Restoring Kingdom Builders

Last time, I presented four ways you can share feedback with your pastor:

*Speak only for yourself.

*Speak to him directly.

*Speak to him wisely.

*Speak to him positively.

Let me add three more ways:

Fifth, speak to him sensitively.  Learn his schedule and share your feedback at a time when he can receive it.

If you have something positive to say, you can share that pratically anytime.  If you have negative input, try and avoid sharing that on a Sunday.

The pastor needs to be “up” on Sunday, not only to preach, but also to meet people.  The pastor has been focusing on those few hours on Sunday morning all week long, and if you want to derail his ministry temporarily, then throw some criticism his way.  It may wound him enough that it impacts his ability to help others that day.

I don’t know how other pastors are on a Sunday, but I tried to be sensitive to God’s Spirit.  If God was going to use my ministry, I needed to be right with Him and right with others.  Although I always welcomed constructive suggestions, there were times when people meant well but said things that discouraged me.

One Sunday, a couple pastors visited our church in Santa Clara because they planned on starting an outreach-oriented church in a nearby community.  After the service, I greeted both of them.  One of the pastors was kind in his remarks, but the other one made derogatory comments about the service.  I had never met him before, and didn’t think he had earned the right to offer an instant critique.  His comment was all I could think about for days, and it deflated me.

A pastor friend once did some research on the best day to share criticism with a pastor.  Sunday was the worst day.  Tuesday was the best day.  Why Tuesday?  Probably because the pastor has worked through his emotions about the previous Sunday and is looking forward to the following Sunday with optimism.

So if you have any comments about today’s article, save them for Tuesday!

Sixth, ask questions rather than state opinions.  As a child, I didn’t enjoy taking communion.  The atmosphere was funereal.  The organ played softly while people bowed their head in reflection.  Didn’t Jesus tell His disciples, “Do this in remembrance of your sin?”

No, He said, “Do this in remembrance of Me.”  When I think of my sin, I’m somber.  When I think of my Savior, I’m grateful, joyful, and excited.  So during communion, I sometimes invited the congregation to focus on Jesus by singing.

While many people enjoyed this experience, some did not – and made it very clear to me.

One man expressed his displeasure to me about singing during communion three times on his response card.  After the third time, I sent him a letter telling him why I did it that way.  He promised he’d never complain again.

Which would have been more effective?

“I don’t like the way you do communion … I grew up in churches that did it another way … it should be a solemn time … I’m not used to it …”

or

“Why do we sing during communion?”

If you ask a pastor a question about a church issue, you make him the authority (which he probably is), and you can decide whether you like his answer and respond accordingly.  When you state your opinion like you’re the authority, you’re just setting yourself up for an argument.  There is a time and place to state your opinion, but before sharing it with the pastor, you might find out why he does what he does first.

Finally, avoid making threats.  Like most pastors, there are people who have said to me, “If you don’t start doing this or stop doing that, I’m going to leave the church for good.”

It is never wise to say that to a pastor.

Most pastors will think to themselves, “Fine.  Then leave.  If you’re going to threaten me, then we don’t need you around here.  Go mess up someone else’s church.”

I always figured that if someone threatened to leave the church, they were as good as gone anyway.  Most people have more sense than to say that.

The truth is that I usually welcomed feedback from people.  There were times when I wanted to do something in the church but either the staff or the board didn’t agree with me.  If some people came to me unsolicited and said, “Pastor, we need to fix and repaint that wall” or “We need to start a ministry for singles,” then I could share that complaint/suggestion with the appropriate group so they would know others felt the same way.

When you share feedback with a pastor, give him time to respond to you.  Sometimes people came to me with an idea and they wanted an instant answer from me, but I usually had to think and pray about it, as well as consult other leaders.

Feel free to share a time when you shared feedback with your pastor.  How did it go?

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Have you ever wanted to tell a pastor what you really think about his ministry?

Pastors are gifts from the risen Christ to His church.  They are called by God to ministry, trained in Bible schools and seminaries, and devoted to advancing Jesus’ kingdom.  They work long and unpredictable hours, are sometimes poorly compensated, and endure nitpicky complaints.

When I first became a pastor, I didn’t appreciate the feedback some people gave me.  One Sunday, a woman shook my hand at the back door after the service and asked, “You’re not growing a beard, are you?”  I should have said, “Yes, I am, because I want to be like Jesus in every way possible.”  Instead, I replied, “Kathleen, you’re not being a Pharisee, are you?”

Over three-and-a-half decades of church ministry, I’ve learned a few things about giving and receiving feedback.  Let me share seven ways to give your pastor feedback so he can receive it:

First, speak only for yourself.  One Sunday years ago, five minutes before the service started, I went to use the men’s room, and Jim, the song leader, followed me.  As we were doing what men do, Jim told me that he and many others didn’t like the way we did communion the previous Sunday.  I asked Jim how many others didn’t like it, and he replied, “Five.”  I then asked who they were, and he refused to tell me.

In other words, Jim and four anonymous individuals didn’t like the way we did communion.

If Jim wasn’t going to tell me who they were – and I could pretty well guess anyway – then in my mind that was one complaint, not five.

It would have had far more impact on me if all five individuals had spoken with me directly.  That would have showed me they cared.  Maybe Jim originated the complaint and the others all nodded their heads.  Maybe they felt pressured to agree with him.  And maybe they all had different reasons for their views.  I needed to hear those from each individual.

Second, speak to him directly.  I once saw a comparison of the traits that are found in functional and dysfunctional families.  In functional families, people speak directly to those with whom they have an issue.  In dysfunctional families, people expect that others will speak for them.  For example, if I’m upset with my cousin Bill, I share my anger with his wife Betty in hopes that she’ll tell Bill – but I never tell Bill myself.

I have resolved that I will not carry negative messages from one person to another.  If Carla is upset with my neighbor, I refuse to pass that on to my neighbor.  Instead, I encourage Carla to tell my neighbor herself.

The same principle applies with a pastor.  Please don’t tell other people that you’re upset with him because it puts them in an awkward position.  It’s your issue, not theirs.  By complaining to others, you may be trying to gain allies in hopes that someone will pass on your feelings.  Resolve to either speak with him directly or remain silent and talk to God instead.

Third, speak to him wisely.  When I was a pastor, people gave me feedback in a variety of ways:

*A note on a response card

*An email

*A letter via snail mail

*A phone call to my church office or home (I preferred church)

*A quick conversation before or after Sunday services

*An appointment either in my church office or at a restaurant

If it was a relatively small issue, I welcomed a personal conversation or a quick email.  But if it was a serious issue, I preferred an appointment where I could look someone in the face as we talked.

I had lunch a few months ago with a longtime staff member from a megachurch.  This individual handles all the emails that people send to the senior pastor.  Evidently this is a pretty common practice in larger churches.  You’re just not going to reach the senior pastor through writing, so you have to catch him in the patio before and after services – or fight through his secretary to get an appointment.

But in small and medium-sized churches (under 500 in weekly attendance), you should expect the pastor to respond to you within a day or two.  Although many pastors ignore their emails, I made it a practice to reply to every person who wrote me – and I believe most pastors can find a way to do that.

Fourth, speak to him positively.  Most pastors are unsure how effective they are in ministry.  They can discern attendance and giving trends but they’re often uncertain how much they’re helping people.  So if your pastor does something well, tell him!

Years ago, I watched an episode of a TV show that I thought was outstanding.  I was telling my brother-in-law about it, and he asked me, “Have you told the people who produced the show about your feelings?”  I confessed that it hadn’t entered my mind – so I wrote them and thanked them for the show.

Find a way to tell your pastor that he did a great job when you really feel that way.  It won’t give him a “big head” at all.  A sincere compliment will encourage him, lift his self-esteem, reinforce the behavior you liked, and help him to remember your name!

Here’s a little secret: if you tell your pastor what you like about his ministry, he’ll listen better when you tell him about something you don’t like.  You’ll come off as objective rather than as a chronic complainer.

I’ll share a few more ways to give your pastor feedback next time.

What have been your experiences with giving a pastor feedback?

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Have you ever had a teacher from hell that you just wanted to forget?

There was a teacher who taught Russian literature at my high school, and to be kind, she looked like death warmed over.  Maybe that’s why she was so unpleasant, I don’t know.

The first day of class, she told us pupils to write our names in the top-right corner of every homework paper.  Not on the top right line – like every other teacher expected – but in the top-right corner.

I followed tradition, not her novel approach – and was promptly marked down.  I also received the only detention I ever got in school from her, although I can’t remember what I did wrong.  (Call her a Commie?)

And I can’t remember learning anything about Chekhov or Tolstoy or Dostoyevsky, either.

It’s one thing for a public school teacher to impose her personal preferences on her students.  It’s quite another matter for a pastor to do that.

What are some of the signs a pastor is a control freak?

First, control freaks use guilt.  My wife and I recently visited a church where the music leader gave a talk before the offering.  He told the people how much he loved the church but then chided them for not being as committed as he was, exclaiming, “Shame on you!”  Translation: there’s something wrong with you if you’re not as committed as I am.

Then the pastor told us that he’s tired of reading how millions of people are leaving local churches, saying that it made him mad!  Translation: if you ever leave this church, I’m going to get really ticked off at you.

While guilting works with a small segment of the Christian population, it rarely works with most people.  When the Spirit of God convicts us – especially through God’s Word – we feel true guilt.  But when someone is trying to push their personal preferences onto us, most of us see through it.

Leaders – including pastors – must appeal to higher instincts instead.

Second, control freaks use manipulation.  I once saw a televangelist do some fundraising inside an auditorium.  He told the congregation to stand up, so they all stood.  He then said, “Listen to the man of God!”  He told the men to take out their wallets and the women to open their purses – and to donate all their money when the offering plates came around.  He punctuated his appeal by reiterating, “Listen to the man of God!”  (I didn’t see him give anything.)

Thank God I was at home, because if I had been in that auditorium, I might have walked out.

I once ran across the difference between manipulation and motivation.  When a leader manipulates people, he tries to get them to do what is in his best interests.  When a leader motivates people, he tries to get them to do what is in their best interests.

So if a pastor encourages his congregation to donate money to the ministry to inflate his stats or so he can get a raise, he’s manipulating people.  But if he encourages them to give to expand Christ’s kingdom or so they can grow spiritually, he’s motivating them.

Pastors need to monitor their emotions, language, and tone when they speak to make sure they’re engaged in motivation, not manipulation.

Third, control freaks are insensitive.  They are so in tune with their own discomfort that they cannot sense when they are making others uncomfortable.

As a pastor, I ministered to various kinds of people.  Some could barely walk or hear.  Others felt rejected by almost everyone in the culture.  Some had no job or money.  Others kept doubting their salvation.

I tried to listen to each person who came to me with a struggle.  I tried to understand how they were feeling and how I might be able to help them.  Every caring shepherd does this.

But control freaks can’t be bothered.  They don’t see people as individuals but as part of a congregation they need to whip into shape.  Everyone needs to be going in the same direction at the same speed.  If you can’t keep up, they’ll leave you behind.

Years ago, I saw the film Lawrence of Arabia starring Peter O’Toole.  There’s a scene where Lawrence is riding all night with some warriors to attack the coastal city of Aqaba.  When daylight comes, Lawrence notices that one of the horses lacks a rider.  When Lawrence inquires about him, he’s told that the man fell off miles back and should be left to die.

But Lawrence can’t do that.  He reverses field and rides back for hours until he finds the man immobilized on the hot ground.  Lawrence places the man on his horse and rides back toward Aqaba.  When he arrives with the man near dusk, Lawrence becomes the undisputed leader of the invading party.

He cared about every single person.

Control freaks don’t mind losing people along the way.  In fact, they expect it.  “If you can’t get with my program,” they reason, “then I don’t want you around here anyway.”  They only care about those who can help them reach their goals.  Everyone else is dispensible – especially those who require too much attention.

What have you seen along this line?

I’ll write more about control freaks in leadership next time.

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