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How Anxiety Creates Church Conflict, Part 2

May 18, 2012 by Jim Meyer

In Simon and Garfunkel’s second album, Sounds of Silence, Paul Simon sang these lyrics with his partner on their song “Blessed” :

“Blessed is the stained glass, window pane glass,

Blessed is the church service, makes me nervous …”

In my last article, I mentioned that there are many elements during a worship service that can make people feel uncomfortable: the music, the greeting time, the sermon, the pastor’s voice … all kinds of things.

And I used the worship service as an example because it’s the most visible expression of what a church is about.  During the worship time, a church is at its best.  For a pastor, his whole week culminates in what happens during the 75 minutes or so when the congregation gathers together to focus on God.

But before, during, or after that worship experience, the anxiety level in a church can rise significantly.

And when anxiety rises, conflict escalates.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you attend a local church service this Sunday.

During the singing time – without introduction or explanation – a man who has cheated people out of investments sings a vocal selection … and most of the people in the church know his reputation.

How will people feel?  Most who know him will feel upset … angry … ticked off … even violated.  Why?

Because they instinctively believe that only people who are walking with the Lord should stand on that stage.

The anxiety level in that church is going to rise immediately … and people are going to react.

A few might get up and leave the worship center.

Others will write a scathing note to the pastor on their response card.

Still others will write a note to the person next to them (along the lines of “how can they let him sing?”) or whisper a similar statement instead.

After the service, some people will seek out the pastor or the music director to complain.

When the pastor gets home, he’ll receive some phone calls or emails from irate worshipers.

Because when people feel anxious, they react … and complain to others.

For years, I planned Sunday services every week with a team of gifted individuals.

We wanted people to focus on the Lord and the truth of His Word … but we didn’t want people to become complacent, either.

So from time-to-time, we’d take some risks during the service.

Most of the time, the risks worked.

But on occasion, they backfired … and I sometimes regretted what I did.

When I prepared the congregation for the risky element, they usually handled things with grace.

But when I sprung something on them without warning, some people became anxious and consequently reactive.

(I was once cast as Church Lady from SNL in a short drama during a Sunday service … and did a rap about sexual expression in marriage while wearing a dress.  It just so happened that my father-in-law … a pastor, missionary, and professor … chose that Sunday to visit our church.  Talk about anxiety!)

When a pastor springs a change on a congregation without adequate preparation, he is the cause of the anxiety floating through the church … and it’s the job of a leader to keep anxiety under control, not make it worse.

By the same token, though, even the slightest change in a church can send certain people into anxiety orbit.

Let me introduce you a woman named Ethel.

Ethel’s having a tough time in life right now.

Her husband lost his job, so the family is racking up debt.

Not only is her husband depressed, but he’s being tested for heart problems.

Ethel’s oldest son is on drugs, and can’t hold a job, so he’s living with his parents.

And Ethel feels overwhelmed trying to hold the family together.

When she goes to church on Sunday, she wants to know that God loves her, and that He will give her the strength and courage she needs to get through another week.

But when she arrives, she finds out that the worship director is no longer on the staff, and that someone with far less ability is now leading worship.

Because Ethel has been experiencing great anxiety at home, she can’t handle anymore anxiety at church … the one place she thought she could find peace.

So what does Ethel do with her anxiety?

Leave it at home?

Leave it with the Lord?

Leave it with her best friend?

No, Ethel starts complaining … to anyone who will listen.

The church is now in a dangerous place.

Why?

I’ll deal with that in my next article!

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments »

How Anxiety Creates Church Conflict, Part 1

May 16, 2012 by Jim Meyer

I felt very uncomfortable in church last Sunday.

My wife and I are living in a new area and we’ve been looking for a church home.  Last Sunday, we visited a church several miles away that meets in a small converted warehouse.  Our daughter was with us because it was Mother’s Day.

There was much about the church that I liked.

They sang some praise songs I knew.

They acknowledged the mothers in their midst and gave each of them a gift.

They showed a cute video about Mother’s Day.

The pastor’s message was biblical and heartfelt.

But something bothered me … something personal.

When I brought it up to my wife and daughter in the car afterwards, they felt differently.

But I still felt uncomfortable … even anxious.

If I made that church my home, I’d remain anxious about this issue.  I don’t want to feel the way I do, but I do.

And this is how thousands of Christians feel every Sunday … at their home church.

They feel uncomfortable about:

*pews that are too hard

*theatre seats instead of pews

*the way the pastor dresses

*songs they don’t know

*songs they do know but have sang way too many times

*the style of the music

*the worship leader

*music volume

*the greeting time (“I don’t want to shake hands with people I don’t know!”)

*the pastor’s speaking voice (his accent, pitch, rhythm, clarity, volume)

*the pastor’s stories (too many, too few, too irrelevant)

*the pastor’s points (biblical?  relevant?  realistic?  meaningful?)

*the pastor’s body language (does he smile?  stand up straight?  wave his arms?)

When I leave a worship service these days, there are many criteria I can use to determine whether I’ll visit again:

*How much like me are the pastor and congregation?

*How well was the service done?

*How meaningful was the music?

*How wisely was Scripture used?

*Did God meet me there?

But increasingly, I find myself measuring a service by how the worship experience made me feel.

And one dominant question rattles around inside my spirit:

How comfortable did I feel in that service?

The more comfortable I feel, the more likely I am to return for a second visit … and eventually stay.

The more uncomfortable, the more likely I am to cross that church off my list and visit another one the following weekend.

Here’s how all this is relevant:

When most people attend a worship service, they want to feel comfortable there.

While they may be open to being challenged intellectually and spiritually, they wish to feel safe emotionally and socially.

If they visit a church once, and it feels comfortable, they may visit again … and again … and again … until they can predict that they’ll feel safe every time they attend.

And if the rest of their family has a similar experience, they will finally make that church their spiritual home.

But there are two wild cards that can mess things up and lead to conflict.

The first wild card is sudden or drastic change that makes them feel even more uncomfortable.

The second wild card is their own personal anxiety that they bring with them to church.

I will discuss both of these wild cards in my next article.

And I hope you feel comfortable until then!

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Please Comment! | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Characteristics of a Classy Person

May 14, 2012 by Jim Meyer

I meet all too few of them anymore.

Classy people.

What do I mean by “class?”  What are the characteristics of a classy person?

Let me briefly list four:

First, a classy person listens well.

I once knew someone who made it obvious that he wasn’t listening when we talked.  His eyes would continually dart past me.  He made me feel like he would rather be with anyone else than me.

But I’ve also known people who gave me their full attention when we conversed … as if I was the most important person in the world to them at the time.

One time, a former professor of mine – who wrote a classic book – actually took a whole page of notes when I talked to him about an important issue.

That’s class.

James 1:19 describes this kind of class: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry …”

Classy people listen much more than they talk.  They don’t interrupt people, or talk over them, or debate them.

Instead, they really, truly listen to the thoughts of others … and watch their body language as well.

Know anybody like that?

Second, a classy person returns personal messages.

When I was a pastor, if I called someone on the phone, they almost always called me back.  If I emailed them, they nearly always wrote me back.

But since I’ve been out of pastoral ministry, I’ve been disillusioned by how many Christian leaders fail to return calls or emails.

There was a time 15 years ago when I was open to a new ministry.  I heard about a group of people who wanted to start a church in an exciting location.  From what I heard, I would have been perfect for that sitution.

So I called the executive minister of that district to let him know I was interested.  No response.  I called again.  No response.

I was frustrated.

I mentioned my frustration to a pastor friend who told me that this leader was famous for not returning people’s phone calls.

And I wondered, “How did he ever get to be a leader with that kind of track record?”  (Was I supposed to drive hundreds of miles and camp on his doorstep to speak with him?)

I had to let that opportunity pass.

Sometimes churches wonder why they’re not growing.  But about half of all churches fail to have someone answer the telephone when people call.

By contrast, I know Christian leaders who know hundreds of people and yet are very responsive to those who contact them … and if they fail to respond in a timely manner, they apologize.

That’s class.

My rule-of-thumb as a pastor was to answer calls and emails within 24 hours.  I try to observe the same policy today.

And I’ve tried – but not always succeeded – to carry out Paul’s admonitions in Colossians 4:5-6:

“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.  Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer every one.”

Third, a classy person enjoys encouraging others.

Like all pastors, I’ve received my share of critical comments.  Sometimes I deserved a criticism, while at other times, I thought the critic was being vastly unfair.

I once knew a woman who thought the music at our church was too loud.  She continually wrote me notes demanding that I order the volume turned down.

I looked into the matter and solicited opinions from others.  (After all, my ears might not be representative of the church body.) We settled on a decibel level and stuck to it.

But whenever I saw her coming, I didn’t want to talk with her.  I did, but it wasn’t pleasant because she had become a chronic complainer … and she just couldn’t stop griping.

On the other hand, some people only contacted me when they wanted to say something positive.  One man used to call me at home on Sundays after I preached just to thank me for that day’s sermon.  Others would email me later on Sundays and thank me for the message I’d given that morning.

When some pastors are done preaching, they practically pat themselves on the back afterwards.  But I usually didn’t know if a message worked or not … but if several people whose opinions I respected told me it did, that made my week.

That’s class.

As Hebrews 10:25 says, “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day appearing.”

Classy people continually encourage others.

Finally, a classy person cares for you when you hurt.

Many years ago, my wife and I were in pain over an issue, and we weren’t dealing with our feelings in a healthy manner.  A couple from our church invited us to their home for dinner.  After dinner, they just listened to us.  I don’t even remember if they made recommendations to us.

I just remember that they cared enough to listen.

Paul writes in Romans 12:15-16, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.  Live in harmony with one another.  Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.  Do not be conceited.”

Our friends mourned with us.  They let us know they felt our pain.

And in the context of their love, we felt safe.

That’s class.

When people in a church hurt, they sometimes seek out their pastor.

But when the pastor hurts, who does he seek out?

In every church, there are always a few people who sense when the pastor is hurting and seek to minister to him.

I thank God for those people … and feel close to them even when we haven’t seen each other in a long time.

Classy people are also thoughtful … and grateful … and kind … and gracious … and say and do what’s appropriate.

We need more of them in our world today.

Especially classy Christians.

How classy are you?

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues | 5 Comments »

The Folly of Being Too Nice

May 11, 2012 by Jim Meyer

Have you ever known someone who was just too nice?

Many years ago, my wife and I went on a long road trip with another married couple.  (The husband and I had become good friends.)  When you’re living with someone 24/7 – as TV’s reality shows reveal – you begin to see who people really are.  While we can be on our best behavior during programmed encounters – like at work or in social situations – people tend to demonstrate their true character when they’re under stress.

And nothing unveils character like a road trip.

During the trip, my wife and I disagreed with the other couple over several things.  For example, I wanted to attend church on Sunday morning, while they wanted to plow on and make time toward our ultimate destination.  In addition, the other wife continually corrected things that my wife and I said, making us gradually withdraw from conversation.

But my friend, who drove during much of the trip, never displayed any negative emotions.  He didn’t show any anger, or irritation, or regret.  In fact, he was close to being perfect in the way he behaved on that trip.

While he wasn’t perfect, he had mastered the skill of being nice.

And sometimes, being too nice is foolish.

In Mark Galli’s recent book, Jesus: Mean and Wild, the author guides the reader on a journey of the Gospel of Mark and shows us the real Jesus.

In his chapter “It’s Not Nice to be Nice,” Galli illustrates incidents of non-niceness in Jesus’ life and then asks this question: “If Jesus was merely loving, compassionate, and kind – if Jesus was only nice – why did both Jews and Romans feel compelled to murder him?”

Good question.

Galli goes on to write, “Christians are often fascinated with the Religion of Niceness because it appears to champion biblical virtues such as humility, forgiveness, and mercy.  This religion so permeates our consciousness that when we hear someone quote the second Great Commandment, the epitome of Christian ethics, we tend to hear: ‘Be nice to your neighbor, as you would have your neighbor be nice to you.'”

In other words, we’ve substituted being nice for being loving … but the two are not the same.

Galli goes on to indict us for the way we use niceness to avoid conflict:

“Thus we learn not to make a fuss in school, at work, in life.  We quickly discover that people respond positively to us when we are nice to them and negatively when we aren’t.  Since it feels good to be liked, we get addicted to being nice.  And this addiction skews our reasoning.”

Galli then tells about an Episcopalian church that he once attended.  Even though the church at the national level was debating the issue of homosexuality, Galli’s church chose to avoid discussing the issue altogether.  He says that their unspoken motto was, “Let’s just agree to disagree and go about our life together.”

But the issue wouldn’t go away, as most controversial issues don’t.  When the denomination installed a noncelibate homosexual as a bishop in 2003, Galli’s church was forced to discuss the issue of homosexuality.  He writes:

“We were shocked to discover that we had two different congregations – with radically different assumptions about the most basic things.  Since we had no track record of speaking the truth in love to one another, we found ourselves shouting at each other.  It was, to say the least, extremely painful, and it wasn’t long before the church divided.”

And then his next paragraph underscores why Christian leaders need to be more open in discussing areas of conflict in churches rather than just “sweep them under the rug”:

“Better to have addressed these issues years earlier in a frank and charitable manner – even though raising such issues would have broken the code of Episcopal decorum.  An earlier conversation would have left some feeling alienated, and some would have left.  But that would have been preferable to the congregation literally splitting in two later on.”

In other words, our Christian niceness makes us avoid conflict … which leads to even greater conflict later on.

For those of us who have been taught that “being nice” is the same as “being loving,” let me quote Galli one more time:

“Jesus was a sharp judge of character, and he employed anger even when he was aware it wasn’t going to do any good.  Why?  Because sometimes the most honest and truthful response to foolishness or evil is anger.  Jesus couldn’t have integrity if he was indifferent.  The person who is always nice, always decorous, always even-keeled is likely a person who ultimately does not care about what God cares about.”

Wow.

God doesn’t call His people to be uncivil, or rude, or obnoxious.  We don’t emulate or honor Jesus that way.  But He does call us to address certain issues head-on, with strength and assertiveness.

When our son was small, our family lived on a semi-busy residential street.  My wife and I made it clear that he was not to go into the street for any reason.

One Saturday morning, he was playing with a ball, and it went out into the street, and he tried to chase it down … and almost got hit by a car.

My wife and I responded with anger and grounded our son for the day.  We made it clear to him that his disobedience could have cost him his life.  He had to stay in his room for hours and think about his folly.

We wanted our disciplinary measure to sting.

We let him out at dinner time and reiterated to him how much we loved him and why we confined him for the day.

We were’t very nice, but we were extremely loving.

And we were loving because we cared about him and his future enough to get upset and do something about it.

Where in your life are you avoiding conflict?

With whom are you dodging that tough conversation?

It’s all right to be nice in the way that you approach conflict.

Just make sure that being nice isn’t your goal in life.

And that being loving is.

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Current Church Issues, Fighting Evil | Leave a Comment »

Thoughts on Gay Marriage

May 10, 2012 by Jim Meyer

Much of the news today is about the announcement that President Obama made yesterday that he is personally in favor of gay marriage – the first standing President ever to do so.

(I wasn’t able to follow the news coverage yesterday because a lawnmower severed our cable.  Our house is on a golf course and the cable inexplicably was above ground and on the grass.)

While Americans discuss whether or not they agree with the President, I’d like to present a brief summary of why I cannot support gay marriage.

I am a follower of Jesus Christ before I am anything else.  Jesus is my Lord.  I do my best to live for Him every day.

I tend to be conservative politically, but I don’t take marching orders from any party, politician, or political philosophy.  In fact, I disagree with conservatives on issues like guns, caring for the poor, and the minimum wage, just to name a few.

In fact, I think it’s a disgrace when followers of Jesus superimpose their faith over their political philosophy and act like Jesus approves of all their political viewpoints.  The truth is that Jesus never addressed a host of political issues, including abortion, voting rights, or the war in Afghanistan … and it’s dishonest to act like He did.

And that includes homosexuality.  Jesus never said one word about it.

But He didn’t have to, because Jesus preached and practiced the Old Testament, and Scripture had already laid out God’s directives in the sexual realm: sex belongs inside a married heterosexual relationship, which rules out sex before marriage and sex outside marriage.

There was still a cultural consensus on sex in the late 1960s: sex belongs inside marriage.  By the late 1970s, the consensus was largely gone.

But Jesus’ teaching on this topic, found in Matthew 5:27-30, stands for all time for those who follow Him.  Jesus had the chance to say, “The Old Testament teaching on sex is wrong.  I’ve come to enlighten everybody.  It’s okay with God if you have sex with anybody at anytime!  Go for it!”

But instead of loosening God’s sexual standards, Jesus tightened them when He said that both physical sex and mental sex are wrong outside the bonds of heterosexual marriage.

And Jesus’ words are 180 degrees different than the thinking of our culture.

The same idea holds true when it comes to marriage.  Please read Jesus’ words carefully as recorded in Matthew 19:4-6:

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Please notice three things:

First, Jesus’ authority was Scripture.  He asked His audience, “Haven’t you read …” and then quoted from Genesis 2:24.

The authority for settling disputes for Jesus wasn’t a poll, or a politician, or personal feelings, or how His friends felt.

Jesus’ authority is what God designed … and what God felt … and what God said.

We may be able to disagree on our interpretations of baptism for the dead (1 Corinthians 15:29) and the meaning of Hebrews 6:4-6, but if Jesus was clear on anything, He was clear that Scripture is authoritative on marriage for His followers.

Second, Jesus went back to creation for His verdict on marriage.  He specifically refers to God’s original intent in marriage.  Paul goes back to Genesis 2:24 as well when he writes the church at Ephesus about marriage (Ephesians 5:31).

Genesis 2:24, according to Moses (the author of Genesis and the Jewish lawgiver), Jesus (our Savior, Lord, and Messiah) and Paul (a Jew who was apostle to the Gentiles), is the definitive text on marriage for both Jews and Christians.

You can try and reinterpret Genesis 2:24, but then you’ll have to try and reinterpret the explanations of Jesus and Paul as well.  It’s far better to admit and submit to the authority of Scripture than to try and fashion 3,500 years of Judeo-Christian teaching on marriage to fit a modern cultural or personal viewpoint.

If God wanted men to marry men and women to marry women – being an infinitely creative God – couldn’t He have done so from creation … before Jewish or Christian cultures came along?  And if He intended same sex marriage, couldn’t His position have evolved over the 1,500+ plus years that Scripture was written?

But it never did.  Scripture is consistent on marriage from Genesis through Revelation.

Third, Jesus specifies that God intended both parents and married partners to be of the opposite sex.  Jesus doesn’t mention two fathers or two mothers in a family, but one father and one mother.  (I realize he doesn’t mention one father or one mother, either, but we’re talking about God’s intent from creation.)  And He doesn’t mention two men or two women, but one man and one woman in marriage.

I realize the context here is marriage and divorce, not heterosexual and homosexual marriage.  But the basic principles of marriage for Christians come from both Scripture and the Son of God, and Jesus speaks more clearly here about God’s intent for marriage than anywhere else in the Gospels.

Gay marriage first became legal in Denmark in 1989.  Was everyone before that time misguided or unenlightened?  Until 23 years ago, not a single moral or philosophical system had ever supported the idea of gay marriage.  Were those thousands of moralists and philosophers wrong?

Today, most world religions oppose gay marriage, including Orthodox Judaism, the Mormon Church, Islam, all evangelical Christian groups, and the Roman Catholic Church.

If I am one of the millions of people in those groups who believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, does that automatically make me a bigot, a neanderthal, or someone filled with hate?

But for me, this whole thing boils down to one question:

Who is my Lord?

If it’s Jesus, I must believe that marriage is intended to be between one heterosexual man and one heterosexual woman.

If it’s Barack Obama or George Clooney or my friends at work or my own feelings, I’ll go a different direction.

But I have no choice.  I invited Jesus into my life, not just to save me from myself, but to guide and direct my life.

So there are two words I can never say together when it comes to Jesus:

“No, Lord.”

Biblical Christians have not changed their position on marriage for two thousand years.  While the culture changes around us, we believe that to change with it would be disloyalty to Jesus Christ.

You’ll have to decide if you’re going to follow a politician, or a poll, or a political party, or your pals.

I’m going with Jesus.

 

           

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Current Church Issues | 9 Comments »

Who is the Most Spiritual Person in a Church?

May 7, 2012 by Jim Meyer

Who is the most spiritual person in any given church?

While I’m not comfortable with the premise embedded in the question, I have a reason for asking it.

The popular assumption is that the pastor is the most spiritual person in a church.  Although this may be true at times, my guess is that the pastor may not be Spiritual Person Numero Uno.

The pastor may look spiritual on Sundays.  He may wear a suit and tie or possess an angelic smile or wear a “Jesus” pin on his lapel.

But none of those are indications that he’s truly spiritual.

The pastor may sound spiritual on Sundays.   He may read Scripture with a deep voice or express compassion when he speaks or pronounce “God” a certain way.

But none of those are indications that he’s truly spiritual.

The pastor may know more Scripture than anyone else in the church … or more Greek … or more theology.

But none of those are indications that’s he truly spiritual.

When I was a pastor, I assumed that many other people were more spiritual than me.

They read Scripture more … or prayed more often … or more deeply.

They obeyed God more completely … or more spontaneously … or more readily.

They were humble, not proud … transparent, not inauthentic … others-centered, not me-centered.

Truly spiritual people don’t view themselves as spiritual at all.

Many Christians view Paul as the most spiritual Christian who ever lived.  He may have been, but Paul didn’t view himself that way.

He wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:9, “For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.”

He wrote in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst.”

Line up all sinners in the world, Paul says, and I’m not first in line … I’m last.

Rather than the pastor, I’d nominate the following people for “most spiritual” in a church:

*The woman who attends a prayer meeting every week … even though she can barely walk.

*The man who does his work with the highest of ethical standards … even if he loses business.

*The woman who lives a simple lifestyle … so she can give more money to God’s work.

*The man who has lost a job and been treated unfairly … but continues to follow Christ.

*The woman who teaches Sunday School to third graders every week … even though they may never thank her.

*The man who quietly comes down to the church and fixes things … even though nobody ever sees him serving.

We don’t give awards for “the most spiritual person” in a church, and it’s a good thing.

We’d most certainly be wrong.

While man sees the outward appearance, only God sees the heart.

And my guess is that in most churches, many other people have more godly hearts than the pastor.

People don’t become pastors because they’re more spiritual than other people.

People becomes pastors because God calls them into ministry and gives them certain spiritual gifts (like teaching, pastoring, and leadership).

While a pastor needs to be spiritual … after all, you don’t want a spiritual adolescent to be your pastor … he doesn’t need to be the most spiritual … so let’s not expect him to be that way.

Let’s give our pastors room to mature in certain areas of their lives.

To me, the most spiritual person in a church is the man or woman who has followed Christ for decades … suffering many losses along the way … but still loves the Lord and desires to please Him.

The next time you attend church, the MSP in the congregation may not be the person bringing the message on the stage.

It could be the person who is running the sound … or the person who arranged the flowers … or the person who cleaned the worship center … or the person who is praying for the pastor’s message in the back room.

Someone other than the pastor.

So let’s see our pastors accurately.

They are called by God.

They have been given certain gifts.

They are to be spiritual themselves.

But they may make mistakes … and get some things wrong … and lose their temper on occasion … and fail to do something you think they should do.

But that’s okay, because after all …

There are other people who are more spiritual than your pastor.

So don’t expect perfection from him.

Don’t put him on a pedestal.

Don’t expect him to become angelic.

Pray for him.  Encourage him.  Love on him.  Write him a note of appreciation.

And most of all, let him be human.

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment! | 3 Comments »

Christian Leaders and Pain

May 4, 2012 by Jim Meyer

Two days ago, I read an article about a Christian leader that broke my heart … and I can’t get it out of my mind.

Tom White, long-time executive director of Voice of the Martyrs, committed suicide several weeks ago as police were investigating a molestation charge against him.  You can read the story here:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2012/aprilweb-only/tom-white-accusations.html

I’ve admired the work that VOM has done for a long time.  My prayer is that this tragedy doesn’t affect the crucial work they’re doing in calling attention to persecuted believers all over the world … and that God will grant Tom White’s family and his VOM colleagues His peace.

While reading this article, I thought about the many Christian leaders that I’ve known or respected who were discovered to be all too human and fallible.

Professors at Christian schools.  Missionaries.  Prominent pastors.  Christian vocalists and musicians.  Parachurch leaders.  Evangelists.  Associate pastors.  Televangelists.

Some preached against divorce … and eventually went through their own divorce.

Others railed against adultery … only to be seduced themselves.

Some preached a prosperity gospel … and later lost everything.

And some have behaved in ways that we … and even they … cannot fathom.

Back in the late 1980s, when there was a rash of scandals involving Christian leaders, we were told that leaders needed to demonstrate greater accountability, and that this single step would halt most of the scandals.

Maybe so … but I have a different take on this.

I believe there is a direct correlation between doing ministry and personal pain.

The more committed you are to ministering to others, the more pain you will experience in your own life.

If you doubt me, read 2 Corinthians.   In 1 Corinthians, Paul tries to address various issues at Corinth and restrains himself when it comes to expressing his own emotions.

But in 2 Corinthians, Paul lets it all hang out, and at times it’s difficult to read.  Just a few examples:

1:8: “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.”

2:4: “For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you.”

4:8-9: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

7:5: “For when we came to Macedonia, this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn – conflicts on the outside, fears within.”

11:23-25: “I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.  Five times I received frm the Jews the forty lashes minus one.  Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea.”

And then there’s this one:

11:28-29: “Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.  Who is weak, and I do not feel weak?  Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?”

Notice that?  Besides all the physical pain that Paul endured for Christ, he also felt emotional and spiritual pain because he cared so much for others.

When I entered church ministry, I was told in general terms that I would suffer.  I plowed ahead anyway.

What I wasn’t told … and most of us aren’t … is that there are times when the pain becomes so great that you have to pull back.

If there were more rejoicers than weepers … or just as many … the ministry would be more bearable.

But most of the time, there are far more weepers than rejoicers … and after a while, the hurts of others gets to you, and you don’t know what to do with all that pain.

You’d like to lean on your wife, but she has her own pain to deal with, and she’s already tired of hearing about yours.

You’d like to talk with a counselor, but you don’t know who to trust, and you suspect that counseling will uncover more of your own buried pain.

You’d like to tell your board, but you’re afraid they’ll condemn you or fire you, so you stay silent.

You want to tell somebody about your pain, but you can’t find anyone who’s safe enough to trust.

And so you stuff it … and the pain starts turning into anxiety, anger, and depression.

And when you finally do something stupid … or take your own life … people wonder why you didn’t reach out for help.

Maybe you should have reached out … or maybe you just didn’t know where to go for help.

I’ve visited a lot of churches over the past 2 1/2 years – probably at least 40.

And in the course of listening to many preachers, I’ve come to this conclusion: I wouldn’t dare share a personal problem with most of them.  Know why?

Because they don’t dare share their humanity with us.

When I hear a pastor tell a story on himself … or admit that he struggles with certain issues … or needs the gospel just as much as I do, I’m drawn to him.  I feel safe with him.

But when I don’t hear any humanity coming from the pulpit … when the pastor says “you” and not “we” … when he yells and condemns and intimates, “I have it all together” – I don’t feel safe … and I’m sure I’m not alone.

The ethos of much of the Christian world seems to be, “Even though you aren’t perfect, you better act like you are, so you can keep your job and your reputation.”

But Christian leaders aren’t perfect.  Every one is messed up in some way.  They all have their issues, wounds, and struggles … just like you do … and just like Paul did.

I don’t know whether Tom White did anything wrong or not.  We may never know.

But I do know this: we’re all weak and vulnerable at times.  Because of the pain in our lives, we’re all tempted to do stupid stuff.

And all of us – including Christian leaders – need safe people we can talk with and safe places we can go so that we can experience healing and continue in ministry.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul quoted Jesus as saying that His “power is made perfect in weakness.”

Not in strength … in weakness.

Act like you’re strong all the time, and you’ll eventually succumb to weakness.

Admit that you’re weak, and you’ll become strong.

Your thoughts?

I’ll write more on this topic another time.

Posted in Burnout and Depression in Ministry, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments »

Hints on Confronting Others

April 30, 2012 by Jim Meyer

There’s a scene in the film “Raiders of the Lost Ark” that reminds me of the wrong way to confront someone.

It’s the scene where Indiana Jones races through a Middle Eastern city looking for Marion, who has been kidnapped.  As Indiana runs around frantically, the crowd quickly disperses and Indiana is left staring at a large, scary-looking guy whipping his sword around.

What will Indiana do?  Yell at the guy?  Run?  Call for reinforcements?  Ask for a sword of his own?

Indiana takes out his gun … and shoots the guy dead.  (When I first saw the film, my friends loved that scene.)

That may be the way to handle sword-wielding bad guys, but it’s not the best way to handle a confrontation with someone you love.

And yet that’s what many people do when they confront another person.

In essence, they shoot them.

Jesus suggested a better way in Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

Your brother is another Christian believer.  This passage applies to sisters in the Lord as well.

And the implication is that your brother or sister has sinned against you, violating you in some way.

Let me share five hints for handling a potential confrontation in a more healthy manner:

First, confront in person. 

It is not fair to confront someone in an email, or on Facebook, or in a text, or via snail mail.

The person you’re confronting can’t see your face, or hear your tone of voice, or read you at all.

I don’t like the telephone for confrontation, either – and no, I haven’t confronted anyone via Skype.

Unless impossible, confrontations should almost always be done in person.

You can convey your love for the person through your voice tone, body language, and facial expressions.

You can enter into a dialogue rather than force the other person into listening to your monologue.

You can encourage them to listen to you much easier if you confront them in person.

Second, confront them alone.

If I’m struggling with something you did wrong, or I’m concerned about our relationship, Jesus commands me to talk to you alone “just between the two of you.”

It’s not fair for me to ask someone else to confront you.

It’s not fair for me to bring two or three people into the situation … yet.

What if I’ve got the facts wrong?  What if I’m seeing things incorrectly?  What if I’m overreacting?

Meeting with you one-on-one is the fairest way to handle matters.

Third, deal with issues as they arise.

There is an immediacy to Jesus’ words: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault …”

But what do most of us do?

We avoid confrontation, so we wait … and stew … and get hurt again … and avoid confrontation … and stew … and get hurt again … and then:

WE EXPLODE!

And the object of our wrath probably has no idea about our strong feelings.

It’s an old expression, but true: keep short accounts with people.

As Ephesians 4:26 says, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.”

Handle people’s offenses as they arise.

When you avoid dealing with issues as they arise, you’ll be tempted to accumulate offenses.

You’ll keep a running list.

You’ll try and rope others into agreeing with your list.

You’ll eventually be tempted to dump the whole list of offenses on your brother or sister at once, which will seriously damage your relationship and may even end it for good.

Practice confronting people within a short time after they commit an offense.  If you can’t do that, LET IT GO.

Fourth, ask for permission to confront.

We have a right to confront people with whom we are close: family, friends, long-time co-workers.

But we have the right to confront because people give us that right.

I’ve learned to say this at times: “I’ve noticed something you do that I’m not sure you’re aware of.  Would it be all right for me to share that with you sometime?”

When they say yes – and most people will because they’re curious – they have just given you permission to share your concerns with them.

I went to lunch one time with a man who attended my church.  We barely knew each other.

He started criticizing my preaching.  I stopped him cold.

I told him that he hadn’t yet earned the right to criticize me that way … and he hadn’t.  If I changed for him, how would those who liked my preaching feel?

It’s not that I can’t learn from others.  I can.  But some rights must be earned.

Finally, affirm your relationship.

Let the person you’re confronting know that you value their friendship and that you are “for” them, not “against” them.

Tell them, “I hope we’ll always be friends.”

In my own life, I only confront people if (a) they’re harming themselves or others, or (b) they’re harming our relationship.  Otherwise, you have to let most things go.

You can never predict how people will handle a confrontation, but if you (a) confront in person, (b) confront them alone, (c) deal with issues as they arise, (d) ask for permission to confront, and (e) affirm your relationship – you have a far greater chance for success.

Your thoughts?

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! | 6 Comments »

Your Church’s Inner Circle

April 27, 2012 by Jim Meyer

It was one of those moments you never forget.

I was sitting in the office of our new pastor when suddenly, the phone rang.

The pastor took the call.  It would change both of our lives forever.

Several leaders in our church – including people who had taught me the Bible – were caught in behavior unbecoming of spiritual leaders.

And these leaders were prominent in our fellowship.

Because I stayed in the room, I could tell by the pastor’s conversation that this was serious stuff.

And it was even more serious when I learned the names of the people involved.

I didn’t want to know anything … but it was unavoidable.

And I was only 19 at the time.

This revelation shook me up.  People I had put on a pedestal weren’t the angels I thought they were.

That night, I went with the pastor to visit people in their homes.  As we discussed the events of that morning, he told me something I’ve never forgotten:

“Jim, don’t ever be shocked by what Christians do.”

That was my baptism into the inner circle of church life.

The inner circle of a church is composed of the pastor, staff members, and key leaders who know what’s going on and make decisions that influence church life.

After being in the inner circle of eight churches over 35 years of ministry, I’ve come to four conclusions about that circle:

First, the inner circle deals with the back side of church life.

When I was a kid, there was a piece of wood that was used for home plate whenever we played baseball in our driveway.  I kept the wood on the side of our house.  The wood looked great on its surface, but when I turned it over, the back side was full of bugs.

Churches can look like that, too.

It’s not that staff members are partying or board members are swearing at each other.  It’s more subtle than that.

It’s that people who appear to be Christians on Sunday may act like secular people behind the scenes.

I’ve known leaders to make threats.  A few have used passive aggressive tactics.

Some have agreed to a decision in a board meeting and then sabotaged the decision in the parking lot afterwards.

Most people who serve in the IC are right-on believers, but life in the IC can become stressful.

You have to be called to serve in that IC … and refuse to be shocked by what you see and hear.

Second, the inner circle is composed of humans, not saints.  My first few years in church ministry, I wanted to believe that my pastor and board members were truly saints of God.

And then I got to know them.

And the more I got to know them, the more I discovered how human they really were.

And the more human they were, the more I liked them.

When I discovered that a leader liked baseball, or a movie I enjoyed, then we shared something in common that we could discuss whenever we saw each other.

But I was shocked at times by how non-human some leaders seemed because they tried to give the impression that they were perfect.

I always had trouble with those leaders.  In fact, most of the leaders I’ve had trouble with over the years never admitted that they did anything wrong.

The human ones were comfortable being authentic.  The inhuman ones tried to act angelic.

That’s one of the benefits of reading Christian biographies.  You find that people you admire are human … just like you.

A veteran Christian leader recently told me that the key to God’s blessing in a church is when the leaders become real with each other.

He may be right.

Third, the inner circle sometimes makes decisions in a messy manner.

My first-ever job was in a butcher’s shop.  I had to go into a closet and clean out the machine where hamburger was made.

Believe me, you don’t want to see how hamburger is made.

And you might not want to see how decisions are made in a church, either.

Some people think a pastor comes to a board meeting, makes a proposal, everyone nods their heads, and the decision sails through.

But reality is far different than that.

I’ve brought proposals to a board meeting that I thought would be approved in five minutes … and one hour later, the board was still haggling about it.

Not arguing … just haggling.

Some people can handle it.  Others cannot.  Those who cannot should probably serve elsewhere.

But those God calls into the IC gradually accept that decision making can be messy.

It’s the price we pay for letting a multiplicity of leaders manage a church.

Finally, the inner circle tests all who are in it.

A friend of mine sits on the board of a prominent church.  He told me recently that his pastor receives scores of critical notes about his preaching every single week.

My friend believes in his pastor and in his church’s mission … but it’s obvious that not everyone does.

If you sit in the back of a church sanctuary on Sundays, you’d never know about all the stuff that’s going on behind the scenes.

And in a healthy church, you never will.

By contrast, the Four Gospels give us glimpses into Jesus’ IC.

There were events that only The Twelve knew about … like Peter trying to walk on the water.

And there were conversations that only Peter, James and John heard … like Jesus’ prayers in Gethsemane.

I must confess, when I first read the Gospels, I was shocked by much of what happened in Jesus’ IC.

But as I grew in my faith, I came to realize this one crucial truth:

God only uses imperfect people.

And that includes the IC at your church, too.

If you’re in the IC, loosen up a bit.  Be authentic rather than legalistic.

And if you’re not in the IC, pray for those who are.

Because they represent you.

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Current Church Issues | Tagged , , | 6 Comments »

What Did I Do Wrong?

April 23, 2012 by Jim Meyer

How do you react when you look in the rearview mirror of your car and see a police car behind you with its lights flashing?

That happened to me yesterday.

I was driving in the fast lane from Phoenix to California on Interstate 10.

One moment, nobody was behind me.

The next minute, I thought I was dead meat.

When I moved into the right lane, a sheriff zipped past me to handle a matter further up the road.

But for one brief moment, I assumed I had done something wrong … although I didn’t know what it was.  (My speed was fine.)

My guess is that you’ve had that feeling, too.

Somebody suddenly appears in your life and signals that you’ve committed a serious offense.

Maybe your spouse accuses you of emptying the checkbook … but you’re sure you didn’t.

Or your boss accuses you of undermining her leadership … but you can’t imagine what she means.

For some people, their first reaction is to instantly confess … even if they didn’t do anything wrong.  Just being accused of something prompts them to admit their guilt.

For others, they quickly defend themselves … even if they are guilty as charged.

I bring this up because many pastors – when they undergo forced termination – usually aren’t told the real reason why they’re being pushed from office.

They’re told by members of the governing board:

“We just thought it was time to make a change.”

Or …

“We think your time here is up.”

Or …

“We love you, pastor, and sense you’re not happy here anymore.”

But the pastor is never told the real reason why he’s being ousted.

Maybe the board can’t articulate it.

Maybe the board lacks the courage to be honest.

Maybe the board doesn’t have a good reason.

Because if they did, they’d be forced to say:

“We want to run the church without your interference.”

Or …

“Several of our friends are upset with you and we want to keep them as friends, so … out you go.”

Or …

“Your preaching has been hitting the mark too often recently – and that makes us uncomfortable – so we’d like you to leave so we can feel better about ourselves.”

The pastor was cruising along the road, assuming everything was fine, when suddenly … the flashing lights appeared.

In our culture, we assume that when someone is charged with wrongdoing, they must have done something wrong.

But that’s not necessarily true.

Jesus was accused of blasphemy by the Jewish leaders and sedition by the Roman leaders – but He wasn’t guilty of either offense.

We’ve known that ever since the Four Evangelists wrote their Gospels.  The resurrection ultimately vindicated Jesus.

But many people still assumed that He did something wrong because He was crucified.

Years ago, at a church I served, I was accused of doing something I didn’t do.

If the charge got around the church, it could have ended my ministry.

I talked to someone who worked for human resources at a large secular company about the accusation.  This person gave me some great advice: “Just because someone claims you did something wrong doesn’t mean you did.”

While I knew that mentally, I needed to grasp that emotionally.

I have since learned that, like Jesus, I may at times be falsely accused of certain offenses.

And other people – even friends – may believe the charges against me … not because they possess any evidence of wrongdoing, but because they choose to believe the charges.

But the church of Jesus Christ is called to a much higher standard.

1 Timothy 5:19 says, “Do not entertain an accusation against an elder [pastor] unless it is brought by two or three witnesses.”

When the witnesses make the accusation, they need to provide eyewitness testimony or some form of evidence.

They need to accuse the elder/pastor to his face.

The pastor/elder has the right to cross-examine them.

But you know what often happens?

When an accusation is tossed into the ether, the pastor hears about it and quickly resigns … not because he’s guilty, but because he’s certain that he won’t be given any kind of fair process to answer the charges.

The flashing lights alone indicate his guilt.

But as I learned yesterday, those lights may not be aimed at you at all.

If you’re upset with your pastor – and a fair amount of my readers are based upon the search terms they use to find this blog – make sure that you follow the biblical process outlined in Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Timothy 5:19-21 if you choose to take matters further.

Or those lights in your rearview mirror may later be intended for you.

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination | 5 Comments »

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