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Anger in the Church

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged , , on April 17, 2015| 2 Comments »

Over the years, I’ve witnessed some pretty volatile moments in the churches I’ve served.

*During my first pastorate, I was teaching on the resurrection of Christ at a midweek study.  When I mentioned that Christ’s resurrection couldn’t be scientifically proven, a board member stood up, barked, “Then we’re all wasting our time here,” walked out of the room, and slammed the door hard.

*In my next ministry, I threw some hymnbooks into the dumpster.  They were so old that even the Rescue Mission wouldn’t take them.  The greatest antagonist I’ve ever had in any church found them (I should have thrown them out at home) and told anyone who would listen that I was throwing out the old hymns and therefore should be tossed on the trash heap myself!

*Years later, in another church, a board member became visibly angry during three separate meetings.  He kept promising to accomplish certain tasks, but didn’t get anything done, and when another board member called him on it, he went ballistic.

In addition, I’ve seen a board member stand up and lash out at a woman during a congregational meeting … had staff members adamantly refuse what I asked them to do … been fiercely challenged about my theology seconds after preaching … and on and on and on.

And from what I’ve heard from other pastors, most of the churches I served were mild in the volatility department compared to theirs.

Let’s be honest: Christians don’t handle anger very well.

We know that anger is often sinful and is one of the more overt misbehaviors in Christ’s church … so much so that Paul devoted 8 key verses to anger in Ephesians 4:25-32 … among the greatest words ever written on the subject.

I’m particularly interested in verses 26 and 27:

“In your anger do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Let me share four thoughts about anger in the church from these verses:

First, every Christian, being human, feels angry at times.  We may not like admitting this, and may even try to hide our feelings, but there are times when each of us becomes very upset … even at church … and even with the best of God’s people.

In fact, Paul implies that this is normal behavior.

Just feeling angry isn’t sinful by itself.  If we can control how we feel, and express it constructively, our anger can do much good.

But unfortunately, many Christians don’t express their anger very well.  They suppress it until it explodes.  (I heard one pastor say that there was a psychologist in his congregation who claimed that the pastor had more suppressed anger than anyone he had ever known.)  Or they unleash it at the most inopportune times.

Second, it is possible to become angry without sinning.  Just because I feel angry doesn’t mean that I have to express that anger verbally.  I can choose to distract myself … pause before speaking … walk away … or deal with the source of my anger.

Put another way, I can control my anger rather than letting my anger control me.

Every time God issues a command in Scripture, He is saying to His people, “Not only do I want you to do this, I expect that you will do this.  You have the power to choose.”

For years, I became angry every time I was driving and another car came up behind me and tried to force me to change lanes.  If he kept pushing me, I’d finally get over, but then I’d yell at him and sometimes even chase him … both stupid, dumb, counterproductive actions.

I told myself, “This happens so often that I have to come up with a plan for dealing with my feelings.”  So with God’s help, I did.  Here’s what I do now:

If another car demonstrates road rage in my rear view mirror, I get in the next lane … let off the gas … and verbally say to the Lord, “May You send a Highway Patrol officer to arrest that driver.”

Works for me.

If someone at church keeps getting on your nerves, come up with a plan in advance on how you’re going to respond … and if possible, ask a friend or family member if you can be accountable to them for your behavior.  Sometimes that plan involves using several different phrases that you can pull out of a hat to defuse the situation … or better yet, just ask the other person a question, such as, “What do you mean by that?”

Worked for Jesus.

Third, resolve any lingering anger that very day.  If Christians took to heart Paul’s phrase, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” we’d have far fewer divorces among Christian married couples … and almost no destructive conflicts in churches.

Paul encourages God’s people to resolve that day’s conflicts before sunset … or, in the case of family members, before bedtime.

This summer, my wife and I will be celebrating our fortieth wedding anniversary.  Since we both have strong personalities … even though our temperaments are exact opposites … we sometimes cross verbal swords with each other.

It’s okay for us to disagree with each other … to express how we really feel at the time … and even to show a little anger.  (I once heard evangelist Luis Palau say that if a husband and wife agree on everything, one of them is retarded.)

What isn’t okay is for us to go to bed angry with each other.

Early in our marriage, there were a lot of nights where we stayed up until midnight trying to iron out our latest disagreement.  We were determined to obey this verse and not “let the sun go down” while we were still angry.

My guess is that we’ve only gone to bed angry with each other a handful of times over those forty years, and in every case, we quickly resolved matters the following morning.

This concept is so important that I believe that every successful married couple practices it.  It’s unbearable to live in the same house day after day when you’re ticked off at your partner.

But the context in Ephesians 4 isn’t marriage, but the local church … and for some reason, when another Christian wrongs us … or we wrong someone else … we quickly become hurt … even angry … and rather than resolve matters by moving toward the other person, we move away from them, which creates distance.

And then we recite the hurt to others in hopes of seeking allies.

Most of the time, when someone in the church became visibly angry in my presence, I was able to listen … calm the person down … hear what they were upset about … and suggest a way to resolve matters.

But since most Christians believe they shouldn’t become angry … and should never express that anger … they just push their feelings underground, and it surfaces in the form of avoidance … sarcasm … gossip … slander … and even rage.  (Paul was cognizant of the phenomenon of unresolved anger, commanding us in verse 31 to “get rid of all bitterness … rage and anger … brawling and slander … with every form of malice.”)

I’ve heard that pastors on the whole are an angry bunch … probably because we have a lot of be angry about.  And sadly, I must confess that there have been times in my ministry when I overreacted … said something stupid … failed to restrain my emotions and language … and deeply hurt someone else in the process.

If and when that happens, I need to make things right with the target of my wrath as soon as possible because:

Finally, unresolved anger invites Satan’s influence into a church.  Paul says that when believers don’t resolve matters before sunset, we are giving the devil “a foothold” into our life … and into our church family.

In fact, bitterness (mentioned specifically by Paul in verse 31) is probably the leading cause of church conflict … church splits … and pastoral termination.

It’s okay to share with another believer that I am upset about something they said or did … as long as I “speak truthfully” to my neighbor and remember that “we are all members of one body” (verse 25).

In other words, it’s fine to be assertive as long as I’m not aggressive (being assertive + angry) in the process.

But when I’m aggressive instead of assertive … and when I fail to speak directly to the person I’m upset with … and when I involve others in my dispute … then I’m making a situation worse, not better.

And Satan rubs his hands with glee, because now he has an entry point into the congregation: my own bitterness.

But I don’t want the devil to roam free throughout my church family.  Instead, I want the Holy Spirit of God to have free rein (verse 30) and I want the devil chased away.

Paul concludes Ephesians 4 with one of the greatest statements in all of Scripture: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Translation: you’ve been angry with God and others on many occasions, haven’t you?  And every time you’ve approached the Father and sought forgiveness, He’s forgiven you, correct?

Then when others are upset with you … even when their anger is unjustified … forgive them unilaterally.

And do everything possible to rectify matters with your brothers and sisters so you can reconcile with them … just as the Father reconciled Himself to us through His Son, Jesus Christ.

As I think back over my life and ministry, I find that I’m not upset about the people who came to me and bludgeoned me with their anger.  Sometimes these were good people who were hurting in another area of their life and sensed I was a safe person to unload on.

No, I’m much more upset that I said or did something that may have driven someone else away from the Lord or His people … and that, if I did sense their pain, I didn’t resolve matters as soon as possible.

What are your thoughts … and feelings … about anger in the church?

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When Churchgoers Threaten to Leave

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on February 25, 2015| 2 Comments »

While going through some old church files recently, I stumbled upon a folder I forgot I had.

The folder contained documentation related to a couple who had once left a church I pastored.  I’ll call them Harry and Mary.

Harry came to Christ under my ministry.  A while later, I married him to Mary, a long-time Christian.  They attended several small groups that I led.

I even invited Harry over to watch the Super Bowl with me one year.

During premarital counseling, I discovered that Mary struggled with a particular issue.  While I made suggestions on how to manage things, there didn’t appear to be a long-term solution at hand.

Then one Sunday morning, I made a strong statement from the pulpit that reflected a value I held dear.  I could have said it better, but I explained it and moved on.

But I had hit a nerve with Harry and Mary.  They were incensed at what I had said.

Harry and Mary were part of a group that met after the first service.  When they entered the room, they immediately began criticizing me to a new couple.

That new couple never returned.

I don’t remember receiving flak from anyone else after making my statement, but Harry would not let me forget it.

He made an appointment with me in my office and wanted me to apologize for the statement that I made while preaching.

If he had said, “Jim, I appreciate your ministry.  I enjoy your preaching and have learned a lot about the Bible from you.  But that statement you made really stung, and here’s why,” I probably would have said, “Harry, I still believe in what I said, but I admit to you I could have said it better.”

But that’s not what Harry did.  He demanded an immediate apology.

Some pastors would have apologized on the spot.  Others would have stood their ground.

I tend to come from the “stand your ground” group.

And all I could think of was, “If I apologize this time for something I said while preaching, is he going to demand more apologies in the future?”

If I apologized, I was extremely concerned about the precedent I would be sending.

So I tried to explain rather than apologize … but that wasn’t enough for Harry.

He and his wife wrote a letter to the church board.  The chairman listened to the recording of my message.

The board’s conclusion: I hadn’t said anything wrong.

The board unanimously stood behind me, and Harry and Mary fired off another letter to the board, letting them know in detail why they were leaving the church.

Pastors would rather gather sheep than drive sheep away, but when sheep begin to threaten the shepherd, the shepherd must enforce boundaries.

Let me make four statements about people who threaten to leave a church:

First, making threats is a power move, not a love move.

Several years ago, I traced the English words “threat,” “threats,” and “threatening” throughout both Testaments and could not find a single instance in which those terms were used in a positive manner in Scripture.

When someone threatens us, they promise, “If you do A, I will do B” or “If you don’t do A, I will do B.”

Using a threat implies that the person making it (a) is superior to the person being threatened, and (b) views himself or herself as being indispensable.

While our world often operates by threats, that’s not the picture we receive in Scripture of how relationships operate in the body of Christ.

If I could do it all over again, I would have told Harry, “When you threaten me, I feel defensive and resistant.  If you’ll calm down and rephrase how you feel, I can hear you better.”

Second, making threats damages innocent people.

I once served on a church staff and was approached by someone who told me, “If the pastor doesn’t start doing Such-and-Such, ten percent of the people in this church are going to leave.”

That wasn’t a warning … that was a threat.

Based upon our attendance at the time, ten percent equaled 25 or 30 people.

That’s a lot of attendees … a lot of volunteers … and a lot of givers.  If they all left, it might take several years to replace them, and that can cause a pastor … or staffer … to panic.

My experience tells me that only a handful of those 25-30 people really felt strongly about the issue.  In fact, the likelihood is that most people agreed to join the cause simply to support their friends.

Knowing what I know now, I would have told the person making the threat, “This isn’t the best way to handle this situation.  Can you identify for me the two or three people who are most upset by this issue?”

If given their names, I would have said, “Chances are this is just their concern.  If this is a personal matter, I encourage someone to go and speak with the pastor directly.  If this is a policy matter, I encourage someone to go and speak with a board member directly.  But I encourage you to stop speaking for anyone who is unwilling to go directly to the pastor or the board.”

Suggesting a wiser course of action may not always work, but it’s worth a try.

Third, making threats works all too often.

This is why people do it … at least, at church.

People would never make similar threats at work, or at a government office, but they’ll do it with God’s people.  Why?

Peter Steinke writes in his book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times that when some people use aggression and anger at church:

“Peace mongering is common.  With tranquility and stability reigning as premium values, congregational leaders adapt to their most recalcitrant and immature people, allowing them to use threats and tantrums as levers of influence.  Malcontents’ complaints never seem to cease.  Unwilling to confront the constant critic, leaders set the table for the unhappy souls to have a movable feast of anxiety.  By appeasing rather than opposing, leaders give control to reactive forces.  Feed them once and leaders can be sure they will be back for more.”

Of course, that’s the problem when threats work: it’s guaranteed those same threats will be used again.

Finally, making threats should never be rewarded.

Once Harry went to power … and refused to shift into love mode … I knew what the outcome was going to be: he and his wife were going to end up leaving the church.

For a few weeks, they sapped the energy out of the congregation, the church board, and their pastor.

More than 95 percent of our congregation liked the church the way it was.  People were growing spiritually and excited about our future.

But the more the board and I engaged with Harry and Mary behind closed doors, the less effective we were in ministering to the rest of the church.

Because of the energy sap, and because most people who make threats are never satisfied, I believe that most pastors and boards should handle similar situations swiftly but firmly by saying:

“We have listened to your complaints.  We have made a decision, and we cannot support the way you have handled things.  You have a choice: either stay at the church and support the ministry, or feel free to leave.  The choice is up to you.”

Pastors should never make threats, either, and those that do should be given the opportunity to rephrase their threat.  But if a pastor consistently says, “If you don’t do this my way, I will resign,” then a church board may reluctantly have to say, “Pastor, we don’t reward threats, so if that’s your final decision, we’ll accept your resignation.”

As a pastor, I hated it when people left the church, and tended to take it personally.

But sometimes, the best possible outcome is for unhappy people to walk out the door and never return … especially if they unwisely use threats.

And when people who use such tactics leave, throw a party!

I always did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Protecting a Pastor’s Reputation

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on January 21, 2015| 3 Comments »

After a pastor has been forced out of a church, he goes through an incredible amount of pain.

*He loses his position … and maybe his career.

*He loses most of his church friends … and sometimes his wife and/or children.

*He loses his income … and can’t file for unemployment.

*He loses his joy and drive … and his ability to trust people.

Statistics indicate that 45% of the time a pastor experiences a forced exit, a small faction was responsible for his departure.

Only 7% of the time is the pastor’s misbehavior the real reason for his leaving.

And yet … after his last day … forces inside the church will informally conspire to blame everything on him.

What are these forces?

First, many interim pastors blame the previous pastor for any conflict that ensued.

I hear these stories all the time.  They have become predictable.

An interim is hired … comes to a church that’s just pushed out their shepherd … and concludes, “The pastor deserved to leave.”

Why does the interim do this?

*He wants to curry favor with his new employers.

*He wants to discredit the previous pastor so he will look good by comparison.

*He wants to make friends with “the faction” so they won’t turn on him.

*He wants the shadow of the previous pastor to stop hovering over him.

*He wants to “forget the past” and move on.

But in the process, many … if not most … interims allow the reputation of the previous pastor to be trashed.

And what’s sad is that in most cases, the interim has never even met the previous pastor.

Wouldn’t it be better if an interim pastor said this publicly instead?

“I have never met your pastor, so I don’t know him at all.  From what I’ve heard, he did a lot of good while he was here.  I’m sure that many of you have fond memories of him, especially when he ministered to you during a time of need.  Although I don’t know all the events surrounding his departure, as long as I’m here, we’re going to honor him for the good that he did, and pray that God will eventually bring about reconciliation between the pastor and anyone who might be upset with him.”

But when is the last time you heard an interim pastor say something like that?

Second, the church board blames the previous pastor as well.

They say things behind the scenes like:

“He always wanted his own way.”

“He wanted to change things too fast.”

“He refused to cooperate with us.”

“He never listened to our ideas.”

These charges sound credible because members of the governing board both knew and worked with the pastor.

But there are two problems with these statements:

*The pastor isn’t around to defend himself.  He may have a vastly different interpretation of the circumstances prompting his departure.

*The church board ends up taking zero responsibility for their part in the pastor’s exit … leaving them in a position to repeat their error.

During my 36 years in church ministry, there were many staff members who worked under me.  Sometimes, those situations didn’t work out.

When they left, I asked myself, “What did I do to contribute to their lack of success here?”

If it was a character issue, there may not have been anything I could do.

But if it was a supervisory issue, then maybe I did bear some responsibility for their leaving … and I didn’t want to repeat my mistake with the next person hired.

Wouldn’t it be better for a church board to say this publicly instead?

“We are sad that our pastor has left.  He was called here by God.  He loves his wife and children.  He worked hard as pastor.  We felt that his preaching was biblical and instructive, that he cared deeply for the people of this church, and that he will be very much missed.  Although we aren’t able to share all the details of his departure, we believe that he still has a future in ministry.  Therefore, we will not tolerate anyone trying to destroy the pastor’s reputation.  If we hear any talk along this line, we promise that you will be confronted and corrected.  Let’s not cause any more pain for the pastor or our people.”

But when is the last time you heard a board say something like that?

Third, the faction that drove out the pastor must blame the pastor. 

They have to.  It’s part of their narrative.

The faction could be a group of old-timers … or seniors … or traditionalists … or staff members … or the church board … or a synthesis of these groups.

The faction … often as few as 7 to 10 people … will blame all the church’s problems on the previous pastor for a long time.

They want the spotlight on him … not on them.

But this isn’t the tactic of a mature believer, but of a child.

When I was in second grade, some girls were bothering me.  One recess, my friend Steve and I handled things … unwisely.

The girls told the teacher.  The teacher came over to me in class and shook me … hard.

Thinking fast, I blamed everything on Steve … and it worked.

I don’t remember what happened to Steve, but I quickly found myself in the clear.

The girls shouldn’t have done what they did.  And Steve shouldn’t have helped me scatter them.

But I bore responsibility for my actions.

And when a faction plays a part in pushing out a pastor, they are responsible for their actions.

But for some reason … and I will never, ever understand this … nobody at the church holds them responsible.

In fact, they’re usually forgiven (which really means excused) without demonstrating any kind of repentance.

Their false accusations … malicious charges … gross overreactions … and attempts to destroy someone called by God are all ignored by the interim pastor … church board … and church staff.

And then, to guarantee future immunity, this group cozies up to the interim and the new pastor.

Wouldn’t it be better for the pastor’s attackers to say this publicly instead?

“We were angry with the pastor.  He didn’t always do what we wanted him to do.  His resistance made us anxious.  And so we overreacted.  We spread vicious lies about him.  We ran him down every chance we could.  We used the telephone and social media to make him look bad.  Even though our accusations clearly hurt him, we kept things up, even attacking his wife and children.  But we were wrong.  Although we can’t bring the pastor back, we admit our part in his departure, and will submit to any correction that the church board deems fair.  And we promise to apologize to the pastor for the way we treated him and his family.  We have asked God to forgive us and ask you as a congregation to forgive us as well.”

But when is the last time you heard a faction say something like that?

When pastors leave a church prematurely, they may have made some mistakes … but that doesn’t mean their reputations should be besmirched in their former church … among their former church friends … or in the wider body of Christ.

The single best way to protect the previous pastor’s reputation is for the remaining church leaders to properly assess responsibility for the pastor’s departure.

If the pastor was guilty of heresy, sexual immorality, or criminal behavior, okay, then maybe he’s fully or almost fully to blame for his leaving.

But if a faction rose against him … and the board turned against him … and some staff betrayed him … then how can the previous pastor be 100% to blame?

He can’t be.

God forgive us for the way many Christians thoughtlessly harm the reputations of a former or current pastor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hurting Christians: Bitter or Wounded?

Posted in Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on December 10, 2014| 6 Comments »

There is an assumption among many Christians that when a pastor … staff member … board member … or churchgoer remains perpetually hurt about something, this is an indication that that person is bitter.

And as long as they’re bitter, we’re told, they can’t be right with God, they’re automatically divisive, and good Christians should avoid them until they repent.

As proof, Christians like to quote Hebrews 12:15, which says, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

The phrase “no bitter root” is translated “root of bitterness” in other translations.

I’ve met bitter Christians, and you probably have as well … and we’ve all been bitter in our own lives at times.

But I believe there is a difference between Christians who are bitter and Christians who have been wounded, and that most Christians make the mistake of identifying the two.

So let me share with you three contrasts between bitter and wounded Christians:

First, a bitter Christian stays that way over the years, while a wounded believer gradually begins to heal.

Let’s say that I’ve been a volunteer at my church for years, and one Sunday, my supervisor (also a volunteer) tells me in front of others, “I’m making some changes in this ministry, and you’re out.  That’s it.”

How would you feel?

Angry?  Probably.  Hurt?  Definitely.

Would you stay in the church?  Maybe … or maybe not.

Most likely, you’d be bitter initially.  You wouldn’t feel like forgiving the supervisor, or supporting the church’s capital campaign financially.

In fact, you might even feel like getting even with the supervisor, like writing him a nasty letter, or putting some derogatory comments on Facebook, or blasting him to your friends.

Many Christians feel bitter when they are mistreated by another believer … and we have to allow them to feel this way.

But in most cases, that initial bitterness will probably subside over time … and may very well change into woundedness.

Second, a bitter Christian focuses on the injustice, while the wounded believer focuses on God’s sovereignty.

If I’m a bitter Christian, I’ll say to myself, “I was doing such a great job at my church!  I was there all the time … really cared about people … and this is the thanks I get?”

And I’ll say that Sunday after Sunday after Sunday.

I’ll keep recalling the words of the supervisor and ruminating about the way I felt on that Sunday so long ago … and I won’t be able to put it out of my mind.

For the bitter Christian, yesterday’s injustices are just as fresh today as the day they occurred.

But the wounded Christian says, “Yes, I was hurt, and had every right to be.  My supervisor handled matters poorly, demeaning and devaluing me.  But although I couldn’t see it at the time, God used that incident to let me know that I was overloaded and overwhelmed in my life, and that I needed to spend more time with the Lord and with my family.”

Focus on the injustice, and you’ll stay bitter.  Focus on God’s good plan, and your bitterness will subside … but not necessarily your woundedness.

Third, the bitter Christian won’t forgive his assailant, while the wounded believer will.

We Christians spend a lot of time excusing people who have hurt us.  We don’t want to admit that someone has penetrated our emotional defenses enough to harm us.

The only way to handle some situations is to say, “So-and-So really hurt me … and maybe they meant to hurt me.  What they did was inexcusable … and very, very wrong.”

We only need to forgive those who have wronged us.  There’s no need to forgive anybody who hurt us without wronging us.

The bitter Christian holds on to his or her anger because it makes them feel alive … and more powerful than their attacker.

And the bitter Christian continues to hope that something awful happens to the person who hurt them.

The wounded Christian eventually forgives the person who hurt them … and lets the bitterness go … because they know that ongoing bitterness will destroy them, much less their relationships with others.

Several days ago, I was listening to the great Irish vocalist Mary Black sing a song from her CD Mary Black Live called “The Poison Tree.”  Black and Marcia Howard rewrote some of poet William Blake’s original lyrics and they deeply moved me:

I was angry with my friend
I told him so and my wrath did end
I was angry with my foe
Told him not and my wrath did grow

And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles

And it grew both day and night
Till it bore an apple bright
And my foe beheld it shine
And he knew that it was mine

Was a poison tree
Beware of a Poison Tree
Poison Tree
Growing inside of me

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched
Beneath that tree

Was a Poison Tree
Beware of a Poison Tree
Poison Tree
Growing inside of me

Poison Tree
Beware of a Poison Tree
Poison Tree

What happened to you
And me

I don’t want a poison tree growing inside of me … and my guess is that you don’t, either.

And the only way to stop the poison tree is to forgive those who have hurt us.

But even after we forgive, we may still feel wounded … but being wounded does not mean that we are still bitter.

Over the past five years, I have lost many things I once held as precious: a career, a job, a house, Christian friends, and so much more.

Those losses have created wounds that won’t easily go away.  How could they?

But I don’t wish any harm on those who hurt me.  I don’t wish … or plot … that they will lose their careers, or houses, or friends.

I’m not bitter.

I am wounded.

There’s a difference.

And I’m trying to take those wounds to prevent and resolve conflicts in churches … especially those that involve pastors.

I guess, in the words of Henri Nouwen, I am a wounded healer.

And that’s the best thing to do with our wounds: heal others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Reliving the Anniversary of a Church Coup

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged on October 24, 2014| 8 Comments »

Five years ago today, October 24, 2009, I attended a board meeting at the church I had served as pastor for ten-and-a-half years.  The meeting began with a surprising and shocking announcement.

Within fifty days, the senior pastor (me), associate pastor, outreach director (my wife), youth director, and all six board members resigned.  Many others eventually left the church – some quitting church altogether – all stemming from the announcement made at that meeting.

When something triggers my memory, I mentally and emotionally relive that day.

Although I was not guilty of any impeachable offense – and my conscience has been clear on that for five years – that meeting ended up catapulting me out of a thirty-six-year pastoral career.

Because I want to prevent other pastors, church leaders, and congregations from experiencing something similar, I wrote a book about that fifty-day struggle called Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict, published by Xulon in early 2013.

With the benefit of time, formal training, personal study, and conversations with Christian leaders, I’d like to share five cautions for Christians to observe when their pastor is under attack:

Caution One: if you have a personal grievance with your pastor, follow Scripture before you do anything else.

If you’re upset with your pastor personally, don’t tell your friends, pool grievances with others, or seek to have the pastor removed from office.

Instead, follow Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

In this case, your pastor is your brother.

Personal conflicts with a pastor sometimes spread to the entire congregation because Jesus’ followers fail to obey His directives.

At my wife’s preschool, she tells children who are fighting, “Use your words.”  She has them sit down at a green table and discuss their differences between themselves.  She tells me that so far, in every single case, the children have successfully worked matters out.  They share feelings, say “I’m sorry,” and walk away with matters resolved.

Can Christians learn from preschoolers?

If you do speak with your pastor about a personal grievance, and you’re not satisfied with his response, you can follow Jesus’ steps in Matthew 18:16-17 and 1 Timothy 5:19-21.

But most people who have a personal grievance with a pastor never speak with him directly.  Instead, they share their feelings with others – which is how Satan starts firestorms in churches.

Please: if you won’t discuss your grievance with your pastor personally, then let it go … or leave your church.

But above all: follow Scripture.

Caution Two: you don’t know the real story until you’ve heard the whole story.

I watched the news several days ago about the shootings at the Canadian Parliament in Ottawa.  Some of the initial reports (there were two shooters, one shooter was a member of al Qaeda) proved not to be true.  We’ll learn more about what happened with each passing day.

When a pastor is under fire, the initial accounts you hear may not be true.  If you believe and distribute those reports without solid evidence, you may be responsible for spreading rumors that will hurt people and damage your congregation’s soul.

The only way to know the whole story is to:

*exercise patience

*wait for an official investigation

*hear all sides of the issue

*discount anyone who intends to hurt or punish the pastor

During a conflict, it’s tempting to adopt the viewpoint of your friends so you’ll fit in.  After all, if you disagree too strongly with their views, they might freeze you out from their inner circle.

But if you jump on the “kick out the pastor” bandwagon, you may later be viewed with suspicion as someone who overreacts.  It’s far better to wait for the truth to come out – and that may take months.

Fifteen days after our conflict surfaced, I sat in two meetings of the congregation (totaling three-and-a-half hours) and did not say a word in my own defense. I suppose many people assumed that I was guilty of the charges because I did not respond to them.

But the consultant who was present that Sunday had advised me not to say anything in the meetings, and I promised him I wouldn’t.  If I had spoken up, I could have exposed the entire plot and decimated my critics, but I didn’t.  In fact, I never said one word in any public church meetings in my own defense.

And then I waited more than three years to tell my story in writing.

I wonder … how many people waited for the whole story to come out before hardening their opinions?

Caution Three: insist that church leaders use love first, and only use power when love doesn’t work.

My only secular work experience was at McDonalds, where I worked two (long) years as a teenager.

When the management at McDonald’s wanted the crew to do something, they used threats.

If we stole food, they promised to fire us.  If we stole money, they said they’d prosecute us.

The managers at McDonald’s used power to keep their employees in line, but love wasn’t part of their modus operandi.

However, when I began serving in church ministry, leaders used love to keep staff members in line.  When I messed up, someone spoke to me directly.  They aimed for restoration.  They forgave me when I admitted mistakes.  They would only resort to power if their attempts at love failed … and with me, love always worked.

As a pastor, I served with church boards for twenty-five years, and whenever we had a disagreement, or a board member was unhappy with me, someone would speak to me in love.  We’d discuss matters, resolve the issue, and move on.  Since love worked, power wasn’t necessary.

But in my last ministry, I ran into a board that began to use power first.  They made decisions outside meetings, and then announced them inside meetings without my input or approval.  This had never happened to me before.

I believe that a pastor and a church board should work together.  If the pastor wants to make major changes, he needs to run them through the board first.  If the board wants to make major changes, they need to run them by the pastor first.

But toward the end of my tenure, that didn’t happen.  When board members were unhappy with me, no one sat down and spoke with me in love.

Those tactics sent the church into a spiral.

Paul writes in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”

No power moves are mentioned in that verse. If someone – like a pastor – is caught in a sin, God’s Word doesn’t say to punish him harshly.  It says to “restore him gently.”

I never felt any love.  I never sensed any desire for restoration.  I never heard the voice of God coming through their pronouncements.  Instead, I sensed a desire to get even.

It became personal.

The hatred ended my pastoral career and spread throughout the church.  It’s been difficult to recover my heart.

Where was God’s grace?

Several months ago, I attended conflict intervention training with Peter Steinke, who works with mainline churches.  Out of eleven people taking the training, I was the only person with a Baptist background.  At one point, Steinke asked me, “What’s with the Baptists?  They seem to see the pastor as being all good or all bad.”

I don’t have an answer for that.

Caution Four: protect the reputation of your church’s pastor and leaders.

I hear lots of stories of pastors who are pushed out of their churches, usually by the governing board.

These pastors – who have devoted their entire lives to serving Jesus – are petrified that their forced exits will end their pastoral careers.

And humanly speaking, they have good reason to feel that way.

I know a pastor who served his church faithfully for more than twenty years.  After he was forced to resign, vicious rumors started flying around the church about him.

Six months later, when a church showed interest in him as a pastoral candidate, they nearly dropped him from consideration because people from the pastor’s former church called the search team in an effort to smear the pastor’s reputation.

To their credit, the church called the pastor anyway … but that’s often not what happens.  False accusations – which are often feeling-based rather than fact-based – have a way of making the rounds in the Christian community.

Some churches drop a candidate from consideration if they perceive there’s even a hint of failure in his past.  And some forced-out pastors are so devastated by assaults on their character that they assume they’ll never secure another church position.

Pastors are not evil.  Sometimes they’re not matched well with a church or community.  Sometimes they were effective early in their tenure but can’t take the church to the next level.  Sometimes they’re burned out and hanging on for dear life, reluctant to share that information with church leaders because they’re afraid they’ll be instantly dismissed.

But should a pastor be chased out of a church if things aren’t going well?

How do professing Christians harm the reputation of their present or former pastor?

*They attribute false motives to the pastor.

*They naively believe every negative thing they hear about him.

*They disseminate those charges through the telephone and social media.

*They spread rumors and innuendos about the pastor without confirmation.

*They conclude that the pastor is so evil that he needs to leave the church … and maybe ministry altogether.

But these “believers” seem unaware of one basic truth:

When a pastor is attacked from within, the church is attacked as well.  And the being behind that attack is always Satan.

Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 5:12, “Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you.  Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work.  Live in peace with each other.”

How does God want believers to act toward their pastors?

“Respect … hold in the highest regard … love … live in peace.”

That’s a far cry from Satan’s strategy: to destroy pastors through deception.

The allegations you spread can ruin a pastor’s life.  Do you want that on your resume?

Caution Five: ask God to show you your part in the conflict, and to make things right with anyone you harmed.

Paul wrote to the church at Corinth in 2 Corinthians 12:20: “For I am afraid that when I come … there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.”  Those words perfectly describe what happens inside a church when a major conflict breaks out.

But how many people, if any, ever repent for their part in causing quarreling, slander, and disorder?

From all my conversations over the years, I can only recall a handful of times when those who collaborated to force out a pastor later apologized to him:

*Four staff members revolted against a pastor I know.  After they all resigned, one staff member sent a letter of apology … seven years later.

*A pastor friend served as an interim at a church where the board had pushed out the pastor.  The board chairman stood up in the congregation and confessed his part in the coup.  The board later extended the pastor’s severance package.

*One of my college professors served as the pastor of a megachurch for many years.  He was eventually forced to resign, but when a new pastor came, he invited the former pastor back and the congregation apologized to him for the way they had mistreated him.

*A pastor recently told me that someone confessed their part in removing him from office … seventeen years after the fact.

Several years ago, I discovered a place online where the names and photos of nearly all my detractors were visible.  They were all connected to one individual who had opposed my ministry for years – Grand Central Station for anyone who didn’t like me.  Didn’t surprise me one bit.

Not one has ever admitted their part in forcing my departure.

May God forgive them all.

Although I’m retired from church ministry, I am reaching several thousands every month through my blogs.  If you enter the words “terminate pastor” into a search engine, mine is usually the top entry on Yahoo’s first page, and I’m on Google’s first page as well.  I reach far more people through writing than I ever did through preaching, which is all God’s doing.

I am content to be where God has placed me.

I know very little about what’s happening at my last church.  I refuse to do to others what was done to me.  I have never spoken with the pastor.  I never visit the website.  I only have twelve friends on Facebook who still attend the church, and we never discuss church happenings.

Those were good years, for the most part.  I wish the church well.

And I pray that church – and your church – will always know God’s peace.

 

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Lessons in Conflict Resolution from Preschoolers

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged , on October 21, 2014| 2 Comments »

“Use your words.”

Several times every week, as I walk through our house that has been turned into a preschool, I hear my wife’s voice, directed toward warring children:

“Use your words.”

One child is playing with a toy … but another child takes it away.  The child who originally had the toy hits the child who took it.  My wife tells them:

“Use your words.”

My wife doesn’t like it when the kids tattle on one another.  If she doesn’t witness an incident, she’s not always sure exactly what happened.  She wants the kids to learn how to resolve matters themselves, so she’ll tell the tattler:

“Use your words.”

There are times when I’ve watched the kids play, and one child will start screaming.  Because we don’t know why she’s upset, my wife will tell the drama queen:

“Use your words.”

She even has a special green table, and when two kids aren’t getting along, she sits them down to work things out and gets things rolling by saying:

“Use your words.”

She wants the children to speak to each other directly … immediately … and calmly.  When they do that, she says matters are resolved every single time.

Jesus said something similar:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

What is Jesus saying?

“Use your words.”

When another Christian takes your toy … or you’re tempted to tattle to the pastor on them … or you feel like screaming at them … go the green table and:

“Use your words.”

Talk to the person who hurt you directly … just between the two of you … rather than involving others.

Talk to them immediately … rather than avoiding them for a long time … which only makes matters worse.

Talk to them calmly … rather than escalating matters … because a quiet tone defuses anxiety.

Jesus says, “Don’t yell at them.  Don’t sock them.  Don’t throw something at them.”  Instead:

“Use your words.”

When churches are in conflict … when pastors and staff members don’t get along … when the church board is upset with the pastor … Jesus says:

“Use your words.”

Sometimes, Christians do use words, but they speak harshly … rashly … deceptively … fearfully.  When you’re on the receiving end of such words … and we all are at times … Jesus tells us to express ourselves this way:

“Use your words.”

I read an article yesterday about Frank White, the great second baseman for the Kansas City Royals in the 1970s and 1980s.

Nine years ago, White was managing for the Royals in the minor leagues, and a vacancy opened up for the team’s major league managerial position.

Frank White really wanted that job.

The team offered it to somebody else, and it bothered Frank White … a lot.

The same thing happened three years later.

The team eventually asked him to be a color commentator on team broadcasts, which he did for several years.  He also did community service for them.

Then they reduced his community service salary by 2/3 … and fired him from the broadcast booth the following year.

After all Frank White had meant to the Royals, it hurt.

The Royals and Frank White have been estranged ever since.  He wrote in his recent autobiography, “You’ll never see me in that stadium again.”

But with the Royals going undefeated in the playoffs, and playing in their first World Series in 29 years this evening (against my Giants), White has been back to Kauffman Stadium three times recently.

In fact, the team invited him onto the field to join other members of the Royals Hall of Fame before Game 3 of the Championship Series … but White declined.

It’s one thing to visit the stadium as a fan … and another thing to stand on the field as a valued former player.

Frank White has taken a step toward reconciliation by visiting the stadium.  The team took a step forward by inviting him onto the field.

Personally, I think the team has to make the next move.  They were the ones who reduced his salary and then pushed him out.  They need to offer more than just standing on the field with others.

But if there’s going to be a solution to the estrangement between White and the Royals, it’s the same solution that Jesus recommended to estranged disciples twenty centuries ago:

“Use your words.”

If three-year-olds can go to the green table and work things out with their words, why can’t pastors, staff members, and church boards do the same?

 

 

 

 

 

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Making Accusations Against a Pastor

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged , on October 1, 2014| 3 Comments »

I recently read an article about a pastor who is well-known in his region.

This pastor was accused of unspecified offenses and placed on paid leave … a humiliating experience.

The governing board immediately called in an outside investigator.

The leaders promised that when the investigation was over, they would make a complete disclosure to the congregation.

Two weeks later, the pastor was exonerated.  When he re-entered the pulpit, the congregation gave him a standing ovation.

I was glad that the pastor was cleared of the charges against him.  And I was glad that the church launched an immediate investigation into those charges.

But what the article never stated was what happened to the pastor’s accusers.

If the issue revolved around some kind of possible financial impropriety – say, a questionable expense account purchase – then maybe the accusation came from a church financial officer who was just doing their job.

But if the accusation was made maliciously and recklessly – as is often the case – then what should church leaders do to the accuser?

There are at least three possible options:

First, do nothing. 

The accuser made their charge.  The charge was investigated.  The charge was thrown out.

End of story.

Maybe it’s wisest to let the whole matter die out.

The accuser stays in the church … maintains any leadership position they may have … and the church carries on as before.

But if the accusation was malicious or reckless, then congregational life came to a halt … and the pastor’s career was in jeopardy.

If I were a church leader, I’d be uncomfortable doing nothing to the accuser.

Second, forgive the accuser and move on.

My guess is that most people in that church eventually learned the nature of the accusation … but may never have learned the name of the person who initiated it.

The tendency in Christian churches is to forgive people unilaterally without confronting them in any way.

In this case, the leaders in the church’s inner circle undoubtedly knew who made the accusation against the pastor.

In the future, they might feel uncomfortable in the accuser’s presence, or wonder if he or she might someday accuse them of something ominous.

But in spite of that, most church leaders will just “let things go” and not pursue any kind of justice against a false accuser.

And once the pastor was exonerated, he may not have wanted to press any kind of charges against the accuser as well.

Just forgive and forget, right?

But is this biblical?

Finally, ask the accuser to repent or leave the church.

There are two primary biblical passages that deal with making accusations against another person:

*Deuteronomy 19:15-21 in the Old Testament.

*1 Timothy 5:19-21 in the New Testament, which specifically deals with accusations against elders and pastors.

It’s so serious that Paul writes in 1 Timothy 5:22 that the investigative process should be carried out “in the sight of God and Christ Jesus and the elect angels” and that Timothy is to “keep these instructions without partiality, and to do nothing out of favoritism.”

It’s a grave matter to accuse a spiritual leader of a serious offense.

The Timothy passage has its roots in Deuteronomy 19 where we’re told “a matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

Please note that verses 18 and 19 say that if an accuser “proves to be a liar” after “a thorough investigation” has been done, then “do to him as he intended to do to his brother.”

If the accused was going to be arrested, then arrest his accuser.  If the accused was going to be stoned, then stone the accuser.

Moses concludes, “You must purge the evil from among you.  The rest of the people will hear of this and be afraid and never again will such an evil thing be done among you.”

What’s “the evil?”  What’s “an evil thing?”

It’s making a malicious and false accusation against another person … especially a spiritual leader.

Many churches state in their governing documents that congregational members can sign a petition to make charges against their pastor.  But those same documents state that if the petition signers are unsuccessful in their attempt to oust the pastor, then they either have to relinquish any offices they hold or leave the church.

Why?

Because they’ve tried to lie about their pastor in order to get rid of him.  The purpose of deception is destruction.

If accusers make charges against their pastor, and an investigation is done, and the charges are not true, then the congregation should be informed that the pastor is innocent of the charges made against him.

But the work of the governing board is not complete.  They need to meet with the pastor’s accusers and give them a choice:

“You need to repent of your false accusations before this church body, or you need to leave the church immediately.  What are you going to do?”

 I know someone who has served as an interim pastor in many churches.  After he came to a church, he’d do some investigative work, and if the previous pastor was pushed out, he’d find out who did it.

He’d call that person into his office and hand them a written confession.  Then he’d say to them, “This Sunday, one of us is going to read this confession in front of the congregation.  If you don’t do it, I will.  What are you going to do?”

I don’t know why it is, but too many Christian leaders … maybe most … will carry out a biblical process only so far.

If the pastor is pushed out of office, in their mind, that’s the end of it.  Time to secure an interim, form a search team, and find another pastor.

But because the leaders never address the false accusations made by certain people, the leaders … and the congregation … and the pastor who left … never gain a sense of closure.

And the lies are never “purged” from the congregation, but linger on in the church’s memory and soul.

The biblical process from Deuteronomy and 1 Timothy isn’t about personal retribution but about corporate health.  Christian leaders cannot allow other believers to lie about pastors with impunity.

Sadly, some accusations against pastors are true.  A distinct minority of pastors do things that disqualify them from ministry, and those pastors should be given the opportunity to repent and/or leave their churches as well.

But some professing Christians … for whatever reason … seem to take delight in gossiping about their pastor … and trying to destroy his reputation, ministry, and career.

If our churches continue to do nothing to the false accusers, how will we ever convince the world that Jesus is the truth?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why Do Terminated Pastors and Boards Rarely Reconcile?

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , on September 22, 2014| 3 Comments »

Pastor John came to Calvary Church fifteen years ago.

The ministry went very well.  Unbelievers become believers.  Believers became devoted disciples.  The church built a new worship center and positively impacted its community for Jesus.

Then one day, Pastor John came to a board meeting where the chairman announced, “We’ve decided to make a change.  We want you to resign.  If you sign this agreement, we’ll give you three months of severance pay.  If you don’t sign, you’ll be fired and get nothing.  Your choice.”

Stunned and frightened, Pastor John signed.

Five years later, Pastor John still doesn’t feel right about what happened.

He never heard from the board why they felt he should be removed from office.  While he’s heard rumors, he doesn’t know the truth … and it bothers him … a lot.

On top of that, John’s relationships with each of the board members ended that night.  He never saw or heard from them again.

If the board had told John what he’d done wrong, John could have admitted his errors, asked for forgiveness, and reconciled with every person around that table.

Even now, John would like to reconcile with them, but he senses it’s too late.

Why do terminated pastors and the boards that dismissed them rarely reconcile?

First, many Christians view the pastor-board relationship as an employee-employer relationship.

Let’s say there’s a small business owner named Brad on the board.  Brad hires a young man from the church named Ralph to help him part-time.

But after a few weeks, Brad doesn’t feel that Ralph is working out, so Brad fires him.

When Ralph sees Brad at church, he avoids him because he feels that Brad doesn’t like or respect him.  And after a few months of dodging, Ralph leaves the church.

Brad doesn’t feel the need to chase after Ralph.  He hired him … fired him … and that’s business.

In the same way, many church boards conclude, “We’re not removing our pastor because we don’t like him personally.  We’re removing him because he’s not doing the job.  That’s business.”

But in this case, the pastor believed he was doing the job, and since nobody on the board ever spoke to him about his performance, he has the right to wonder if his dismissal was personal.

And if it was, he wants the opportunity to make things right.

Second, decision-making groups almost never admit they make mistakes.

When church boards make a unanimous decision … even when it’s wrong … they’re going to defend their decision until Jesus returns.

Because if one person admits they were wrong, that makes everybody else on the board wrong as well … and nobody wants to indict their colleagues.

However, I do believe that individual board members may later regret their decision to terminate a pastor … or the way they chose to dismiss him.

A friend once told me that his father – a church board member – voted to terminate his pastor … and that his decision haunted his dad for the rest of his life.

My guess is that there are thousands of current and former board members who regret their decision to force out their pastor … but it’s rare for them to do anything about it.

A megachurch pastor once told me that four staff members tried to force him from office.  When their plot failed, they all resigned.

The pastor didn’t hear from any of those staff members for years.

Then one day … seven years later, as I recall … the pastor received a letter of apology in the mail from one of the staffers.

Sadly, that’s probably the best that can be expected.

Third, the composition of church boards changes all the time.

Steve, Dave, Bill, Ron, and Doug were all members of the board that pushed out Pastor John.

But the following year, Steve and Dave went off the board, and two new members took their place.

The next year, Bill moved away, and someone took his place as well.

So after five years, it’s possible that the board members that dismissed Pastor John either aren’t board members any more, or that they all live in different locales.

Because they’re no longer an entity … even if the Holy Spirit convicted each of them of sin … how could they reconvene to make things right?

They would no longer be authorized to speak for the church … just for themselves.

This wouldn’t prevent Doug, for example, from contacting Pastor John and saying, “I was wrong to remove you from office.  Please forgive me.”

But how could Doug admit that he did wrong without indicting his fellow board members?

When Pastor Guy Greenfield wrote letters to those who tried to destroy his ministry, not one person … including any of the board members … contacted him to apologize for the way they drove him out of their church.  (He recounts this story in his book The Wounded Minister.)  He reached out for reconciliation, but nobody was interested.

This was the case as well for J. R. Briggs in his new book Fail: Finding Hope and Grace in the Midst of Ministry Failure.  When he tried to reconcile with the elders who had hastened his departure two years before, nobody was interested in admitting they had made any errors.  In fact:

Fourth, the positions of many board members harden over time.

In the case of Pastor Briggs, he just wanted to leave and start a new church … and was ordered not to do so by the elders.

(This is absolutely ridiculous.  Once Pastor Briggs had left, he was free in the Lord to start a church anywhere he liked.  The board could have negotiated any concerns they had with Pastor Briggs’ plan instead of forbidding him to plant a church … which he went out and did anyway because once he resigned, those elders no longer had any authority over him.)

In fact, one of the pastors told Pastor Briggs “that leaving the church and starting ours was sinful – and that God would, as a result, continue to limit my small ministry, possibly for decades into the future.  He said my ministry and our church were illegitimate and dishonoring to God.”  (That’s the scarcity theory in action.)

Pastor Briggs hoped that after two years, the position taken by church leaders would have softened.  Instead, their position seems to have hardened.

We all have what’s called “the self-justifying bias.”  This means, “If I say it, it’s right.  If I do it, it’s right.  If I decide it, it’s right.”

But there are objective standards of right and wrong when it comes to pastoral termination found in:

*The New Testament, especially Matthew 18:15-20 and 1 Timothy 5:19-21.

*The church’s governing documents … the constitution and bylaws.

*Federal and state laws as they apply to firing an employee … as well as offenses like slander, libel, and the violation of privacy.

As long as board members continue to remain friendly with one another, the chances are near zero that any of them will ever admit they did anything wrong.

If anybody tries to point out any errors they made, they would simply close ranks and defend the group’s decision to the hilt.

Finally, nobody wants errors long covered up to be exposed.

Someday, I would love to do a research project by interviewing church board members who were involved in terminating their pastor.

My guess is that in most cases, the board violated one, two, or all of the objective standards for termination mentioned above.

If that’s the case, how likely is it that anybody from that board would want to reexamine how they handled the termination process?

They wouldn’t.

Their attitude would be, “That happened a long time ago.  Let’s all move on and let God sort it out.”

Of course, that sentiment wouldn’t work in the business world, but it seems to work wonders in the Christian community.

When an ex-pastor believes that the church board violated him in the way they terminated him, all he can do is forgive the board unilaterally.

Nobody will make any arrangements for reconciliation years later because nobody wants to admit that they did anything wrong … or anything worthy of forgiveness.

It’s all too uncomfortable.

_______________

Jesus and Peter split before the cross, but reconciled after the cross.

Paul and Barnabas split over John Mark, but reconciled later.

Christians sometimes don’t get along and split up.  It’s regrettable, but it happens.

But shouldn’t they at least desire to reconcile … especially if they are Christian leaders?

If Christian leaders refuse to reconcile, what hope is there for reconciliation among Christian workers … divorced Christians … estranged parents/children … and believing friends?

What are your thoughts about this issue?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Can Former Pastors and Church Leaders Ever Reconcile?

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged , , on September 19, 2014| 4 Comments »

I’m reading a new book by J. R. Briggs called Fail: Finding Hope and Grace in the Midst of Ministry Failure and enjoying the author’s insights on matters like shame, loneliness, wounds, and recovery for pastors in church ministry.

The author tells his own story of (perceived) ministry failure, and it’s worth recounting for a moment.

After graduating from a Christian college, J. R. and his wife moved to Colorado Springs – the evangelical Vatican, he calls it – and eventually was hired to pastor a group of young adults at the second largest church in the city.  Not only did J. R. see numerical growth under his leadership … he had also written three books before he turned 28.

Several years later, a senior pastor named Gary from a megachurch in the Philadelphia area asked J. R. if he might have an interest in starting an alternative service for younger adults like he was doing in Colorado Springs.  Pastor Gary told J. R. that he was planning on retiring in a few years and was looking to groom a younger pastor to replace him.

So J. R. and his wife Megan left Colorado and moved to Philadelphia.  J. R.’s ministry in the church of 3,000 members went very well.  He received opportunities to preach on occasion, and did so well that some on the staff called him “Golden Boy.”

But J. R. and his wife came to believe that God did not want him to become the senior pastor of a megachurch.

Several months later, Pastor Gary and the elders engaged in a “messy struggle.”  J. R. writes, “After twenty years of ministry he left, causing confusion, anger and hurt within the congregation.”

J. R. was invited to attend the next elder meeting, and in the process, he told the elders that “I knew that Gary was grooming me to become his successor, but I was not interested in taking the position.”

But the elders claimed they knew nothing about this succession plan … and said that if it were up to church leaders, they never would have hired J. R. at all.

That knowledge pushed J. R. and his wife “over the edge.”  Megan stopped attending services.

Because they didn’t feel they fit with the vision of the church, J. R. felt that God was releasing him to leave and plant a church in the Philadelphia area.  He approached the elders who disagreed and said “that we were not to do this and that it would be sin to pursue church planting in the region.”

J. R. adds, “Accusations, misunderstandings, threats and ultimatums were made, further solidifying and affirming the fact that we could not stay.”  The elders then told J. R. that if he planted a church in the region, they would terminate his employment within the week.

J. R. and his wife still believed that God wanted them to plant a church in the Philadelphia area.

The senior leaders then declared publicly that J. R. was leading a church split even though he just wanted to leave quietly without stealing any sheep.

Two years to the day after he was hired, J. R. and his wife left their church home for good.  J. R. and his wife lost a dream … trust in church leadership … local friends … their home (which they were forced to sell) … his salary … and financial security.

He writes, “My soul was bludgeoned, dumped in the back alley and left in the dark.”

While raising support and assembling a core group, J. R. and his wife received anonymous hate mail from people at his former church for over a year … including non-anonymous letters from one elder’s wife.

_______________

Two years after he left, J. R. believed that he was healthy enough to reach out and try and reconcile with the former leaders of the church.  He wanted to talk through what happened … and the elders accepted his invitation.

J. R. asked if each party could share how they truly felt.  He writes:

“The anger had not been tempered.  One of the pastors told me that leaving the church and starting ours was sinful – and that God would, as a result, continue to limit my small ministry, possibly for decades into the future.  He said my ministry and our church were illegitimate and dishonoring to God.”

_______________

After all the hurt J. R. and his wife had endured in that church, how wise was it for him to call a meeting and attempt reconciliation with that church’s former leaders?

I’m going to address this particular issue in my next blog post, but I’d like to ask you to think about the answer to this one question … maybe this weekend:

Why is it nearly impossible for former pastors and church boards to reconcile either personally or professionally?

Here is that next post:

Why Do Terminated Pastors and Boards Rarely Reconcile?

 

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I Forgive You Anyway

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on April 3, 2014| 1 Comment »

I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness,

Even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore

-Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter

In my book Church Coup, I related the story of Pastor Guy Greenfield who had been forced into early retirement by a small group of antagonists from his church.

As related in his book The Wounded Minister, Greenfield wrote each person who hurt him a lengthy personal letter detailing how he felt about “what they did to me, my ministry, my marriage, my family, my health, and my future.”

Did anyone answer their former pastor?  Not one.  They didn’t want to make things right with him – they wanted him to disappear.

How can a pastor find closure when he can no longer interact with those who have tried to harm him?

The only remedy is unilateral forgiveness.

Let me write a letter to church antagonists and bullies on behalf of those thousands of pastors who have been forced to leave their previous positions prematurely:

__________

Dear Christian Friend,

You didn’t follow Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18:15-17 or Paul’s instructions in 1 Timothy 5:19-21 that deal with confronting a believer/leader who has done offended you.  This made me feel violated … but I forgive you anyway.

You failed to speak to me directly about any of my personal shortcomings or ministry mistakes although you freely discussed them with others.  This wounded me to the core … but I forgive you anyway.

You made false accusations against my character which caused churchgoers to distance themselves from me.  Losing those friendships hurts me to this day … but I forgive you anyway.

You did not provide me with a fair forum where I could answer any charges made against me.  Even a serial killer gets his day in court … but I forgive you anyway.

You ignored the section of the church constitution and bylaws that delineates how to remove a pastor, making up the process as you went along.  In my case, I played by the rules … but I forgive you anyway.

You seemed to have no interest in my restoration, using the tactic of “mobbing” to force me to resign.  Being abused by God’s people stings … but I forgive you anyway.

You didn’t know – and probably didn’t care – that when you forced me to resign, you may have ended my pastoral career.  This causes me unspeakable pain … but I forgive you anyway.

You hurt my family deeply – to the point they’re unsure if they want to attend church anymore – even though they viewed you as their spiritual family.  When they hurt, I hurt … but I forgive you anyway.

You have tried to hurt my reputation – some things you’ve said have been reported back to me – and I cannot understand why.  I committed my life to serving you … but I forgive you anyway.

You probably thought you were doing good by removing me from office, but the way you did it was wrong.  I’m still disappointed that you didn’t follow God’s Word … but I forgive you anyway.

Because I have a lot of forgiving to do, it’s going to take me a while.  Only God can forgive those offenses instantly.

I guess the next time we meet will be in heaven.  I look forward to reconciling with you there.

Sincerely,

Your Former Pastor

__________

I have found that when a forced-out pastor takes his last book down from the shelf … stares for the final time at the worship center … and drives away from the church campus forever … he cannot fathom why professing Christians treated him like he was demonic.  There’s nothing in his theology or experience to explain why he was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced without any kind of process, biblical or otherwise.

But pastors who have been forced out of their congregations can better understand these words of their Master on the cross:

“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.”

Even though they thought they knew what they were doing, we pastors do know what they were doing.

And to each of them we say, “I forgive you anyway.”

 

 

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