The key to preventing conflict in a group – whether it’s your family, your workplace, your neighborhood, or your church – is understanding the role that anxiety plays.
This is what family sytems theory teaches.
In my last post, I mentioned a woman named Ethel who is undergoing overwhelming anxiety in her own life.
Then she comes to church on Sunday … hoping to receive encouragement and comfort … and discovers that the music director has left the church without explanation.
With her anxiety already sky-high, she begins doing what all anxious people do.
She complains … to anyone who will listen.
The church is now in a dangerous place.
There are two kinds of anxiety in a church: acute or chronic.
Acute anxiety is crisis generated. When the giving is falling behind budget, or there’s an influx of new members, or there’s a major shift in lay leadership, acute anxiety appears.
In a healthy congregation, the events causing acute anxiety are acknowledged and addressed so the anxiety is eventually abated. People regain their perspective and are able to control their reactivity.
But chronic anxiety is embedded deep within the church system. It’s a condition that never ends. Even the slightest change in a church triggers reactive behavior.
To obtain relief from this anxiety, chronically anxious members act out their anxiety by making accusations, exaggerating events, and spreading rumors. They’re uncomfortable with the way they feel, and so attempt to displace their anxiety onto others.
Imagine that you’re a member of the church I mentioned above. The music director is no longer on the staff, and Ethel comes to you after the service to complain.
She’s angry with the pastor for not getting along with the music director.
She’s angry with several people on the music team she suspects pushed out the music director.
She’s angry that the music director is gone because she liked both him and his music.
What should you do?
First, let Ethel know that you can’t do anything about her complaints.
Second, encourage her to speak with the pastor or board members and share her concerns with them. In fact, offer to go with her to speak with them if necessary.
Finally, let Ethel know that while she has the right to speak with a leader about this issue, she does not have the right to complain indiscriminately to others in the church.
Because Ethel wants someone to listen to her, validate her feelings, and take away all her anxiety.
But if you agree with her complaints – and throw in a few of your own – you have assumed her anxiety and you are dangerously close to becoming divisive.
It is not divisive to disagree with church leaders mentally.
It is not divisive to disagree with church leaders to their faces.
It is not divisive to disagree with church leaders when talking to a friend or family member.
But it is divisive to pool complaints with others … because people who share gripes are ripe to form an unofficial coalition. And if they can find a leader … or a complainer offers to take on the task … they will start meeting in private.
And then they will put the needs of their group ahead of the church and start making demands.
And then you have division.
Church consultant Peter Steinke writes:
“It is the chronically anxious individuals in the church family who are apt to conduct a ‘search and destroy mission.’ They will not hesitate to impose their wills on others. They make hostages of their gifts, attendance, and participation. They employ their stewardship as brinksmanship. Their ultimate threat is to run away from home – transferring or terminating their membership if an action is not rescinded, a person is not removed, or a demand is not satisfied. These tactics are effective in church families that place a premium on peace and harmony.”
If those who are upset about the departure of the music director would speak with church leaders directly, they might discover the real reason why he left … which might alleviate their anxiety.
But if they don’t engage the leaders, and decide to take matters into their own hands, they’ll just make a mess of things and trigger even more anxiety in their congregation.
If and when those with complaints share their concerns with the church’s leadership, the way the leaders respond is crucial. The key to church health is how the leaders respond whenever anxiety surfaces.
The more threatened the leaders feel, the more the congregation can be disrupted.
The more calmly the leaders manage anxiety, the safer people feel.
According to conflict expert Ronald Richardson, it’s the job of effective leaders to help keep down the anxiety level in the emotional system of the congregation.
And effective leaders do this best by managing their own anxiety.
When my wife and I were first married, we lived behind a church.
One Sunday, we visited that church.
As soon as we walked into the worship center, you could cut the tension with a knife. Seriously.
The pastor stood up and gave announcements for twenty minutes. The church was making changes in their scheduling, and he wanted to explain the changes to the congregation.
Good move.
But he spent so much time explaining that he became defensive. I could sense that his explanation wasn’t working.
It wasn’t long before he was looking for another job.
I don’t know who, if anyone, was the human culprit in that situation. But I do know that unchecked anxiety assumed control of that church. I could feel it … and I was an outsider.
People probably blamed the pastor for things.
He probably blamed some board members and powerbrokers.
But most likely, the leaders allowed anxiety to run amok … and when that happens, chronically anxious individuals either leave the church or try and push out key leaders … usually the pastor.
The lesson is simple:
If you’re a parent, keep the atmosphere in your home calm.
If you’re a boss, make sure and manage the anxiety in your workplace.
If you’re a church leader, do what you can to keep anxiety from spilling out into your congregation.
Because as anxiety goes up in an organization, conflict escalates.
But when anxiety goes down, so does conflict.
What have you witnessed along this line?
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
Anger in the Church
Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged causes of church conflict, church division, Ephesians 4:25-32; handling anger in the church; anger among Christians on April 17, 2015| 2 Comments »
Over the years, I’ve witnessed some pretty volatile moments in the churches I’ve served.
*During my first pastorate, I was teaching on the resurrection of Christ at a midweek study. When I mentioned that Christ’s resurrection couldn’t be scientifically proven, a board member stood up, barked, “Then we’re all wasting our time here,” walked out of the room, and slammed the door hard.
*In my next ministry, I threw some hymnbooks into the dumpster. They were so old that even the Rescue Mission wouldn’t take them. The greatest antagonist I’ve ever had in any church found them (I should have thrown them out at home) and told anyone who would listen that I was throwing out the old hymns and therefore should be tossed on the trash heap myself!
*Years later, in another church, a board member became visibly angry during three separate meetings. He kept promising to accomplish certain tasks, but didn’t get anything done, and when another board member called him on it, he went ballistic.
In addition, I’ve seen a board member stand up and lash out at a woman during a congregational meeting … had staff members adamantly refuse what I asked them to do … been fiercely challenged about my theology seconds after preaching … and on and on and on.
And from what I’ve heard from other pastors, most of the churches I served were mild in the volatility department compared to theirs.
Let’s be honest: Christians don’t handle anger very well.
We know that anger is often sinful and is one of the more overt misbehaviors in Christ’s church … so much so that Paul devoted 8 key verses to anger in Ephesians 4:25-32 … among the greatest words ever written on the subject.
I’m particularly interested in verses 26 and 27:
“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Let me share four thoughts about anger in the church from these verses:
First, every Christian, being human, feels angry at times. We may not like admitting this, and may even try to hide our feelings, but there are times when each of us becomes very upset … even at church … and even with the best of God’s people.
In fact, Paul implies that this is normal behavior.
Just feeling angry isn’t sinful by itself. If we can control how we feel, and express it constructively, our anger can do much good.
But unfortunately, many Christians don’t express their anger very well. They suppress it until it explodes. (I heard one pastor say that there was a psychologist in his congregation who claimed that the pastor had more suppressed anger than anyone he had ever known.) Or they unleash it at the most inopportune times.
Second, it is possible to become angry without sinning. Just because I feel angry doesn’t mean that I have to express that anger verbally. I can choose to distract myself … pause before speaking … walk away … or deal with the source of my anger.
Put another way, I can control my anger rather than letting my anger control me.
Every time God issues a command in Scripture, He is saying to His people, “Not only do I want you to do this, I expect that you will do this. You have the power to choose.”
For years, I became angry every time I was driving and another car came up behind me and tried to force me to change lanes. If he kept pushing me, I’d finally get over, but then I’d yell at him and sometimes even chase him … both stupid, dumb, counterproductive actions.
I told myself, “This happens so often that I have to come up with a plan for dealing with my feelings.” So with God’s help, I did. Here’s what I do now:
If another car demonstrates road rage in my rear view mirror, I get in the next lane … let off the gas … and verbally say to the Lord, “May You send a Highway Patrol officer to arrest that driver.”
Works for me.
If someone at church keeps getting on your nerves, come up with a plan in advance on how you’re going to respond … and if possible, ask a friend or family member if you can be accountable to them for your behavior. Sometimes that plan involves using several different phrases that you can pull out of a hat to defuse the situation … or better yet, just ask the other person a question, such as, “What do you mean by that?”
Worked for Jesus.
Third, resolve any lingering anger that very day. If Christians took to heart Paul’s phrase, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” we’d have far fewer divorces among Christian married couples … and almost no destructive conflicts in churches.
Paul encourages God’s people to resolve that day’s conflicts before sunset … or, in the case of family members, before bedtime.
This summer, my wife and I will be celebrating our fortieth wedding anniversary. Since we both have strong personalities … even though our temperaments are exact opposites … we sometimes cross verbal swords with each other.
It’s okay for us to disagree with each other … to express how we really feel at the time … and even to show a little anger. (I once heard evangelist Luis Palau say that if a husband and wife agree on everything, one of them is retarded.)
What isn’t okay is for us to go to bed angry with each other.
Early in our marriage, there were a lot of nights where we stayed up until midnight trying to iron out our latest disagreement. We were determined to obey this verse and not “let the sun go down” while we were still angry.
My guess is that we’ve only gone to bed angry with each other a handful of times over those forty years, and in every case, we quickly resolved matters the following morning.
This concept is so important that I believe that every successful married couple practices it. It’s unbearable to live in the same house day after day when you’re ticked off at your partner.
But the context in Ephesians 4 isn’t marriage, but the local church … and for some reason, when another Christian wrongs us … or we wrong someone else … we quickly become hurt … even angry … and rather than resolve matters by moving toward the other person, we move away from them, which creates distance.
And then we recite the hurt to others in hopes of seeking allies.
Most of the time, when someone in the church became visibly angry in my presence, I was able to listen … calm the person down … hear what they were upset about … and suggest a way to resolve matters.
But since most Christians believe they shouldn’t become angry … and should never express that anger … they just push their feelings underground, and it surfaces in the form of avoidance … sarcasm … gossip … slander … and even rage. (Paul was cognizant of the phenomenon of unresolved anger, commanding us in verse 31 to “get rid of all bitterness … rage and anger … brawling and slander … with every form of malice.”)
I’ve heard that pastors on the whole are an angry bunch … probably because we have a lot of be angry about. And sadly, I must confess that there have been times in my ministry when I overreacted … said something stupid … failed to restrain my emotions and language … and deeply hurt someone else in the process.
If and when that happens, I need to make things right with the target of my wrath as soon as possible because:
Finally, unresolved anger invites Satan’s influence into a church. Paul says that when believers don’t resolve matters before sunset, we are giving the devil “a foothold” into our life … and into our church family.
In fact, bitterness (mentioned specifically by Paul in verse 31) is probably the leading cause of church conflict … church splits … and pastoral termination.
It’s okay to share with another believer that I am upset about something they said or did … as long as I “speak truthfully” to my neighbor and remember that “we are all members of one body” (verse 25).
In other words, it’s fine to be assertive as long as I’m not aggressive (being assertive + angry) in the process.
But when I’m aggressive instead of assertive … and when I fail to speak directly to the person I’m upset with … and when I involve others in my dispute … then I’m making a situation worse, not better.
And Satan rubs his hands with glee, because now he has an entry point into the congregation: my own bitterness.
But I don’t want the devil to roam free throughout my church family. Instead, I want the Holy Spirit of God to have free rein (verse 30) and I want the devil chased away.
Paul concludes Ephesians 4 with one of the greatest statements in all of Scripture: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Translation: you’ve been angry with God and others on many occasions, haven’t you? And every time you’ve approached the Father and sought forgiveness, He’s forgiven you, correct?
Then when others are upset with you … even when their anger is unjustified … forgive them unilaterally.
And do everything possible to rectify matters with your brothers and sisters so you can reconcile with them … just as the Father reconciled Himself to us through His Son, Jesus Christ.
As I think back over my life and ministry, I find that I’m not upset about the people who came to me and bludgeoned me with their anger. Sometimes these were good people who were hurting in another area of their life and sensed I was a safe person to unload on.
No, I’m much more upset that I said or did something that may have driven someone else away from the Lord or His people … and that, if I did sense their pain, I didn’t resolve matters as soon as possible.
What are your thoughts … and feelings … about anger in the church?
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