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Book Excerpt: Combatting Forced Terminations

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment! on March 2, 2012| 2 Comments »

I’ve been working for more than two years on a book about the unjust ways that many pastors are treated in our day.  The estimate is that 1,300 pastors per month are involuntarily terminated.

I have five small tasks to finish before the book is complete.

Here’s an excerpt:

Why aren’t Christians doing more to combat the forced termination of pastors?

I’m weary of the excuses that Christians use as to why we won’t do more about this issue:

”We need to preserve the autonomy of the local church.”  Of course, but at the very least, we can tell stories, train leaders, expose the template, and teach believers how to deal with pastoral antagonists.  The article “If You Must Terminate a Pastor” on my blog has been viewed hundreds of times (three-and-a-half times more than any other article), an indication that many board members and lay people want help with this topic.

”Pastors must expect to suffer like Jesus.”  We’ve been told we’re going to suffer since seminary, but we had no idea that attacks from fellow Christians could be so vicious.  Besides, Jesus was crucified by religious and political enemies, not by His disciples.  While His men fled when He needed them most, they didn’t drive the nails into His hands.  Jesus was betrayed by only one follower, but pastors are routinely betrayed by staff members, board members, predecessors, and denominational personnel – and sometimes, they work in concert.

”We need to maintain confidentiality about forced exits.”  This is a church wide problem, cutting across all denominations and theologies.  This plea for confidentiality is nothing more than a cover-up for our incompetence in preventing and managing these tragedies – and is exactly what Satan wants.  When professing Christians abuse and batter clergy, and pastors try to talk about it, we rush to hush them up in the name of unity.  But isn’t this the same tactic abusive husbands use with their wives?  What would happen if we still couldn’t talk about that problem?

“Shedding light on this issue is poor marketing for the Christian faith.”  But if we can make progress in alleviating this problem, wouldn’t the image of many churches improve?  Let’s learn our lessons and brainstorm solutions so these conflicts don’t become so destructive.

I’d like to find just a few Christians who are outraged at the way pastors are mistreated today.  In Matthew 23:33-35, Jesus was still outraged at the way God’s leaders had been treated by religious people throughout Jewish history:

“You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?  Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers.  Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town.  And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah son of Berekiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar.”

Jesus stood alone in condemning these past injustices committed against God’s servants.

Where are His descendants today?

What do you think we can do to eradicate this plague on Christ’s churches?

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Conflicted About Church Music Personnel

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment!, tagged , , on January 25, 2012| 1 Comment »

Pretend you’re the pastor of a new church plant.

You have the funds to hire one part-time staff member.

Who would you hire first?

Some might say, “An office manager.”

But right now, the church office is in your home.  I’d hire her second.

Others might say, “A youth pastor.”

But you don’t yet have any youth, and besides, I’d hire the youth person fifth.

How about a children’s director?

I’d hire him or her (probably her) third.

My first choice?

A worship/music director.

Why?  Because people in our day expect good music on a Sunday.  If the music makes people cringe – even if the message is a home run – many people won’t come back, and they’ll encourage their friends not to attend.

But if the music is great, you’ll start attracting people more rapidly.  Great Music + Great Message = Growing Church

If the Sunday service is all you’ve got when you start, make it as good as possible.

But part-time worship directors are not easy to find.

As a pastor, you want a strong believer in that role, someone who professes what they perform.

That rules out the leader of the neighborhood garage band.

You also want someone who is musically competent, who plays and sings skillfully.

That rules out many church volunteers … and most of them will run when there’s a conflict.

You want someone who can recruit musicians and vocalists, or else it’s going to be a one-man/woman show each week.

Because the more gifted the leader, the higher quality people he/she can attract.

You want someone who gets along with people, because musicians and vocalists tend to be perfectionists.

So you can’t hire a Simon Cowell clone for the job.

And you want someone who performs in the style of your target …

which eliminates Dino and George Beverly Shea (much as I appreciate GBS; Dino is another matter).

And you especially want someone who gets along with you as pastor.

Because if the two of you constantly disagree, guess who’s leaving?

But because you’ve hired a part-timer … they may already have a full-time job, and there’s always the danger their job will intrude on the music ministry or they’ll have to move away.

So let’s say that you as pastor have hired this person, and he begins to recruit others onto the team.

What about the spiritual lives of prospective musicians and vocalists?

Can any be unbelievers?  What about someone guilty of immorality?  What if a gifted guitar player isn’t a team player?  What if someone on the team knows about another person’s sordid past?

Your new worship director may be competent musically, but how strong are their leadership skills?

Because if they can’t handle some of the above situations, they’ll revert to you as pastor … and the sparks will start to fly.

The key to everything is the relationship between the pastor and the worship director.

They must get along both personally and professionally.

They must agree on the kinds of people who can sing and play on the team.

They must agree on the predominant style of music for weekend services.

They must clarify these decisions by putting them in writing.

They must learn to trust and support each other in public, even if they’re negotiating in private.

The music director has to handle these kinds of complaints from team members:

“Why does he get to play a guitar solo on his second Sunday when I’ve been in the band for two years?”

“How can you let her sing onstage when she’s obviously a prima donna?”

“How come I can’t sing on the worship team?  My parents say I have a great voice.”

“Why is he allowed to play on Sunday when he missed rehearsal?  I was there!”

Then there are complaints from people in the congregation:

“The music was way too loud last Sunday.  Can’t you turn it down?”

“I tried but couldn’t make out the words to the performance song, so I thought it was a waste of time.”

“Can we sing more hymns?  The worship songs sound all the same.”

“The dress on the young woman who sang last Sunday was inappropriate for church.  You need to talk to her!”

When I was a pastor, I had people tell me at times, “I wouldn’t want your job for anything.”

That’s how I feel about the job of a worship director.  No wonder some people call music the War Department of the Church.

Everybody wants to look good and sound good, but they may not want to be good and do good.

For that reason, let me make three suggestions:

First, pray for your worship/music director(s) by name on a regular basis.

Second, thank them for their ministry when it really rings the bell for you.  (I emailed a worship director from our church last year to thank the band for doing a U2 song, and he wrote back to thank me.  I meant to do it two Sundays ago when the band performed Did You Hear the Mountains Tremble by Delirious?, but forgot.)

Finally, insist that those who criticize the worship director either (a) go to him directly, (b) stop griping, or (c) go somewhere else.

Being responsible for leading worship is a challenging task and not for the faint of heart.

So let’s cherish those who do a great job … and keep working through the inevitable conflicts.

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Conflict Lessons from War Horse

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, Ten Most Viewed Articles on January 18, 2012| Leave a Comment »

There’s an inspiring scene in Steven Spielberg’s new film War Horse that sheds light on the conflicts in our lives.

Joey, the war horse, is trapped in barbed wire in No Man’s Land during World War 1.  An English soldier spots him through the mist and boldly leaves his trench to free him.  Holding up a white flag to declare a temporary ceasefire – with his buddies in the trench calling for his return – the soldier reaches Joey but cannot free him alone.

A German soldier emerges from his fortifications to help Joey as well, and he knows how to remove the barbed wire from Joey’s body.  The German secures wire cutters and both men proceed to liberate this extraordinary horse – while keeping a wary eye on the other.

While the enemies work together to free Joey, they illustrate four lessons we can learn about conflict:

First, view combatants as humans.  After working on Joey, both men share their names with each other.  They aren’t faceless persons stuffied into combat fatigues, but real people with hopes and histories.

When fortified inside their own trenches, soldiers on both sides demonized their opponents as threats to be eradicated.  But when they began to work together, they grasped that their enemies weren’t evil spirits, but normal people like themselves.

Second, move toward each other.  As long as both men remained in their trenches, Joey’s life was in danger.  But when the two soldiers took the risk of standing next to each other, they were able to do together what they couldn’t do alone.

When we’re having a conflict with a spouse or a boss or a pastor, it’s human nature to stay hidden in our own trench so we feel safe.  But when we emerge from our safety and stand near our opponent, we open up the possibility for healing.

Third, speak with your combatant.  While working on Joey, the two men discussed the impact the war was having on them.  They knew that after the ceasefire, they’d start lobbing bombs at each other again.  I sensed that if not for the war, these men would have freed Joey and then shared a meal together.  But at least they talked with each other directly.

If Christians just followed Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15, most conflicts between Christians – and inside churches – would instantly die: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

When in conflict with others, our natural tendency is to move away from them and to tell others about them.  But Jesus says to move toward them and speak to them directly instead.

Finally, people desire peace, not conflict.  During Spielberg’s combat scenes, the soldiers battle their feelings and try to slaughter their opponents, but nobody enjoys war except masochists.  It’s normal to get to know another person.  It’s abnormal to try and kill them.

I’m reminded of Paul’s words in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  When the two soldiers had liberated Joey, they both claimed him as their own, and could have started their own conflict – but they flipped a coin for him instead.

This scene in this film was so moving that I plan to show it when I teach on conflict.

If you haven’t seen War Horse yet, it’s a film of grandeur and sensitivity.  But be forewarned – there are some real tear-jerking moments.

But I will always remember it because of two soldiers from opposing armies who united together to free a horse.

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Happy Valley, Tom Petty, and Reaching Out

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , on January 13, 2012| 2 Comments »

The church my wife and I attend opened last Sunday’s service with a Tom Petty song.

No, we didn’t sing it as a worship song.  The band performed it.

No, it wasn’t “Free Fallin’,” even though that song mentions Jesus.

No, it wasn’t “Southern Accents,” even though the bridge always moves me.  (“There’s a dream I keep having/where my mama comes to me/ and kneels down over by the window/and says a prayer for me.”)

The song was “Runnin’ Down a Dream,” and it was done well, even down to the “woo hoos.”  (The song went along with the theme “Catch the Vision for 2012.”)

With all the great worship songs out there, why would a church start a service with a song by a secular artist?

It all has to do with having an outreach orientation.

I grew up being taught the following evangelism philosophy:

The church gathers for worship weekly.  Then its people scatter back to their homes, neighborhoods, and workplaces to live out and share the gospel with unbelievers.

How well does that philosophy work?

At least in my experience, not very well.  The latest statistics are that only 2% of all Christians share their faith.  Most churches grow because believers leave smaller/unhealthy churches for a megachurch.

But how is that fulfilling Christ’s Great Commission?

I believe that being an outreach-oriented church isn’t about programming but about a mindset.

That’s why I was blown away by the State of the Church report that our pastor, Don Wilson, shared with our church last Sunday.

Let me share 12 things that Christ’s Church of the Valley (CCV) does well that demonstrates its outreach-orientation.  Please forgive me if it sounds like I’m a pitchman for the church.  The church has its flaws, but it does so many things right that it constantly amazes me.

1. Mission: WIN people to Christ, TRAIN believers to become disciples, SEND disciples to impact the world.

The church’s mission is WIN, TRAIN, SEND.

Notice the order: outreach is first, training is second.  Isn’t this the order of the Great Commission in Matthew 28:19-20?  “Make disciples … baptize them … teach them …”

In my experience, if outreach isn’t first, it won’t happen.

Parking Lot Attendant at CCV

2. Vision: Pastor Don doesn’t just want to win the community around the church for Christ.  He wants to win all of Phoenix for Christ because 86% of the people in Arizona don’t attend church.

That’s a huge vision!

The church is located on Happy Valley Road in northwest Phoenix, but people drive long distances to attend the church, coming from as far away as Surprise and Scottsdale.

A few years ago, CCV planted a church in Surprise.  In 2011, that church became CCV Surprise.  While the church in Surprise has a live worship time, Pastor Don’s messages are shown there on video.  In 2012, CCV will expand into Scottsdale.

3. Target: the church targets men.

If a church targets children, the whole family will come to church 7% of the time.

If a church targets mothers, 18% of the time.

If a church targets fathers, 93% of the time.

This may explain why there are TV monitors in the refreshment areas featuring sporting events every Sunday.  Last year, I watched an NFL playoff game at church while enjoying a hamburger lunch.  There was no reason to hurry home.

The church also offers competitive sports leagues on its campus, including an upcoming tackle football league.

Play Area for Kids at CCV

4. Strategy: the church encourages people to invite their friends, family members, and co-workers.

9% of the people who attend CCV came because they drove by.

9% found the church online.

11% saw the CCV bumper sticker on someone’s car.  (You see them everywhere in Phoenix.)

68% attend because they were invited by someone who already attends the church.

For churchgoers to invite others, their church has to offer people answers and experiences they cannot find anywhere else.

If I’m excited about my church, I will invite others.

Guests I Invited - They Each Get a Free Meal

5. Statistics: I do not believe any church can be measured merely by statistics, but they do tell a story.

Pastor Don said that the church aims to grow in 3 areas by 10% each year.

2010 worship attendance: 15,377 per week

2011 worship attendance: 17,855 per week

CCV Worship Center

2010 baptisms: 1,175

2011 baptisms: 1,539

2010 neighborhood group attendance: 5,711

2011 neighborhood group attendance: 8,158

6. Example: Pastor Don made a point of telling the church that he attends a neighborhood group, he invited neighbors to church, and he and his wife pledged to increase their giving for 2012.

Whenever a pastor challenges believers to do something, those people are wondering, “Are you doing what you’re asking us to do?”  Most people won’t know about a pastor’s involvement unless he shares it himself.

7. Training: CCV has four ways of training people: Starting Point (a once-a-month class orientation class); Foundations (where the church’s beliefs are presented); Neighborhood Groups (which are designed for both spiritual growth and outreach); and T-Groups (the “T” standing for Transformation, groups of 3 people who help each other grow spiritually).

Information Area, Normally Packed at Weekend Services

8. Missions: the church goes on short-term mission trips to places like Kenya, China, and Ireland, where they’re planting a church this year.  Pastor Don also travels to Africa several times a year to train pastors.  The church’s missions’ budget is $2.3 million annually.

Kenya? Did Someone Mention Kenya?

9. Compassion: the church assisted 1,400 families financially in 2011; provides free funerals (including the one for Harmon Killebrew); and has a team of people who assist widows.

Baseball Hall of Famer Frank Robinson after Harmon Killebrew's Funeral at CCV

My wife fell in the parking lot one Sunday morning, and within a couple minutes, a woman in a golf cart picked us up and drove us to the lobby entrance.  We were blown away by the culture of service.

10. Elders: the church has 9 elders, including a friend of ours we highly respect.

3 elders are selected every year.  Their names and brief biographies are placed in the program at the end of each year.  If you think there’s a reason they shouldn’t be an elder, you’re to write down that reason and submit it.

The elders are responsible for the church’s doctrinal purity and financial integrity, as well as praying for the sick and for the pastor before he preaches.

11. Impact: Toward the end of last week’s message, Pastor Don announced that CCV is now the 10th largest church in America, and one of the fastest growing.

And the church will celebrate its 30th anniversary this April.

Line for Christmas Eve Service at CCV

By the way, Pastor Don doesn’t compromise the gospel or any biblical commandments.  He hits the hard issues head-on.

12. Conflict: The more outreach-oriented a church truly is, the less conflict they have.  The more inreach-oriented a church is, the more conflict they have.

It’s possible that I may be leaving Phoenix soon.  If so, the Lord may have wanted me here in part to learn from a church like CCV.

I am not suggesting that your church should become like CCV.  Far from it!  But we can all learn something from other churches, especially those that are effectively winning people to Christ.

May the Lord richly bless you and your church in 2012!

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Confronting Your Pastor

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, Ten Most Viewed Articles, tagged , , on January 4, 2012| 3 Comments »

*True or false: pastors are infallible.

That’s false.  I grew up in a pastor’s home, married a pastor’s daughter, and became a pastor myself, so I know better than most that pastors are sinners saved by God’s grace, just like every other believer.

*True or false: pastors need other believers to help them grow.

That’s true.  No matter how close a pastor is to God, he is still an imperfect being, and will be until he becomes like Jesus in the next life.  Pastors need mentors and friends and family just like anybody else.

*True or false: pastors sometimes need to be confronted about an issue in their life.

That’s true.  We all have our blind spots, pastors included.  Pastors can be lazy, or bitter, or insensitive, or arrogant – just like non-clergy.  If someone who loves a pastor confronts him about a possible sin, and that pastor changes, then he will grow more quickly to become like Christ.

*True or false: a pastor’s wife is the only person qualified to confront him.

That’s false.  While she may be in the best position to do so – living with him all week long – she may become so accustomed to his faults that she’s learned to overlook them.  Because my own wife has been so positive toward me and my ministry over the years, when she has taken the risk of confronting me, I know she’s usually right.

However, a pastor has interactions with many people when his spouse isn’t around, such as staff members, board members, counselees, ministry leaders, and people in the community.  A pastor’s wife can’t possibly witness all of his relationships.

*True or false: God may choose to use you to confront your pastor about an issue.

That’s true.  He may use you.

Imagine that some men from your church invite you to play basketball, and your pastor comes along.  You’re excited because you’ll have a chance to see who he really is away from the church.

But it doesn’t take long to discover that your pastor is extremely competitive.  He travels with the ball but won’t admit it, fouls other players without owning up to it, and throws in a few profane words at inopportune times.  And besides, every time his team scores, he engages in trash talk.

You’re hurt, disappointed, and even a bit angry.  What, if anything, should you do about it?

Your options:

You can let it go and treat his behavior as an anomaly.

You can ask other players what they thought about the pastor’s behavior.

You can go home and pray for your pastor.

You can write a letter to the church board and tell them how he misbehaved.

You can throw the ball at the pastor, or give him an elbow on the next rebound, or …

You can talk to the pastor yourself.

I recently saw the film We Bought a Zoo starring Matt Damon.  (Great film, by the way.)  In the film, Damon’s character has a talk with his son and refers to the importance of “twenty seconds of insane courage.”

In other words, if you have something important to say to someone, but you’re afraid, you only need “twenty seconds of insane courage” to say it.

Why should you be the one to say something?

Because you witnessed his behavior … which is why you can’t pass this assignment off on someone who didn’t experience it.

Some tips:

*Talk to him directly.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you [and your pastor is your brother, too], go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”

Instead of pronouncing judgment upon him (“May God strike you dead for using foul language!”), ask him a question, like:

“Why do you use those words out here but not in the pulpit?”

“Why can’t you admit that you’re guilty of fouls like the rest of us?”

Even if the pastor is in a competitive zone and brushes you off initially, if he’s truly a man of God, he’ll eventually grapple with your questions.

I have a theory: in the majority of cases where a pastor is involuntarily terminated, those who are angry with him (staff members, the church board, others in the congregation) have never shared their concerns with him directly.  They tell everybody except the pastor … a clear violation of Jesus’ words.

*Talk to him privately.  Nobody likes to lose face by being reprimanded in public, including pastors.  Jesus says to “go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”

If you’ve trained yourself to confront other believers, then you could wait until after the game and ask the pastor if you could speak with him for a moment.  During those “twenty seconds of courage,” let him know that you love him but that his behavior stepped over a line.  Next:

*Talk to him lovingly.  Jesus says, “If he listens to you …”

Let me be honest here.  Many pastors are not good listeners.  They love to hear themselves talk but aren’t quite as generous when others are speaking.  You need to use a tone that compels your pastor to hear you.  I’d opt for a gentle tone (not a judgmental one) as mentioned in Galatians 6:1.  Finally:

*Talk to him redemptively.  What’s the aim of any confrontation?  Jesus encourages us to win our brother over.

We’re not trying to harm our pastor, but restore him.  He’s temporarily become fragmented.  We’re trying to help him become whole again.

Let me end today’s article with a quote from Ken Sande in his book The Peacemaker:

“Your responsibility to go to someone who is caught in sin does not vanish just because that person is in a position of authority over you (e.g., an employer or a church elder).  Since these people are as human as you are, they will also sin and need correction (see 1 Tim. 5:19-20).  Of course, you may need to exercise special care in choosing your words when you talk with such a person.  Speak in a respectful manner, and do all you can to affirm your regard for that person’s authority.  In doing so, you may not only encourage needed changes, but also increase that person’s respect for you.”

Next time, I’ll discuss various ways that pastors respond when someone confronts them.

Have you ever confronted your pastor about an issue?  If so, how did it turn out?

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Confronting People Wisely

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged on December 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Years ago, a friend asked me to breakfast.  I had no idea what his agenda was.

Since we served together at church, I assumed we’d be discussing the ministry.

But he wanted to discuss something else: the way I’d been acting recently.

My friend told me that my attitude was alienating other church leaders.  Up to that point, I was unaware there was a problem.

He let me know lovingly but firmly that my attitude needed to change … and he gave me a letter reiterating his points, just in case I didn’t hear him accurately.  (I still have the letter.)

I have always been grateful for my friend’s actions because he confronted me in the precise way that Scripture commands.

Let’s assume that someone in your circle of influence has been displaying harmful attitudes or practicing destructive activity – and it’s negatively affecting your relationship with him or her.

My favorite verse to use during such times is Galatians 6:1-2: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

How can you confront your friend wisely?  Let me quickly suggest five ways:

First, prepare your heart spiritually.  Galatians 6:1 says that only “you who are spiritual” should be involved in confronting others of sin.  Those who are reluctant to be involved are the most qualified, while those who are eager to confront others should leave the job to someone else.

Before you take any further steps, pray for the person, their situation, and your role in any confrontation.  Ask the Holy Spirit to let you know if you’re the right person to speak with your friend – and it will require divine courage.

Second, ask to meet with them in person.  Do your best not to confront someone via email or texting or the telephone if it’s a personal matter.  (Work-related issues may occasionally require using those means, though they’re not optimal.)

Instead, set up an appointment … but avoid telling them why you want to meet with them.  If you do, your friend may insist you reveal your agenda immediately – or they may choose not to meet with you at all.

Some people prefer a public place, like a restaurant, because it minimizes the chance that one party will make a scene.  On the other hand, if you need strict confidentiality, you may want to choose a more private location.

Third, express your love for the person … lovingly.  Let them know that you value them as a friend, that you’ve had some great times together, and that you hope your friendship will continue for years.  Help your friend feel safe and secure in your presence.  Author and professor David Augsburger calls this care-fronting.

Most of us only make lasting changes in life in the context of unconditional love.

When you meet your friend, they’ll see the concern on your face, which can’t be done through email or phone conversations.

Fourth, share your concerns gently and humbly.  Referring back to Galatians 6:1 above, sharing gently means you don’t scream, or use sarcasm, or convey a preachy tone.  Instead, you speak softly and slowly, even in measured tones.  In tennis terms, lob the ball over the net so they can easily hit it back.

And when you share humbly, realize that (a) you may have been guilty of the same sin in the past, (b) you are currently guilty of sins that your friend has never mentioned to you, and (c) you may be guilty of the identical sin you’re discussing with your friend in the future.

It’s possible that someday, you and your friend will reverse roles … so ban all self-righteousness from your life!

Finally, specify the behavior that concerns you, finishing with a question.  Examples:

“I love you, brother, but I’ve seen you inappropriately touching some women recently.  Am I seeing things accurately?”

“I’ve heard you criticize our pastor behind his back recently.  Are you aware of this?”

“You’ve missed four church services in a row.  Is life going okay for you?”

“I read something on your Facebook page recently that alarmed me.  May I tell you what it is?”

When you ask a question, you’re inviting a dialogue.  You’re not a prosecuting attorney, but a friend.  If your friend doesn’t agree with what you’re saying, you may have to share some examples of their misbehavior.

However, since you may be wrong either in your observations or your conclusion, stay humble!

In my second youth pastorate, my pastor confronted me about a financial issue.  He warned me, “Never borrow money from a church.”  I asked him what he was referring to, and he told me that he heard that the governing board had given me $107 to fix my car.  (I had been driving the youth kids all over creation – without a mileage allowance – so the board chose to pay my expenses without informing the pastor.)

I assured the pastor that the $107 was a gift, not a loan.  If I had to do it again, I’d thank him for his concern but encourage him to check out the story with a board member.

The aim of a confrontation is never shame, or guilt, but always restoration.  Jesus talks about “winning” your brother in Matthew 18:15-16.  You’ve noticed that your friend has become stuck in life, and in the words of Galatians 6:2, you want to help carry his or her burdens.

Will a confrontation like this work?  I once read where Charles Swindoll said it works about half the time.  Confronting someone is admittedly risky because you can end a relationship forever.

But on the other hand, confronting someone can also strengthen your bond with them.

How did things turn out when my friend confronted me many years ago?

We became even better friends … lifelong friends … and we enjoyed a three-hour lunch yesterday!

What additional ideas do you have for confronting people?

_____

Happy 2012 to all of my readers!  I’m nine views short of 11,000, so thank you for reading.  I never dreamed I’d have that many.  Some blogs receive thousands of views every day, and that would be nice … but I’m content with anyone who is helped by my articles.

If you want to suggest a topic, you can email me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org

Meet you here next year!

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Forgiving Offenders … Jesus’ Way

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories, Please Comment! on December 28, 2011| 3 Comments »

His words still reverberate in my ears.

25 years ago, I served as pastor of a small church in Silicon Valley.

People attend small churches for various reasons.  Near the top of the list is significance.

Many churchgoers want to have a say in decision-making, so leaders schedule lots of “business meetings.”

We had such a meeting one Sunday night after the evening service.

A woman made a statement in the meeting.  While I cannot recall her precise wording, she mentioned something positive about her Bible teacher, who was also a board member.

The board member interpreted her comment in a negative manner.  He quickly yelled out a response in front of the entire church, mentioning her indirectly.

The meeting was spinning out of control – and the moderator stood there in silence.

A few days after the meeting, I contacted the shouting board member and told him that he needed to apologize to the entire congregation for his behavior.

(If you sin in the presence of one person, you need to apologize to that one person.  Sin in front of a group, apologize to that group.  Sin in front of the congregation, apologize to the congregation.)

It took courage for me to speak with him.

He was twice my age.

He had been a pastor and a missionary in the past.

He was an intimidating individual.

He had vented his wrath on me at times, too.

But he had crossed a line, and he needed to acknowledge his mistake in front of his church family.

Sometimes we had guests on Sunday mornings, so that wasn’t the optimal time for his apology.

I invited him instead to make his apology during our next Sunday evening service when only our church family was present.

It was a so-so apology – maybe good for him, although not as sincere as I would have liked.

If the board member hadn’t apologized, I would have asked him to step down from the board.  Yes, leaders mess up, just like everyone else, but when we do, we need to make things right by admiting our sins and requesting forgiveness – especially when we sin in a public setting.

In this case, we forgave him, and that was that.

If this incident happened in your church, how would it have been handled?

Some Christians prefer to deny that anything happened.

Others excuse such misbehavior.

A few believers choose to avoid the sinner in the future.

Some decide to ostracize the offender instead.

And some believers quickly forgive the person without waiting for any type of confession on the offender’s part.

The church as a whole tends to ignore Jesus’ instructions in Luke 17:3-4:

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

Notice the sequence: Your brother sins.  You rebuke him.  He repents.  You forgive him.

But we tend to ignore the rebuking and the repenting steps.  It’s too much work … and, truth be told, we often lack the courage to rebuke anyone … even our kids or friends.

So when our brother sins, we take a shortcut.  We instantly forgive him … but we really choose to overlook his sin instead.

That doesn’t help him at all.  He’s more susceptible to repeating his behavior.

And some people will choose to tiptoe around the offender from then on.

In the process, we teach our church that when you sin, nothing happens.

I seek to practice these words of Jesus in my own life and ministry.

They deal with sin realistically.

They heal relationships.

They provide true reconciliation.

This week, when a Christian brother or sister sins, gently rebuke him or her so they will repent.  In essence, Jesus says, “No repentance, no forgiveness.”  (Re-read the second half of verse 4 above.)

And when they repent, let them know you forgive them.

That’s Jesus’ way.

If Christians obeyed Luke 17:3-4, we’d have far less conflict and broken relationships in our churches.

And that’s the biblical way of dealing with sinning Christians.

So why don’t we do it?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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Who Introduced You to Your Favorites?

Posted in Personal Stories, Please Comment! on November 16, 2011| 4 Comments »

I have a little Thanksgiving project for you.

Think about all the people and things in life that you love the most: your spouse, friends, TV shows, books – you get the idea.

How were you first introduced to them?

While driving across the desert several days ago, it struck me how indebted I am to others for most of “my favorite things.”

For example, I am grateful to:

*my father for introducing me to Jesus, baseball cards, the Three Stooges, Christian books, the Dodgers and Lakers, and teaching me how to play sports.

*my mother for encouraging me to use the library, love Charlie Brown, enjoy The Good Twins – and for letting me stay home from Sunday night church to watch The Wizard of Oz.

*my brother John for making me a better player by playing baseball (with a tennis ball) in the backyard for years.

*my friend Lee who introduced me to comic books (at an early age), encyclopedias, and serious chess.  (We played 98 games one summer.  I won 49, he won 46, with three stalemates.)

*my grandmother, who gave an 8-year-old boy his first transistor radio, allowing him to hear Surfin’ USA and Puff the Magic Dragon for the first time.

*my friend Steve for deepening my love for sports, and whose burning desire to compete – making me a better player – resulted in our winning the “Top Jock” awards our senior year in high school.

*Mr. Remmel, my teacher in fifth and sixth grades, for introducing me to the soundtracks of The Music Man, West Side Story, and My Fair Lady, along with Peter, Paul, and Mary.

*my friend Ken for teaching me to play table tennis in his backyard and for inviting me to his church, where I later met my wife.

*my friends Kevin and Steve, who introduced me to baseball autographs when they acquired the signatures of Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford at the Grand Hotel in Anaheim in the spring of 1967.  (Several of us duplicated their experience – and their results – the following day.)

*my friend Dennis, who introduced me to the original Hawaii Five-O and playing one-on-one in the driveway.

*my friend Edmon who introduced me to The Beatles (on a camping trip) and Simon & Garfunkel (while playing chess at his house).

*my youth pastors John and Darryl, who introduced me to a serious study of Scripture while patiently answering my questions.

*my friend Dave, who introduced me to Bob Dylan, Johnny Carson, Breakfast Jacks, and humor in the sacred halls of our seminary.

*my father-in-law Earl, who introduced me to the wonders of acquiring a scholarly library – and allowed me to pursue his alluring daughter.

*my friend Tom, who showed me the latest Christian books and records at the Bible bookstore he ran, invited me to meet John Wooden, took me to see Star Wars, and introduced me to backpacking (in Glacier National Park).

*my son Ryan, who encouraged me to master Super Mario Brothers 3, Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Simpsons, Seinfeld, the Gin Blossoms, and the wonders of the Android.

*my wise and witty daughter Sarah, who introduced me to Napoleon Dynamite, the singalong versions of The Sound of Music and Les Miserables (she knows all the words), What About Bob?, The Office (on Christmas Day) and the importance of family heritage.

*my wife Kim, who showed me how to think big, go to plays and movies, travel overseas – and gave me a book on U2 (Walk On by Steve Stockman) that made me a lifelong fan.

*my friend Craig, who introduced me to Christian artists like Kim Hill, Susan Ashton, Iona, Margaret Becker, and Steven Curtis Chapman.

*my friends Russ and Ray, who showed me that a pastor and a former board chairman can be friends for life.

*Rick Steves, who introduced me to budgetary travel in Europe, thus broadening my thinking about the world – and causing me to constantly daydream.

*Dr. Archibald Hart, who introduced me to a wise integration of Scripture and psychology – as well as Mr. Bean.

*my friend Kimberley, who loaned me a DVD copy of Midsomer Murders, a British mystery show that allows my mind to travel back to England periodically.

I stumbled upon many other favorites myself, I guess, including the San Francisco Giants and 49ers, Van Morrison, the iPod and iTunes, Bach, Sherlock Holmes, 24, London, and Mozart, to name just a few.

How much poorer would my life be without all the wonderful people I’ve mentioned?  I thank God for each and every one of them.  Their willingness to share their passions and experiences with me have largely made me the person I am today.

It didn’t take long to compile this list.  How about compiling one of your own?

If you send it to me, I promise to read it.

Happy Thanksgiving 2011!

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Bidding Farewell to Literary Friends

Posted in Personal Stories, Please Comment! on October 28, 2011| 4 Comments »

Can you remember the day when you first met a good friend?

I recall so many of those days.  Great memories!

But can you also remember the last time you ever saw those friends?  How it hurt to say goodbye?  How you weren’t sure you’d ever see them again?

I’m about to experience that feeling multiplied many times over.

Because for 40 years, books have been my friends.

My wife and I have been reviewing every possession we own to see if we want to (a) keep it, (b) sell it, (c) trash it, or (d) give it away.  I applied for an exemption for my books, but it was denied.

When we moved into our current home, I carefully went through every book I owned, placing the ones I value most on the bookshelves in my study.  Here’s a photo of 60% of them:

Books I'm Keeping

I have so many books that I buy very few anymore, although I do let myself be seduced on occasion.  If I can purchase a volume on Kindle for a lesser rate than a hard copy, I’ll do that.  There just isn’t space anymore for all my friends.

And they are my friends.  I can tell you when I first met most of them.

Some I inherited from my grandfather or father.

Some were purchased for me by my mother or wife or children.

Some were obtained through CBD – Christian Book Discounters, the mail-order group.

Some were bought at bookstores, although those are becoming increasingly extinct.

Some were given to me as gifts by people I treasure – and in most cases, I’m saving those, even if I never plan on using them again.

And some were purchased on Amazon, the website that has curtailed my bookstore visits by 78%.

Many people have asked me, “Jim, have you read all those books?”  My answer is always the same: “No, I’ve read many of them, but I’ve used all of them.”

Some books are signed by people like Nolan Ryan, Rod Carew, John Wooden, Barry Goldwater, Robert Novak, Josh McDowell,  and R. A. Torrey.  Those are definitely keepers.

But other books are dated.  I have a set of small paperbacks from 30 years ago on how to do church ministry.  I devoured those books at the time, but they’re practically worthless today – so maybe someone else can use them.

Then there are sets I acquired when I was in college, like William Hendriksen’s commentaries on the New Testament.  I read his entire commentary on Mark and used all the others, but I haven’t consulted them in years – so off they go.

I found a large bookstore not too far away that buys book collections.  They even come to your house to make you an offer.  How much do you think I can get for 17 boxes’ worth?

Departing Friends

There’s just something about books that I love: the typeset, the layout, sometimes even the smell … it’s all so inviting.

My friends have never rejected me, though they play hide’n’seek at times.  They’re just always there when I need them.

After looking at every one of my companions, I’ve decided to keep the rest of the books in these boxes:

Friends I'm Keeping - for Now

I promised my wife that I’d only keep enough books to fill one more bookshelf.  I get six shelves, she gets two – and one is for DVDs.  So I’m going to have to say goodbye to even more friends in the future.

It’s almost unbearable.

When I’m watching sports … when I’m ready to fall asleep … when I’m meeting with God … when I’m conducting research … when I need some friendly advice … when I just want to curl up on a rainy day … I reach out for a friend.

And my friends have never let me down.

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Why Church Membership?

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! on October 26, 2011| 1 Comment »

Why should anyone officially join a church anymore?

For years, I had a ready answer: to commit yourself to a specific group of believers at a specific time and place.

But I’ve changed my tune – and am willing to be shown the light.

I grew up in an era when pastors offered altar calls at the end of every service.  While we sang a hymn, the pastor would invite attendees to walk to the front of the church (“the altar”) which signified they were making a spiritual decision.

Sometimes if you walked forward during the first stanza, you were indicating you desired salvation.  Second stanza?  Baptism.  Third stanza?  Rededication.  Final stanza?  Church membership.

Choreography aside, membership was considered so important that (a) you made your desire for membership public, and (b) it became the culmination of the conversion-baptism-rededication sequence.

In one church, a man named Gary walked forward for salvation on Sunday morning.  He was baptized that night and immediately voted into membership.

We never saw him again.

The practice of “instant membership” is still followed in some churches.  I recently visited a church in my area where two women went forward after the sermon and were quickly voted into membership by the worshipers.  (I didn’t vote.)

Although some would disagree, “instant” membership seems like “cheap” membership to me – and cheap membership feels meaningless.

I know a pastor who leads a church without formal membership.  If someone desires membership, they fill out a card and are told, “Now you’re a member.”

This leads me to ask: where does the whole membership idea come from, anyway?

Does it come from Scripture?  I’ve searched the New Testament and can’t find “official membership” anywhere.  The word “member” is used in passages like Romans 12:4-5; 1 Corinthians 12:24; Ephesians 3:6; 4:25; 5:30 – but it metaphorically compares believers to parts of the body, not joining a local church.

So if the New Testament doesn’t command or emphasize official membership – and it doesn’t – then how essential is it for spiritual growth or serving Jesus?

Once upon a time, churches were divided into members and non-members.  If you weren’t a member, you didn’t feel that you belonged.  Some churches even practiced “closed communion” where only members could take the Lord’s Supper.

When you became a member, you were invited to the front of the worship center on a Sunday morning and given the right hand of fellowship by the pastor – an indication that you were now “official.”

And yes, people back then treated members differently than non-members.

Sadly, this kind of thinking still occurs.  I received a phone call several years ago from a man who was in the hospital and near death’s door.  He asked if I would come and pray for him.  I instantly agreed.  He told me that he’d called another minister in town who asked, “Are you a member of our church?”  When he said he wasn’t, the pastor declined to see him.

To me, that’s wrong.  I don’t see a member/non-member distinction in the New Testament.  If we are to pray for and love our enemies, as Jesus commanded, then certainly we are to do the same for non-members.

In fact, the trend for the past 30 years has been to assimilate unchurched people into church life – loving them unconditionally – so they do receive Christ eventually … whether or not they ever formally join the church.

Every church has non-members who attend regularly, serve willingly, and give generously.  And every church has members who attend sporadically, never serve, and rarely give.

Aren’t those in the first group acting more like members – and are more committed – than those in the second group?

In our haste to quanitfy everything, are we making distinctions that neither Jesus nor His apostles ever made?

What are the advantages of membership to a church?

*Bolster congregational statistics (“We have 300 members.”)

*Expect people to attend, serve, and give consistently

*Can discipline members (especially leaders) and hold them accountable

*Can remove the membership of troublemakers

What are the advantages to a member?

*Get to vote on a handful of issues (usually annually)

*Receive a membership certificate

*Receive a church constitution

*Feel like you really belong

When a person first joins a church, they are showered with attention.  But doesn’t that usually fade over time?

Maybe I’m blind, but it seems to me that membership confers few benefits but requires enormous responsibilities.  In fact, the church receives 90% of the benefits without offering much that is unique.

For example, in Ken Sande’s book The Peacemaker, he assumes that Christians in a local church will become members.  Why?  So that church leaders have leverage (“accountability”) when dealing with uncooperative individuals.

So does membership have an inherently strong control component built in?

I haven’t heard one word about membership at the church we’ve been attending the past 16 months.  The church is about three words: WIN, TRAIN, SEND.  More than 1,400 people have come to Christ already this year.

They’re much more missional than institutional.

In fact, I’ve observed that the more missional a church is, the less they emphasize membership, but the more institutional they are, the more they emphasize it.

In other words, if we can’t convert unbelievers into believers, then at least we can convert believers into members.

While I believe that church membership can be meaningful, we need to create a better rationale for the practice than “we’ve always done it that way” or “it means something to me” or “it signifies loyalty to my church.”

When I join Costco, I receive lots of benefits, like bulk packaging, cheap lunches, free samples, and great discounts.  I willingly pay my dues every June for those privileges.

But what do I get for joining a church that I don’t get if I don’t join?

I can still join in worship, hear sermons, sample refreshments, attend classes, join a small group, use my spiritual gifts, ask for prayer … and so much more.

Want to straighten me out?

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