you want to know why Pastor George resigned, please contact him directly. If he wishes to speak, great. If he doesn’t, that’s his business. We are not going to try and control him, and he is not going to try and control us.

The unity of a church is fragile at a time like this, and we’re tempted to blame various groups or individuals for what’s happened.

But I believe that unity is based on truth … not on cover ups or lies … and we’re going to put that theory to the test.

Do you have any questions for me?

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Shrink Your Church, Keep Your Job

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged forced resignation of pastors, forced termination of pastors, pastoral termination, reasons why pastors are terminated on March 13, 2015| Leave a Comment »

A pastor friend who reads this blog told me a story recently that seems paradoxical.

My friend became the pastor of a church several years ago that averaged 45 people on Sundays.

Three years later, the attendance had tripled and the ministry was going great … except that the rapid growth upset some key leaders.

They began making accusations against the pastor … who was shocked by what they were saying and how they started treating him.

So he eventually resigned … those who came to the church because of him left … and the church reverted to its original size.

This pastor was asked recently to attend a function where many of his pastoral colleagues were present … and many of those men pastored congregations on the small side … even smaller than 45.

But they still had their jobs, and if history is any indication, most of them will remain as pastors for a long time.

We might put this ministry paradox this way:

If a pastor grows a church too rapidly, he can find himself unemployed … but if someone pastors a stagnant church, he may keep his position for years.

For an existing church to grow in 2015, a pastor must institute change … which usually involves risk … which creates anxiety among some people … which leads to complaining … which can lead to antagonism, plots, secret meetings, charges, demands, threats, and the ultimate resignation of that pastor.

Let me give you an example of this scenario from my own ministry:

Many years ago, I pastored a church that was growing at a steady pace. I initially focused primarily on teaching and shepherding … and the ministry went very well.

We crowded out two services in our worship center, so I had to put on my leader hat and make plans to build a new worship center on our property.

This meant putting together a building team … allotting special funds to hire an architect … letting the architect explain his ideas to the congregation … letting the congregation respond to the architect’s proposal … hiring a contractor … starting a capital funds drive … collecting pledges … overseeing construction … dealing with the planning commission … dealing with resistant neighbors … calling in a federal mediator to help with the resistant neighbors … holding a groundbreaking ceremony … overseeing construction for a year … getting final city approvals … and holding a dedication Sunday.

And I’m sure I missed at least a dozen other steps!

I kept the congregation informed at every key juncture. Every vote that our church took on every building-related issue was unanimous. In my view, I handled the changes well.

But there was still fallout. We lost around 8% of our regular attendees. Some didn’t want to contribute to the building. Several leaders tried to sabotage the entire project. And when the building was finally unveiled, some people complained about colors … furnishings … room functionality … you name it.

I once heard that 70% of all pastors resign soon after completing a building program. I can see why. You’re so worn out by the time the building goes up that you have little energy left to grow the church.

But just constructing a worship center (called “architectural evangelism”) never attracts new people. The pastor still needs to exercise leadership to fill the building, and when he begins taking risks again, the whole anxiety/complaining/antagonism/plots/threats cycle starts all over again.

If a pastor chooses to exercise true leadership in a church, then someone is going to attack him. Most pastors instinctively know this, and because so many pastors are sensitive individuals, most opt not to lead, which is why 80-85% of all churches in America are stagnant or declining.

But when a pastor does lead, he invariably makes some enemies.

If those people perceive that the pastor is strong, they will probably leave the church.

If they perceive the pastor is weak, they may organize to try and force him to leave.

But if a pastor chooses not to lead … but to focus on administration and teaching and shepherding instead … the chances are much greater that he’ll keep his job for a long time … even if his church never grows.

I visited a church several years ago where the pastor had been there for more than three decades. The church had been in decline for years (the attendance was half of what it once had been) but the pastor was allowed to stay because he functioned best as a teacher and a shepherd rather than a leader.

Although the boat was taking on water, at least the pastor wasn’t rocking it!

By contrast, Dennis Maynard mentions in his book When Sheep Attack that the 25 clergy he interviewed for his study were all leading growing churches when they were forced to resign.

Maynard states that “… several of our participants noted that they believed that returning the parish to its former state of mediocrity was what they thought the antagonists really wanted. They observed that the antagonists often objected to the increase in attendance and new members. They resented the expanded program. They particularly objected to having new leadership raised up in the congregation. Once the parish is returned to its former size and activity the antagonists are in a better position to, as one priest wrote – ‘run things themselves.'”

The idea that many of the pastors of rapidly growing churches lose their jobs while the pastors of stagnant/shrinking churches keep their jobs isn’t based on a scientific study. It’s just a personal observation. But in my mind, it seems to ring true much of the time.

All of this leads me to ask four questions:

First, is it better for a pastor’s career prospects for him to focus on teaching/shepherding rather than leading in any meaningful way?

In other words, should a pastor focus on a few things and leave the leadership to the staff … the board … or other influencers?

Second, at what point do a church’s lay leaders begin to turn on the pastor of a growing church?

Is it when their friends/spouses threaten to leave? When the church grows beyond their control?

Third, to what extent can a pastor be run out of a church for doing too much good?

Can a pastor be too successful? How does a pastor know when he’s in career jeopardy?

Finally, why do Christian leaders permit this kind of sabotage in our churches?

Why aren’t our seminaries teaching prospective pastors that church success can very well lead to eventual unemployment? Why don’t our denominations support productive pastors over against damaging antagonists?

Jesus wasn’t executed because His following was insignificant, but because His influence and popularity were expanding. He was crucified for being too effective.

Twenty centuries later, the careers of many pastors end for the same reason.

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Restoring Kingdom Builders

Archive for the ‘Conflict with Church Antagonists’ Category

Five Tough Questions About Pastoral Termination

Ten Suggestions for Pastors Under Attack, Part 2

Ten Suggestions for Pastors Under Attack, Part 1

Five Things I Miss – and Don’t Miss – About Pastoring

Five Essential Books on Pastor-Church Conflict

Why Pastors Handle Conflict Poorly

Why Do Some Churchgoers Hate Their Pastor?

A Pastor’s Five Friends During a Crisis

The Church Meeting That Never Happens

Shrink Your Church, Keep Your Job

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